He opens his eyes. That actually happened much like that. He was fourteen, he was sixteen. What’s bothering him though? Maybe he should force himself to eat, get back into life. He goes into the kitchen, opens the refrigerator, takes out cheese. Cuts a slice and puts it into his mouth. Can’t bite down on it. Do. Shuts his eyes and tries. Spits it into his hand and dumps it. Milk. He pours a glass but doesn’t drink it. It’s not sour; just suddenly he doesn’t like the milk smell. Too what? Milky, creamy, something. A carrot. Always a carrot. No, enough with carrots. Chump chump chump, that’s all he ever does with them, four to five times a day, and mostly out of nervousness. Bad letter or phone call, he’d quickly go to the refrigerator, get out a carrot, scrape it and chump on it. It used to be: he’d want to call a woman or for a job but too many jitters to: chump on a carrot. Celery. Doesn’t want to cut off the leaves, clean the stalk, anything like that. Then don’t cut or clean: eat it all. Not hungry. You don’t have to be hungry to eat celery. Water. Drink water. Maybe he’s too dry inside. What’s the word that’s used? Evaporated, desiccated, something else but which could lead to the body’s electricity going awry. Just dry, very dry inside. Gets a glass of water but doesn’t want to drink. Feels he’ll gag. Sips a little and spits most of it out. Get on the toilet then. Sit on it till something comes out of one of those holes. He used to have to do that as a kid? Thinks sometimes his mother or one of the women who took care of him made him do it, but that was probably for his own good.
He goes into the bathroom, sits, nothing. Read then, on or off the toilet. Goes into the living room, sits, opens a book. Doesn’t want to read. Read. Reads the opening line a dozen times, two dozen. He could read it a hundred times and it still might not make any sense. Maybe it’s the book. Opens another. Same thing. A dozen times, quits. The newspaper. They’re easy. But he’s not interested in anything in the news. Yesterday’s story a little changed today. Today’s story not much different from one a month ago, a year. Reviews of books, movies and plays he won’t want to read or see. Masturbate then. Maybe that’ll help. He lies on the bed, lowers his pants, tries getting an erection by pulling and caressing himself, can’t. Vaseline. Gets some from the bathroom, rubs it on his penis, tries again, using all the tricks he knows; nothing. Stomach pain and headache are gone though. Not thinking of them probably got rid of them. Maybe that says something. What? Just that if he does or thinks of other things — well, what he just said.
He goes into the living room, sits in the armchair and stares at the wall. Nothing comes. Shuts the light. Now it’s dark. Closes his eyes. Denise. Pushing a stroller down a street. Which baby was inside? He’s had this memory of her doing this several times before. But thinking about the image like that has made him lose it. Bring it back. Opens and closes his eyes. It’s back. He isn’t often successful doing that. Denise. In a blue parka with the hood up, outfit she had on when his mind took this image. Pushing the stroller down the street they lived on when their girls were infants. One of those harmless light memories that stayed. He doesn’t know why. Glad it did. Maybe that’s what he should think about. Image is gone again. Bring it back. Does. That’s never happened that he can remember. But stick with it now, think of nothing else. Loves the image, picture, of her pushing the stroller with one of their babies inside. It was a much better time for him, no doubt about that. One of the best times. Maybe the best. Still got angry then, often got sour. Often was dissatisfied with lots of things, etcetera, but for the most part, or a great deal of the time, or just some of the time — enough of the time to make him think things were going reasonably well for him — he was OK. He was relatively content. Image is long gone and he doubts he’ll be able to bring it back. That’s never happened. Try. Tries. Opens and closes his eyes. Nothing but quick pictures of sparkling lights, an opened window moving diagonally down to the left, a picture frame with nothing inside. And very often he was very content. They talked a lot, made love several times a week. Laughed, kidded, traded observations about people, news items, books. They kissed on the lips just about every day. How about an image of that? Isn’t one, or not one he unwittingly took. Not even at the door? Opens and closes his eyes. Can’t even picture it, doesn’t know why. Then making love. There too. She on top, he on top — nothing resembling them comes through. First two planks, then a double-decker bed, then two dark masses of gas, twitching. She usually let her long hair down before they began, sometimes where it covered their heads. If they hadn’t kissed that day and it was late and they were in bed, let’s say, he’d say something about it and they’d kiss, usually twice, a long and short. So: every day unless one of them fell asleep before he could say something about it. If it were she, he’d kiss her shoulder and head, since one on the lips, no matter how lightly, would wake her. That was then. Time of the stroller. For about three years. If it was his youngest girl in that stroller image, then that was around the time he was taking the oldest girl to the playground once or twice a week. Talked to her as they walked. Carried her if she asked. Kissed her as he carried her. Blew or sputtered into her cheek, which she found fun. Pushed her on the swings, sometimes for a half-hour straight. See if he can picture it. Sort of: man, holding out his hands, standing behind a deadpan girl swinging back and forth. Man’s not he, girl’s not she. Told her stories before she went to sleep. Which were her favorites? Then what were some of the things she loved to say? Then some of the more memorable one-time things she said? One then. Closes his eyes. Gives up. Turns on the light, takes a piece of paper from the secret pocket in his wallet and reads. “‘When I grow up I want to meet a man, get married, have babies and live happily ever after.’ ‘Like your mommy and daddy?’ I asked. Yes, but with a different man.’ ‘When baby sister is in the country I’m going to teach her how to smell flowers and pet cats.’ ‘Will the dandelions like the water we put them in?” Regarding any body of water she sees: ‘Would a whale be happy in there?’ “The moon is a ball which you hit till it falls. That rhymes. So does shines.’” Where’s she now? Go to the phone and call. Puts the paper back into the wallet, wallet into his pocket. If you get a forwarding number, call that. Never, she’ll hang up. Just to hear her voice. Do it with the youngest too. Or in a fake voice and accent if you speak. “Hello, hello,” say; “is Alexander P. Snappin in?” That relates to a private joke between them he’s forgotten. Suppose she says “Is that you, Daddy?” If she does, she’ll then say “If it is, I already told you.” Same with the youngest. “No more communications,” she wrote. “No anonymous letters, impetuous phone calls, telegrams telling of your love, power of the blood, remorse.” “Please dear,” he wrote back, or something like it. He gets the letter out of the table drawer and reads. “I’m your father; I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to hurt or anger you, even the things I’m not aware I should be sorry for, even this letter; I love you both more than I could ever say in any way, so please, please; gesundheit.”