Now, remember, pregnancy is never a good game plan to lockdown a guy. In fact, you shouldn’t let any guy wearing cargo shorts even near your lady parts. (That’s probably the easiest way to avoid getting pregnant because it automatically eliminates 99% of all men.) But, the 1% of men without cargo shorts, might be worth risking it. Because they’re most likely doctors or have some other career that requires them to respect themselves.
JAILHOUSE WEDLOCK
Weddings, birthdays, graduations, holidays — these milestone moments bring together family. A chance to gather, eat, and dodge the inevitable “So, why aren’t you married yet…” question you’ll be asked by relatives you forgot even existed. As if you weren’t already self-conscious enough about your dating life, now you have people who are complete fucking strangers 364 days of the year questioning your “dateability.” Who the fuck does Aunt Linda think she is anyway? She’s been divorced four fucking times; she’s the last person who should be questioning you. Regardless, she’s doing it — so how do you answer? Well, it should begin by expressing the fact that you’re just waiting for the “right guy.” You know, one of those timeless, romantic moments that can only happen in a city like Paris, France.
The year is 1719, and dozens of so-called “undateable” women are about to meet the man of their dreams, get married, and be sent on an all-expenses-paid honeymoon to America. Because this is the year the French government offered male prisoners release if they agreed to do one simple thing as a condition of their liberation: Marry a prostitute and move to Louisiana. Yeah, even the French knew marriage is a punishment worse than prison. Pretty fucking romantic though, right? I mean, you had all these working girls, who had likely given up on finding a guy, suddenly married to a prison-sculpted, hard bod — some real “Pretty Woman” kind of shit. (No wonder Paris is known as “The City of Love.”)
Now, it wasn’t just criminals and call girls being sent to Louisiana (chained together, by the way — a literal “ball and chain” type of marriage); the government also sent the homeless, some families even sent their troubled teens. Essentially, deportation to Louisiana was done in an attempt to clean up the city. All in all, hundreds of Parisians became southern state castaways during the early 1700s… but, hey, at least some ladies got a husband out of it.
So, the next time they ask, let your relatives know you’re just waiting for a French felon to come sweep you off your feet. Then, with a mouthful of mashed potatoes, share this story with them. There’s still hope for you.
A HAIRY PROPOSITION
Everybody enjoys a good hat. The convenience of leaving your home without feeling the need to fuck with your hair beforehand is just awesome. But back in 19th-century Victorian Britain, the men didn’t just wear hats to cover their hair — they wore hats to show off their lover’s hair. Yeah, you read that right. Doesn’t seem to make sense, does it?
Let’s try it this way, there was actually a time when giving someone a chunk of your crotch wig was considered a sign of affection. A sign of affection men proudly displayed, pinning their lover’s pubic hair to their hat like a trophy. (Perfectly reasonable. If you go to third base, you want to bring back a souvenir.) The best part about this was you’d never have to wonder if the carpet matched the drapes; you’d know for sure what everyone had going on — hat hair tells no lies. Plus, for girls, it would be super easy to catch your dude cheating on you. It would happen like this, "Karl! Whose fucking clam hair is this pinned to your hat!? These aren’t my curls, you two-timing son of a bitch!” And, just like that, your marriage is over. (Karl, you fucking jerk.)
Anyway, chances are you have trouble even getting your boyfriend to wear that shirt you bought him last Valentine’s Day. Now, imagine trying to get him to wear a tuft of pubes on his head. Now THAT would be a true measure of his love. You should probably ask him to do it. And I’m talking real pubes — not that shitty attempt at a beard he already has on his face.
If dudes 150 years ago could wear biscuit whiskers to show their commitment, surely your boyfriend can do it. It’s so much more meaningful than a name tattoo. Trust me, I have one of those, and Ashley doesn’t mean a thing to me.
STEP YOUR GAME UP
Girls love surprises. Think outside the bin with your next romantic gesture. Seriously, what the fuck is your girlfriend going to do with a 52-inch teddy bear anyway? C’mon, use your imagination for something other than dreaming about a rap career for once. Your poor girl has been putting up with your shit for months — maybe even years — and all you can do is get her something from the front bin of your local Walmart? That’s just wrong.
Let’s set the bar with a historical example of a dude going all-in for his girclass="underline" The year is 1931, and King Edward VIII (at this time, he was just Prince Edward) meets a married American woman by the name of Wallis Simpson. They hit it off, they frequent the bone zone together for a number of years, and Edward is convinced she is “the one.” Wallis, feeling equally as passionate, obtains a divorce and gets ready to put her wifey lock on Edward’s royal cock. At this same time, in early 1936, Edward’s dad dies and Prince Edward becomes King Edward. Now, this is where it gets complicated.
Edward and Ms. Simpson’s little arrangement is met with heavy opposition by the British government on all kinds of legal, political, religious, and moral grounds. The gist of it: As King of England, Edward was not allowed to marry a divorced woman because it was against the beliefs of the Church of England. So, what did Edward do? He gave up his throne. Yeah, the dude gave up his position as THE KING OF MOTHERFUCKING ENGLAND just so he could marry Ms. Simpson. And, the two lived the remainder of their lives together in the beautiful French countryside.
Now, Edward may have given up his position as King of England — but in terms of romantic gestures — Edward will always be the King. In other words, “Step your game up, teddy-bear boy.”
ROMANTIC REVENGE
Guys and lesbians, if you’re lucky enough to land yourself a badass girl, you better hold onto her. Hold onto her like the way you clutch a 100-dollar bill, a gift card to your favorite restaurant, or anything else you find as important as food and money. Because you know what they say, “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.”
So, just how does one go about finding one of these elusive, unwavering creatures of badassness? Online dating? Nope. (Well, unless you want to date your fucking cousin or someone you went to high school with — equally disgusting options.) Your best bet is probably going to be in person. Perhaps through a friend of a friend, but most likely, it will happen when you least expect it. You might even die before you have a chance to realize how badass your girl really is. Take for example, Jeanne de Clisson, also known as “The Lioness of Brittany.”
If that nickname doesn’t prove just how badass this woman was, let me tell you a little more about her: In 1330, Jeanne married Olivier de