TADPOLE: A man is at his prime in his fifties. The issue is with women.
REPORTER: Would it be all right to interview your wife?
TADPOLE: She’s resting. She’ll come out to toast our guests in a little while.
REPORTER: (holding the microphone in front of Yuan Sai) Chairman Yuan, now that your friend Tadpole has become a father at his age, are you itching to do the same?
YUAN: What an interesting phrase, itching to do the same. I may be itching, but not to do the same. I doubt that I have particularly good genes. I have two sons, and one’s as big a drain on me as the other. If I had another, I doubt that the results would be any better. Then there’s my wife, whose soil has seriously hardened. If I planted a sapling, in three days it would be a cane.
LI SHOU: Why not let your mistress do it?
YUAN SAI: How can you say things like that at your age, my friend? We’re upright, highly moral individuals who don’t get involved in ugly affairs like that.
LI SHOU: Ugly affairs? It’s all the rage these days, a new wave, gene improvement, aiding the poor and lending a helping hand to the weak, fuelling domestic demand and furthering development.
YUAN SAI: Stop right there. If that gets out, they’ll be coming after you.
LI SHOU: Ask them if they dare broadcast that.
REPORTER: (smiles without answering, turns to Gugu) Gugu, I hear that you have developed a ‘return to spring’ elixir that will restore a post-menopausal woman’s youth.
GUGU: Many people say I have a potion that can change the sex of a foetus. Do you believe that?
REPORTER: I’d rather believe it than not.
GUGU: There’s a god if you believe there is, and if you don’t, it’s just an unpainted clay idol. That’s just how people are.
TADPOLE: Miss Gao, you and your station colleagues are welcome to join us at the table. You can continue interviewing after you’ve had something to drink.
REPORTER: No, you go ahead. Just pretend we’re not here.
LI SHOU: How are we supposed to do that with you people walking around while we’re drinking?
REPORTER: You can — pretend we’re not people, pretend we’re — whatever you want.
YUAN SAI: Guifang, you were my idol during our school days, so I have to raise my glass to you.
LIU: (clinks glasses with Yuan) Here’s to the success of your bullfrog breeding farm and the early arrival of your Jiaowa Skin Care product in the market.
YUAN SAI: Don’t change the subject. I want to tell you how besotted I was with you back then.
LIU: Stop being foolish with your false display of affection. Everybody knows there’s a harem of beautiful women in Chairman Yuan’s bullfrog farm.
REPORTER: (takes advantage of the pause to speak into her microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, today’s Aspects on Society program focuses on a joyous event in Northeast Gaomi Township. On the fifteenth of last month, the famous playwright Tadpole, a recent retiree who has returned home to write, and his wife, Little Lion, both now in their fifties, were blessed with the birth of a healthy, lively, pudgy son…
GUGU: Bring the baby out to show everyone.
Tadpole runs off the stage.
LIU: (glares at Yuan and says under her breath) Enough nonsense. You’ll make Gugu unhappy.
Tadpole enters with Little Lion, a towel around her head, the swaddled baby in her arms.
The cameraman films away.
The guests applaud and shout their congratulations.
TADPOLE: Let Gugu see him.
Little Lion takes the baby up to Gugu, who pulls back the blanket to see him.
GUGU: (with emotion) A fine boy. A truly fine boy, with excellent genes. So good-looking that if he’d been born during feudal times, he’d be the top scholar at the civil service examination.
LI SHOU: Why stop there? He could be Emperor.
GUGU: What is this, a bragging contest?
REPORTER: (puts the microphone in front of Gugu) Did you deliver this baby, too, Gugu?
GUGU: (tucks a red envelope into the swaddling clothes. Tadpole and Little Lion try to refuse the gift, but Gugu waves them off) This is the custom. Your aunt can afford it. (to the reporter) Fortunately, they trusted me. She was past the normal child-bearing age, and she’s under a lot of pressure. I told her to go to the hospital to ‘slice open the melon’, but she said no, and I supported her in her decision. Only a woman who delivers a baby through the birth canal knows what it means to be a woman and how to be a mother.
While Gugu is being interviewed, Little Lion and Tadpole show the baby to all the guests, each of whom tucks a red envelope into the swaddling clothes.
REPORTER: Will he be the last baby you deliver, Gugu?
GUGU: What do you think?
REPORTER: I hear that women in Northeast Gaomi Township aren’t the only ones who revere and trust you, that many pregnant women come to you from Pingdu and Jiaozhou counties.
GUGU: I was born to work hard.
REPORTER: I’ve heard that there’s a magic power in your hands, and that all you have to do is place them on a pregnant woman’s abdomen to greatly lessen their pain. Even their worries and their fears evaporate.
GUGU: That is how myths are born.
REPORTER: Gugu, please show us your hands. We’d like to get a couple of shots of them.
GUGU: (sarcastically) The people need their myths. (turns to the guests) Know who said that?
LI SHOU: A great person, by the sound of it.
GUGU: I said it.
YUAN SAI: Gugu just about qualifies as a great person.
LIU: What do you mean, just about? Gugu is a great person.
REPORTER: (sombrely) These two ordinary hands brought thousands of babies into the world.
GUGU: It was also these two ordinary hands that sent thousands of babies straight to Hell. (empties her glass) Gugu’s hands are stained with two kinds of blood, one fragrant, the other fetid.
LIU: Gugu, you are our Northeast Township’s Living Buddha. The closer we look the more the Goddess in the Fertility Temple looks like you. They made her in your image.
GUGU: (drunkenly) The people need their myths.
REPORTER: (holds the microphone in front of Little Lion) Can we hear some of your thoughts, madam?
LITTLE LION: About what?
REPORTER: Whatever you like. How you felt when you discovered you were pregnant, for instance. Or how it felt to be pregnant, or why you insisted that Gugu be there when it was time…