I’m having serious second thoughts. What I imagined was brilliant and heartfelt yesterday sounds clichéd and pretentious this morning.
I glance at the speech again.
We don’t have one second to waste. We can’t afford to make mistakes. Think carefully, choose wisely, set a tone. And get busy, class of 2012!
Maybe Max was right and the quote is off. I’m not sure anyone will relate to it. I’m not sure I do.
We can’t afford to make mistakes. Do I really feel that way? It sounds so severe. I mean, the last twenty-four hours were a huge mistake, but do I regret it? I don’t think I do. My answer surprises me a bit. But the truth is, despite the fact that it’s morning and things haven’t exactly gone in my favor, I learned I can survive outside of my tiny little world. I learned that even if it hurts sometimes, I’d rather be out there in the big, wide world than hidden safely inside my own cage. My heart may be broken, my clothes may be lost, my speech may no longer be relevant, but I’m stronger for it. Still, it’s not very helpful at the moment. I mean, what am I going to do about the damn speech? I don’t have time to rewrite the whole thing. And I’m certainly not going to just ad-lib a new one from the podium. I have no real choice. I’m going to have to go with it. It’s one speech, for a school I hated. I’ll say the words, get off the stage, and move on with my life. It won’t go down in the annals of Freiburg history as the world’s best valedictorian speech, but I’ll live.
We’ve now been driving for a while; we’re nearly in Tijuana. We’re making good time. If all goes well, we should be back by ten thirty, eleven. Maybe I’ll even have time to change. I realize I’m going to have to call my mom and come up with some kind of explanation for why I’m still not home, where I’ve been, and why I’m wearing a bright pink dress that looks distinctly South of the Border.
“You working on your speech, Kylie?” Max leans over from the back. His head is nearly flush with mine; his hair grazes mine. I feel a shiver shoot up my spine. I wish he didn’t do that to me. It would be much easier to pretend I don’t give a shit if my body would just play along.
I glance at him and can’t help catching an eyeful of Lily as well. She looks as sour as ever. Max is suddenly pretending to care. Please. Fool me once. Not twice. When Lily arrived he fell right back into old patterns. Last night was just a temporary deviation from form, or as he told Lily, “temporary insanity.” Once an asshole, always an asshole.
I’m not interested in conversation. That ship has sailed. We are no longer whatever we were last night. We’re not even friends. I may not regret the experience, but that doesn’t mean I want his pity.
“Uh, yeah,” I say.
“Want to read it to us? Try it out?”
“No. I don’t.” I turn around and give my computer my full attention, hoping something brilliant will come to mind. Maybe I can add a line here or there, incrementally improve things.
“The whole valedictorian thing is so stupid and overrated,” Lily says to no one in particular.
“I doubt you’d think it was overrated if you were the one chosen, like me,” I say. I’m in no mood for her attitude, and I’m in no mood to let her get away with it, either.
“Whatever. I so don’t care.”
“Lily, you care more than anyone,” Charlie adds. “You just weren’t first. Like Kylie.”
Charlie hasn’t said much this whole car ride, but what he has said hasn’t been anything like what I assumed he’d say. It’s a shock to my system. He’s not such an awful guy. I’m actually starting to like him. Guess I shouldn’t have kicked him in the shin.
“I wanted to come in first, but I never wanted the responsibility of the speech. It’s too much pressure. You spend all this time working on it, and then no one really listens, and the few people who do rip it to shreds. You just can’t win,” Lily says. “I feel bad for you, Kylie. I really do. I know how much work you’ve probably put into it. And I know how hard it’s going to be to pull it off.”
Lily isn’t fooling me. She’s trying to psych me out. Not going to work.
“Kylie’s speech is going to blow people away. I’ve heard it and it rocks. So shut your piehole, Lily,” Will snaps.
“I heard some of it too, and I’m sure Kylie’s going to be great,” Max says.
What a lie. He hated what he heard. Don’t bother defending me. I can fight my own battles, dude.
“You know what, Lily, I don’t really care what you or anyone else thinks. It’s one speech. One day. It’s like a sneeze in our lives.” I refuse to let Lily think she’s won. Sure, she’s gotten to Max. But she hasn’t gotten to me.
“It can be pretty embarrassing if it doesn’t go well. Three years ago, Janelle Davis gave such a bad speech, I heard that she’s still too embarrassed to come visit.”
“Lily!” Max scolds.
“What? I’m just saying…”
“Kylie, I meant to ask you guys earlier, but then it completely slipped my mind, with Guido the killer pimp after us. Why are you and Max wearing wedding rings? Must have gotten pretty serious last night,” Will says.
Oh, no. I know what Will’s doing. Trying to bitch slap Lily. But this isn’t the way.
“What?” Lily says, turning to Max. “You have a wedding ring?”
“Uh, not exactly,” Max says, sheepish.
I can’t help myself: I turn around and look at Max’s hand and discover he isn’t wearing his anymore. I slip mine off and put it in my pocket.
“Pretty sure I saw one on each of you this morning,” Will says. “Wait, wasn’t there a massive group wedding on the pier last night? You guys didn’t actually tie the knot in a crazy fit of spontaneity, did you? Because, I mean, you were both pretty wasted.”
I get a sick feeling in my stomach. I don’t want to do this.
Not here. Not now. The space is too claustrophobic. I turn around and shoot Will a look, but he ignores me.
“I mean, it wouldn’t surprise me. You looked pretty in love—”
“No! Nothing like that happened,” I say, cutting Will off, even though I’m not sure what exactly happened. My recollection is a little vague. I want to ask Max in privacy and then deal with the consequences later. Not in the car, with everyone listening.
“Actually, we did. We got married. On the pier. With about thirty other couples,” Max says. Jesus, what is he doing?
“What?!” Lily and I say it at the exact same time.
“Jinx,” Will says.
“Are you kidding me?” Lily spews her venom on Max. “You said nothing happened. It was all a mistake, temporary insanity. This is not nothing.”
“Which is a double negative, meaning something happened,” Will adds.
I need to stop this.
“Trust me, it was nothing,” I say. “We’re not really married. It was like a game on the pier. We both know it wasn’t real, right, Max?”