YAMEN CLERKS
HOSPITAL SECURITY GUARD and HOSPITAL SECURITY SUPERVISOR
TWO MASKED INDIVIDUALS IN BLACK
TV CAMERAMAN, FEMALE JOURNALIST, and OTHERS
Act I
Sino-American Jiabao Women’s and Children’s Hospital compound. An impressive gateway, suggestive of a government office. The hospital marquee hangs above and to the left of the marble-faced main door.
To the right stands a sign the size of a billboard etched with hundreds of baby pictures.
A security guard in a grey uniform stands stiffly to the left of the gate, welcoming or sending off each luxury automobile that enters or leaves the compound with a crisp salute. His action is comically, laughably exaggerated.
A full moon shines brightly on the backdrop, behind which emerges the sound of exploding firecrackers; an occasional burst of fireworks lights up the backdrop.
SECURITY GUARD: (takes out his cell phone, reads a text message, and laughs) Tee-hee.
The security supervisor slips out through the gate.
SUPERVISOR: (standing unnoticed behind the security guard, says sternly in a low voice) What’s so funny, Li Jiatai? (feels something land on his foot) Where did all these frogs come from at this time of year? What are you laughing at?
SECURITY GUARD: (startled, nervously snaps to attention) Reporting, sir, the earth is getting warmer, the greenhouse effect. What’s funny? Nothing…
SUPERVISOR: If nothing’s funny, what are you laughing at? (shakes the foot on which the frog rests) What’s going on here? Is another earthquake on its way? I asked you what’s so funny.
SECURITY GUARD: (seeing there’s no one around, says with a laugh) Sir, this joke is really funny…
SUPERVISOR: I’ve told you people, no texting!
SECURITY GUARD: Reporting, sir, I’m not texting. I’m just reading a few text messages.
SUPERVISOR: What’s the difference? If Department Head Liu saw you, you could kiss your rice bowl goodbye.
SECURITY GUARD: So what? I’ve been thinking of packing it in anyway. The boss at the bullfrog breeding farm is my uncle. My mother has asked her cousin to get her husband to hire me at the farm…
SUPERVISOR: (impatiently) Okay, that’s enough. All this uncle-cousin-husband talk has me going in circles. You might not care about your rice bowl because you’ve got an uncle you can rely on, but I need mine to survive. So while you’re on duty, no reading text messages and no answering your phone.
SECURITY GUARD: (snaps to attention) Yes, sir!
SUPERVISOR: Be careful.
SECURITY GUARD: (snaps to attention) Yes, sir! (can’t keep from laughing) Tee-hee…
SUPERVISOR: Have you been drinking dog piss, or did you dream you were marrying a rich woman? What the hell are you laughing at?
SECURITY GUARD: I’m not laughing at anything…
SUPERVISOR: (sticks out his right hand) Hand it over!
SECURITY GUARD: What?
SUPERVISOR: Your cell phone, that’s what.
SECURITY GUARD: I promise I won’t use it again, sir. Okay?
SUPERVISOR: Shut up! Are you going to hand it over or aren’t you? If you don’t I’ll report you to the department head.
SECURITY GUARD: I’m involved in a romance, sir, and I need my cell phone.
SUPERVISOR: When your father was involved in a romance, he didn’t even have a telephone and he managed to win over your mother, didn’t he? Make it snappy!
SECURITY GUARD: (reluctantly hands over his cell phone) I didn’t mean to laugh, but the message was just so funny.
SUPERVISOR: (plays with the phone) I want to see just what it was that had you laughing so hard… ‘In an effort to produce a champion sprinter, the National Athletic Commission ordered a marriage between men’s hundred-metre-dash gold medallist Qian Bao and women’s distance gold medallist Jin Lu. When Jin Lu’s pregnancy had reached full term, she delivered a baby in the hospital. Qian Bao asked the doctor: Is it a boy or a girl? The doctor replied, I couldn’t tell. It ran off as soon as it was out.’ You laughed at that old joke? I’ve got a couple of good ones here. (He takes out his cell phone, but before he starts reading, he realises what he’s doing and stuffs both phones into his pocket.) Tonight’s the Mid-Autumn Festival. Department Head Liu said we have to double our vigilance on special holidays.
SECURITY GUARD: (sticks out his hand) My phone!
SUPERVISOR: I’m keeping it for now. You can have it back when you’re off-duty.
SECURITY GUARD: (pleading) This is a holiday, sir. Families are having happy reunions, enjoying moon cakes, setting off firecrackers, gazing at the full moon, falling in love, but not me. I’m stuck here like a pole, and you’re taking even the pleasure of exchanging text messages with my girlfriend from me.
SUPERVISOR: That’s enough. Stand your watch, keep your eyes and ears open, and stop all suspicious individuals at the gate.
SECURITY GUARD: Oh, come on. Don’t pay attention to Big Head’s nonsense. Who wants to come to a hospital on special days? Even crooks celebrate holidays.
SUPERVISOR: Stop clowning around! Is this some kind of game to you? (lowers his voice secretively) On New Year’s a terrorist gang entered the (unintelligible) Maternity Hospital and snatched eight babies as hostages…
SECURITY GUARD: (soberly) Oh…
SUPERVISOR: (mysteriously) Are you aware that a certain someone’s mistress is in the hospital to have a baby?
SECURITY GUARD: (cocks his ear to listen attentively)
SUPERVISOR: (softly, secretively) Get it? Remember, a black Mercedes and a green BMW are his cars. Be sure to give them snappy salutes coming and going. No sloppy behaviour!
SECURITY GUARD: Yes, sir! (reaches out) Now can you give me back my cell phone?
SUPERVISOR: No, absolutely not! This is a special night. Not only is Boss Jin’s wife expecting to deliver, but Party Secretary Song’s daughter-in-law is due as well. A black Audi A-6, licence 08858, keep your eyes open for it.
SECURITY GUARD: (unhappily) Those pricks sure know how to pick the right day! My girlfriend told me that the moon tonight will be the brightest and roundest in the last fifty years. (gazes into the sky) When is the moon full? I ask with a glass in my hand. We toast the heavens with wine…