Clisson IV, a wealthy Breton lord and son of a military legend. And, like all political couples, Olivier and Jeanne were under constant, almost-unfair scrutiny. In fact, in 1343, this resulted in Olivier being arrested by his own countrymen regarding a previous conflict he’d had with the English. He was put on trial, found guilty, and beheaded on August 2, 1343. (Yeah, there wasn’t much of an appeal process back then.)
Appalled by the unjust treatment and execution of her beloved husband, Jeanne swore to avenge his death. So, she purchased three ships, painted them black, dyed the sails blood red, and became a fucking pirate. She then hired a crew along with two sons she shared with Olivier, and together, the family pursued and captured French fleets. (Way better than a family road trip.) As each new ship was captured, Jeanne would board their vessel and proceed to personally chop the French nobles’ heads off with a fucking axe — a tribute to the same way French nobility had killed her husband.
Now, if you’re debating about whether or not you should marry your current girlfriend, ask just how far she’s willing to go to avenge your death. That’s a great test of badassness. And, if you have yourself a Jeanne, you better get that girl a ring.
KEEP IT PRIVATE
Couples. They’re disgusting. They’re always kissing, sitting on the same side of a booth, sharing entrées, finishing each other’s sentences, wearing matching outfits, using pet names, and a multitude of other obnoxious, PG-rated acts of love. Seriously though, if you’re going to get down with some public displays of affection, at least make it worth watching for the rest of us. Either make me horny, or make your way into a car and go the fuck home — you cute, gross, disgusting lovebirds.
But whatever you do, don’t go fighting and arguing in public, because there’s nothing more uncomfortable or inappropriate than airing your dirty laundry in front of an audience. And, yes, social media does count as “in public.” Besides, you’re probably arguing about some dumb, boring, couple shit anyway. Speaking of that, I feel it’s my duty to inform you — there are no rules when it comes to jumping ahead to the next episode of a series you started together. There’s no “together” when it comes to binge watching, binge drinking, or binge eating; it’s every man, woman, or gender-neutral individual for themself.
You know who’s great at keeping their arguments quiet? Mimes. You know who else was great at this? Thomas Fucking Edison. (Yeah, the light bulb guy.) You see, after Thomas married his second wife, Mina Miller, in 1886, he taught her Morse code so they could communicate with finger tapping while holding hands. Allowing them to have a private conversation in a crowded room. It was kind of like texting when you’re sitting right next to each other, except way cooler because it’s fucking Morse code and it requires you to actually be smart and not just own a smartphone. My point, Thomas Edison was a smart guy. And, as a smart guy, he knew not everybody needed to hear his private conversations with his wife. You should do the same thing. Be smart. Be like Thomas and keep your relationship between the two of you.
Now, enjoy the rest of your day and start practicing your Morse code. Doing so would give the phrase “tap that” an entirely new meaning in your relationship.
A PROVOKING SMOKE
There’s nothing in life worse than feeling “controlled.” Whether it’s your boss telling you to stop dyeing your hair blue, or your bossy boyfriend/ girlfriend telling you to unfriend someone on Facebook — being told how to act is annoying. For example, if I were a dog, I wouldn’t do a damn thing my owner told me. If he said, “Go fetch,” I’d be like, “Go fuck yourself.” Then I’d go chew a hole in his new sofa. Plain and simple, being told what to do fucking sucks. Unfortunately, this isn’t something you can avoid. People and organizations will always attempt to control you in some way or another — and THAT is out of your control. But, you can ALWAYS control how you react. The way you react to someone telling you what you can, or cannot do, is completely up to you.
Take for example Katie Mulcahey. On January 22, 1908, Ms. Mulcahey was arrested in New York City’s Bowery district for smoking a cigarette in public. Which, at the time, was illegal under The Sullivan Act. A dumb law created by some lame-ass conservative union to ban women — and only women — from public inhalation. They believed smoking was immoral and had the law passed in order to preserve the purity of NY’s female populace. And, in all her impure glory, Katie broke that law.
And this is what she said to the judge, “I’ve got as much right to smoke as you have. I never heard of this new law, and I don’t want to hear about it. No man shall dictate to me.” Well, the judge didn’t really like the feeling of his balls shriveling up inside him, so Katie was found guilty and fined five dollars (roughly $150 today). But, Katie didn’t give a fuck. She was just getting started.
In fact, she stirred up enough shit after the verdict to garner the attention of the mayor. So, just two weeks after Katie’s arrest, the mayor vetoed the anti- smoking law and women were once again allowed to get their smoke on.
Fuck “Columbus Day.” Where’s our “Katie Mulcahey Day” — right?
Now, the next time somebody tries to tell you what to do — like your server telling you you’ve had too many brunch mimosas — think to yourself, “W.W.K.D.,” then use your best outside voice to say, “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough.”
CRAZY LADY BAY
A lot of girls like to joke about being a handful, but the truth is: You probably fucking are. Fortunately, there are plenty of dudes who dig the shit out of girls slightly off their rocker. There’s something oddly rewarding about being able to handle a girl no one else can. It’s like being a pirate, and crazy girls are like an ocean — full of sharks, saltwater crocodiles, jellyfish, and a bunch of other shit that will totally fucking kill you — but, if you know how to navigate her deadly, crazy-lady waters, you’ll reach an island filled with treasures. Treasures like: exciting conversations, R-rated movies, and sex on a Tuesday. Sounds awesome, right? Of course it does.
Granted, dating a lady like this requires a man to always maintain a good sense of humor about life — a life she will gladly end if he’s not careful. Take for example the great German poet Heinrich Heine. You see, in 1830 (some say 1831), Heinrich left Germany and moved to Paris because the German government wasn’t exactly fond of his controversial writing. In fact, shortly after his voluntary departure, the government banned him from ever returning. So what? He was in Paris — way cooler anyway. It was here that he met a young woman named Crescence Eugénie Mirat. Now, keep in mind, Heine was a German poet, Crescence didn’t speak any German, and she had absolutely no interest in reading or writing. She was pretty much the exact opposite of everything he lived for. So, he didn’t exactly choose a woman who would be easy to deal with. But they made it work, and they were married in 1841. They stayed together until Heinrich’s death in 1856. And, in his will, we get a taste of the sense of humor that was necessary to make their relationship work all those years.
In that will, Heinrich left her all of his wealth, but with a catch: She had to remarry in order to receive it. Why did he want her to remarry? Because in Heinrich’s words, “Then there will be at least one man to regret my death.” You see, Heine knew his wife was a pain in the ass and thought it would be funny to watch another man try to deal with her shit. Anyway, she quickly remarried. You know, because money is cool and stuff. But I’m sure he floated around as a ghost on all her first dates like, “Oh no he didn’t.”