He knew she was right, but still it was eating at him. He got out of bed and went to her. Squatting in front of her, he took her hands in his. “Whether you blame me or not, I’m still sorry. You’re such an amazing person to get through something like that and come out of it the person you are.” And he had every intention of twatting the life out of this Matthew if he could find him. “Thank you for telling me. It can’t have been easy for you to talk about. You’re a stronger and bigger person than I could ever hope to be, do you know that?”
The gentle contact was killing her. She would have preferred for him to be repelled by her and not want to touch her. It would make what was coming next so much easier. “Connor -”
“Shhhh.” He circled her with his arms and held her to him gently.
It wasn’t an embrace filled with sympathy or Jaxxon would have ended it. It wasn’t to comfort her either. It was as though he was holding her to reassure himself that she was okay, that she was away from all that. Her eyes closed when he started doodling circles on her back with his finger. Never before him had she liked gentle touches. And why? Because it meant relaxing into someone, letting down her guard enough to trust that that touch wouldn’t change into something else, to trust that they wouldn’t hurt her physically or emotionally. Connor had actually penetrated that shield she had erected around herself, and now she was about to leave him. Made no sense when you put it like that, but all she would be signing herself up for with Connor would be something that would forever be casual.
“You really don’t hate me?”
Her laugh was silent. “I don’t hate you.” It would be easier if she did. “I love you actually.” He pulled back and his eyes shot to hers. “I was angry that you never came back, but that was because I loved you and was missing you and was hurt that you didn’t feel the same.” She made sure she sounded reassuring. “I’m not expecting you to say you love me. I’m not expecting you to give me more. I’m just telling you so that you know why I’m ending this now. I can’t be involved with someone I love who doesn’t love me back, Connor.”
Speechless. Connor was actually speechless. It had been the last thing in the world he had expected her to say. He hadn’t believed that she could ever feel like that for him. Ever. He wasn’t exactly a lovable person or the type to give her the things she wanted from life, which was why she was leaving. He was losing her for good. He’d probably never see her again. And just like that he was panicking. She started to stand and he held her in place. “Jaxx.” He didn’t even know what to say. “Jaxx, you know I care about you.”
She did know that, she finally believed it. “It’s not enough, Connor. I’m not condemning you for that, alright, I’m not. I knew going into this that there could be nothing more, I wasn’t expecting anything more. God, I wasn’t expecting to want anything more.” With a half-smile she stood. “It had to end sometime, right? I’m just ending it sooner rather than later.”
Feeling like he was in some sort of daze, Connor followed her out of the room. She was leaving. Leaving. And he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t even know what he was feeling. Different conflicting emotions were swirling inside him and fogging his thoughts to the extent that he couldn’t tell what those emotions were. His chest ached and burned. All he knew for sure was that he didn’t want her to go. Everything inside him rebelled against it.
When he saw her suitcase and handbag positioned near the door he frowned. There was no way she could have packed without him hearing her fumbling around, which could only mean that she’d packed last night. “You knew last night you’d be ending this today,” he surmised. How had he not seen it in her eyes? “Where’re you going to be staying?”
Wanting to dodge that question she asked, “Oh would it be alright if I left Bronty with you and have Tony get him later?” Tony had moved her car and parked it outside his house to confuse whoever was following her. Connor had known, even gave Tony her keys, agreeing it was a good idea. “I won’t be allowed to put him in a taxi with me.” Ollie was outside right now waiting for her; they would be going straight to the airport from here.
“Yeah, sure.” His voice was low and rough. He watched as she made a fuss of Bronty and then went to her case and handbag. Panic welled up again inside him. “Jaxx.”
Jaxxon was surprised by the torment she saw on his face. She shouldn’t have told him about what had happened with Nick and Matthew; now he was feeling guilty and probably thinking that she was really leaving because she blamed him for everything. She went to where he stood – for once he was naked in front of her without an erection – and looped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder. She wasn’t good at affectionate touches, but she wanted to give him a ‘bye hug’, wanted him to know there were no ill feelings. He crushed her to him and buried his face in her hair.
“Stay.”
The whispered plea had her eyes snapping open. In spite of the fact that she didn’t want it to, hope was blossoming inside her.
“You’re not leaving for New York ’til Monday, stay ’til then.”
And just like that, the hope withered away. There was a spike of anger inside her. Here he was asking her to stay even though he knew she’d be hurting the entire time. And all just to feed his addiction. Taking a deep breath, she returned to her case and bag. She gave him one final look as she held open the front door. “Take care, Connor.”
CHAPTER NINETEEN
The second the door clicked shut behind Jaxxon, her esophagus began to ache and a pressure began to build in her chest. With each step she made toward the lift the pressure became heavier; a pressure that had nowhere to go and was expanding inside her like a balloon. It was destined to burst and she knew it, and she found herself distantly wondering if it would manifest itself in tears. She was only ‘distantly wondering’ because it was so hard to care. She had just walked away from the bloke she loved, who cared if she cried?
The very moment she stepped into the empty lift, her eyes began to sting and her throat felt swollen. Yep, she was going to cry alright and it seemed that her body was fighting it as her jaw hardened and her lungs were insisting on steady breaths. The feeling of descending as the lift began to lower only made the whole thing worse – the distance between her and Connor was increasing too quickly for her to deal with.
A part of her regretted ever letting him back into her life, but another part of her couldn’t bring herself to wish away the good laughs they’d had. Of course the infatuated teenager in her couldn’t understand why she was leaving him, believed that wherever he was she should be, and was heading for a breakdown. But the mature side of her who had moved passed what Nick and his gang and Matthew had done was resolute that she would get passed this too, was reminding her that sure it was painful but pain was part of life.
She hadn’t taken more than four steps out of the lift when her mobile phone began chiming. She dug it out of her bag and frowned at the screen. Tony. She really didn’t want to speak to anyone right now. She wasn’t even sure that any words would come out, at least not without sounding like she had a frog jammed in her throat. The tears were so close. But this was Tony – the bloke who had done so much for her and rented out his annexe to her and was even going to take care of her dog for her…She’d phone him back in a minute when she was feeling more composed.