I looked for him from face to face, around heads, bundles… but everything was all right up in my face; everything was too much for me to be able to see clearly and make out one man in that great explosion of people. Panicking, I pushed forward into even more. No luck. There were so many eyes and smiles, arms, words, packages, children… I pushed harder and was pushed right back.
This didn’t work, and the crush scared the shit out of me. Maybe if I returned to the gate, I’d find him there. He knew me and knew I’d come for him. But how could we find each other? I turned around and bulled my way back. At the exit I stood on tiptoe to look for him in a mob that never stopped or thinned, so many of those people looking lost and scared and totally alone. God, it broke my heart.
At last, after about three lifetimes, things did get calm and only small groups were still on the platform, most of them sitting forlornly on their bags, talking among themselves or to the Red Cross workers. But no Leland. Had he missed the train? Had something happened to him before he left Sarajevo?
But then there—oh, God, oh, God—way down at the front of the train, walking slowly, carrying that big red knapsack over his shoulder and waving when he saw me… Oh, Rose, I started running. But then immediately I dropped my purse, and everything spilled across the whole ground. I bent and scooped as fast as I could, looking up constantly to check that he was still coming. I finished, zipped up the bag, and tried to run. Then my left leg buckled and I wobbled, but straightened out and was off. He was much closer now and was smiling. He was smiling at me! At me! At me! Ten feet away he dropped his bag and, throwing his arms out, shouted my name so loudly that it owned the whole station: Arrrrlennn Everybody looked at him and then at me and started smiling. One little boy screamed it out too, and their voices hung together for a few seconds, and it was the most wonderful sound.
By the time he stopped, I was hugging him as hard as I could. We stayed there so long. And then he said, “I want to go to Italy. I want to go with you. Will you go with me?”
WYATT AND ARLEN
I looked at Wyatt and thought of him for a moment as Finky Linky, the vibrant, funny man who’d made a million kids laugh and think. More than anything in the world, I wanted him to be Finky Linky now—full of magic and solutions, capable of flicking a wrist and saving both of us from what was already happening. His eyes met mine but fell away quickly, as if he were guilty of some crime. He was only a man, a sick man who had come to my house because he was as scared and confused as I was about what had happened. I sighed and worked up as much of a smile as I could find.
Before the conversation began, I’d put things on the table. I wanted to look at them as I spoke so that I’d remember everything. The brown leather dog leash, the blue baseball cap, and of course the photograph. Where would my story be without that? I’d brought it to the table along with the other things, but turned it face down so that he couldn’t see what was there until I was ready. “Wyatt, do you remember the first time I saw you at the Hilton? The day you arrived in Vienna with your friend?”
“Yes. It was such a surprise to see you.”
“That was the happiest time of my entire life. Forget the career, the fame, and all the rest. Right then was it. I’ve thought about it so much since, and even with everything that’s happened, that was the best. My heart was full of absolute pure joy. I’ve never been more exactly where I wanted to be. With a man who was compelling and marvelous. I totally believed in him and what was possible between us, even with his sickness hanging over us like a black radiation cloud. Still! We were going to Italy because he wanted to be with me. Finally. When I saw you I wasn’t surprised at all. It was just another great thing. Hey, there’s Wyatt Leonard, isn’t that nice? Know what else? Know how sometimes when you’re having a great time, you can’t help wondering when it’s going to end? When’s the bad going to come back? That never happened. For, I don’t know, two weeks, I was utterly fulfilled and satisfied. There was nothing more I wanted from life. And I didn’t wonder whether I was worthy or when it was going to end, or why this wonderful thing was happening to me. It just was and I flowed with it and thanked God twenty times a day.”
“God?” Wyatt snorted and said the word archly.
I looked my friend in the eye. “Yes. You want me to say there is no God after what’s happened, but I won’t. I don’t understand any of it, but I do believe that if there’s one of them, then there’s got to be the other.”
“Strayhorn says there is only Life and Death.”
“But Phil’s not a very reliable source, is he?” I tried to keep my voice steady but it cracked at the end of the sentence.
“Tell me the whole thing, Arlen. I want to hear it all. I have to.”
“I know, I’m getting there. But I’ve got to tell this my way, or else I’ll get confused. So, we met you at the hotel and then took the bus to the airport. We would’ve taken my car, but Leland said we shouldn’t because he had no idea when we’d be back, and parking might end up costing a fortune. Such a zip of electricity went up my back when I heard that! He didn’t know when we’d get back. Everything was up in the air, everything up for grabs. Neither of us had any plans beyond each other, and we were pushing everything else away. People talk about just picking up and going, but they never do it. Too dangerous, too much at stake. But the hell with dangerous! We were going to try, so don’t take the car to the airport ‘cause we don’t know when we’ll be back. Moments like that make you want to shout and throw your arms in the air. And there were so many moments those days when I’d really gasp at the intensity of something, or a chill would freeze me with excitement and anticipation.
“The things Leland said and the way he saw life got more and more interesting the longer we were together. The man knew things, and you wanted to hear all of his opinions. On the plane to Italy we talked about politics and love, food, travel. Every time we got talking, it just got richer and fuller, no matter what. He knew so much and could express it so well; put a whole new spin on a subject so your head would be vibrating and reeling at the same time.
“Another thing was his incredible ability to listen and retain everything you said. Do you know what a compliment it is when someone brings up something trivial you said but forgot four days ago? The man remembered it all! Even the way he listened…
“There was a beautiful young stewardess on the plane who was obviously interested in him, but he didn’t even tip her a nod. She kept trying to bat her big eyes and make contact, but it was funny, because he ignored her and kept listening to me.”
“Well, you’re also known by half the world as a pretty good-looking woman yourself, Alien.”
“Sure, but this was different. He wasn’t paying attention because he wanted to seduce me. He knew he had that if he wanted it. No, he was interested in what I was saying. He wanted to hear. That’s a whole other thing and such a compliment! Anyway, isn’t that what love boils down to in the end? I want to listen to you; what you have to say matters to me. I believe it is. I even started laughing once and told him the way the two of us were always head to head gabbing away must make us look like two little kids sharing secrets. And who listens more carefully to a kid than his buddy?
“Florence was lovely, but it didn’t matter where we were. We went sightseeing and ate in restaurants Leland had heard about. My main memories of those days, though, were walking and talking and the heat. It was so hot that we’d walk a while, then plop down in outdoor cafés and order ice-cold Cokes. I’ve never liked Coca-Cola so much in my life. Usually they brought it to you by the glass, but if you were lucky they gave you the bottle and a glass. That way, before you poured it out, you could roll the cold bottle across your forehead or up and down each arm first. It was as refreshing as the drink itself. Walking and conversation and cold Coke.