The questions that surprised them the most were the ones that came as she paused periods in her late development; “What memory was I reliving when I looked like I was pushing something away?” she asked as she replayed a segment of her growth where she was warding something away with her hands and feet. It turned out to be the memory of an unwelcome pass while she was in a night club on leave.
“What's happening here? I'm curled up, not moving at all.” she asked as she pointed out to a long clip that stretched on for several hours. The answer surprised her, an unwelcome reminder of the friend she had lost after graduating from the Academy. Sylvia, who she had grown up with and had graduated before to join Fleet as an ensign had been accidentally killed while on long range patrol. The memory came back to her then. She laid in her bunk and cried herself to sleep the night after hearing the news. The following duty shift came too soon and she almost didn't show up. That watch was the hardest, and for weeks she was on autopilot, working, studying, sleeping. Eventually she snapped out of it and thinking back she realized it was her work that got her through the grieving period for the friend she still missed.
There were other expressions, positions that she had questions about, but the most important and the last query was brought on by a self satisfied grin unlike any she'd seen. As it turned out that expression was caused by the experience of the Pilot's Ball. Ayan liked the spotlight from time to time, it was true. The Pilot's Ball was an experience she'd never forget, feeling like the center of attention, having the eye of the one person in the crowd you wanted to be near; few people had more than one night like that in their lifetimes.
Jonas had been tongue tied, dazzled. She couldn't help but wonder if she should change her hair colour back to the shade of red it was that night or if she could fit into that white gown. Those thoughts were secondary to the memory of their first kiss, the first time he trusted her with stories of his childhood, of his parents. She missed him and at the same time wondered if Jacob Valance was struggling with the same questions, the same problems she had.
The thought seemed ridiculous somehow. Jonas, or Jake as he was called the second time around, would have no such problems. Heaven knows he wasn't always sure of himself, but if there's any of Jonas in Jacob he's probably gifted with that deep well of strength and resolve. I've never seen someone so kind summon such will and clarity of purpose when it's needed. He's probably past any problems he's had with Jonas' memories if Jake's anything like him. If nothing else I'd just like to hear what kind of advice he could offer. God I hope he's in there, I hope he remembers everything important about what it is to be Jonas. Everything with him feels so unfinished and I miss him. In times like these, when I could use someone just like him, I miss him so much. The recordings of him chasing down bounties, making a grand speech for the Aucharians and other, less flashy security footage came to mind. There's got to be something. He was a bit of a bad boy in sims before we met, always looking for some challenge to overcome, and the more it seemed like someone else couldn't do it, the more he wanted to do it. That white scarf I gave him, in most of the playbacks he still wears it, there's got to be something of Jonas in him, even if it's buried. Still, marks how little I've changed; still heels up for the bad boy in the bunch.
She sighed and fixed herself with a small smile. The dimples in her cheeks were something she was still getting used to along with other little changes in her expressions. Silly girl, pining over someone whose as much fantasy as anything when your future's about to be announced by the highest law in the sector.
Her thoughts returned to the seven judges on the Freeground Nation Judiciary Council, entrusted with protecting and determining foundation laws for all citizens. From what she understood her very existence was a question that was difficult to answer in legal terms. She wasn't a clone, but a new being that had matured from genetically purified stock in a wormhole that allowed time to pass faster inside its influence than outside.
Doctor Anderson and Doctor Milan both visited her every day since she woke to ensure she was well physically as well as mentally. Doctor Anderson was a researcher and medical doctor, the other, Doctor Milan, was a seasoned psychiatrist who had been on board for the thirty year circular trip. They also kept her up to date on how the presentation of her case to the Judiciary Council was going. The fact that she wasn't allowed to attend was beyond frustrating. Even though she already knew the answer, she couldn't help but ask why she wasn't allowed to watch the proceedings; “The Council is judging this based on scientific fact and they believe that it may be difficult to remain objective with you present,” came the predictable answer.
“I'm not just some experiment, I became a person. An actual woman who deserves to know what they're saying, what they're thinking while they make decisions that could determine my future!” she responded exasperatedly. She knew it was no use, that complaining to Doctor Milan wouldn't do any good. Her therapist was just the messenger, a testifying witness at best.
That was several days before. Her complaint had more of an impact than she had expected. The entire research team who assisted with her rebirth made an appeal to the Judiciary Council on her behalf. As a result the Council would give her the opportunity to speak before they made their final ruling.
As she checked her white vacsuit, made more in the fashion of a civilian garment with a low cut neckline, and put on a long, gossamer blue shawl that had been given to her by Doctor Shannon Milan, she reminded herself to thank the whole team once again. The outfit had more class than what she normally wore, shimmered white and blue and still had all the practical elements of what she had grown used to on the First Light. She adjusted her shawl so it hung properly, starting just below her white choker flowing down to her knees and shook her head.
It still feels so strange sometimes just accepting the memories they gave me as my own but it feels right. Shannon was right, I'm glad we had that morning session. I feel much better going into this without feeling so guilty, feeling like I'm trespassing every time I think about what I lived in another body. That's all it is, really. Those memories are just from another body, it was still me.
Ayan checked herself in the mirror for the last time and sighed at the face there. “A bit of extra weight showing around the cheeks but at least I don't have to take meds every morning or get a checkup every week after this,” she had to admit that she missed her red hair sometimes, something she might fix later, but against the shimmering white and blue outfit she wore the loose blond curls looked fetching, much better than she expected.
As she stepped towards the door it slid quietly to the side where Doctor Anderson was answering a question for Minh and Doctor Milan smiled at her. “You look lovely. Very much yourself.”
“I don't know exactly what that means, but thank you,” Ayan teased with a smirk.
“Whose the looker?” Minh complimented with a playful wink. He was in his old First Light starfighter pilot uniform. A black vacsuit with a heavy flight jacket over top that came complete with a white scarf. She was reminded again of the one she had given Jonas and through that her mind wandered momentarily to Minh's invitation. If she could jump into his ship right then and there instead of face the Judiciary Council she would have.