You see, King George was obsessed with Elizabeth. So obsessed that he one day decided he was no longer married to his actual wife, Queen Charlotte, and instead started telling everyone he was married to Elizabeth and Charlotte was a spy trying to kill him. Obviously, embarrassing the hell out of both women. The entire time, Elizabeth was probably like, “George, why are you so obsessed with me?” She literally wanted nothing to do with him, but that didn’t stop George from telling everyone about their new relationship. It’s worth mentioning that at this time George had also begun to suffer from a rare blood disease known as porphyria, causing him to experience bouts of severe dementia. (Makes sense. Because you literally have to be fucking insane to want to get married — twice.)
Anyway, long story short, porphyria eventually got the best of ole Georgie Boy several years later and he died on January 29, 1820. Leaving behind one real widow, and well, one fictitious one.
Clearly, not coming to a mutual understanding of what you are as a couple is just embarrassing and awkward for everyone involved.
BUCKET BRAWLERS
Admit it. If you’re in a relationship, you fight about stupid shit. And, anything is fair game when it comes to arguing with your boyfriend or girlfriend: t-shirts, TV shows, toothbrushes — all valid fodder on a Thursday night. Couples are like angry magicians, but instead of pulling rabbits and doves out of thin air, they pull out topics to argue about. Why? Because humans have exceptional imaginations when they’re in a relationship. This is why single people hate couples so much. It’s not because we’re jealous of your love, it’s because we know that deep down inside we all possess the potential to become just like you — and we’re fucking scared to death about it.
Now, if you’re coupled up, you’ve probably already begun thinking about all the pointless stuff you’ve argued about this past week. Well, I’m about to one-up you when it comes to pointless combat. The year is 1325, and a war has just erupted between Modena and Bologna, two rivaling city- states in Northern Italy. Why are they fighting? Because of a bucket. Yes, a fucking bucket. You see, a group of drunk soldiers from Modena snuck into Bologna one night and stole the water bucket from the town well. And, well, the Bolognese people weren’t about living a no-bucket life, so the war was fucking on.
All in all, “The Battle of Zappolino” — also known as “The War of the Bucket” — saw bloodshed of about 4,000 men. Making it actually one of the largest battles of the Medieval Era. And you thought your silly fights got serious… pfft. Did anybody die? Nope. So relax, your fights are basic.
However, much like the asinine arguments you have with your boyfriend or girlfriend, the bucket-stealing incident was simply the final straw and culmination of years of hostility and annoyance. So, the next time your boyfriend or girlfriend picks a stupid fight with you, try to understand it’s most likely the apex of their annoyance about something else you’ve been doing for some time. Like, always making them sleep in the wet spot after your sloppy, post-argument, make-up sex. That’s such a jerk move. You should definitely be taking turns snoozing in the postcoital puddle — or at least rock-paper-scissors for it… best out of three.
MAKE HIM WORK FOR IT
Vaginas are powerful. Let’s be honest, women are basically walking around with an atomic bomb between their legs. And with that kind of power comes the ability to command absolute fear, respect, and devotion. Like Queen Njinga (alternate spelling, “Nzinga”) of Angola did during her African reign in the 1600s. Her story begins during the height of the Portuguese slave trade.
Shortly after the death of her father, King Kiluanji, in 1618, her brother took to the throne, but his lack of leadership skills quickly became apparent. So, he simply gave up. He committed suicide in 1626, allowing the Portuguese to essentially do whatever the fuck they wanted with the Angolan population. And, well, Njinga wasn’t about that life. So she took control, assumed the throne, and began her retaliation against the Portuguese. Her ruthlessly independent nature made her a brilliant military leader as she organized several guerrilla armies to defend her people. Her independent spirit also meant that instead of finding a man to become the new king, she simply took on the role herself, requiring that she be referred to as a “king” rather than “queen.” And, like most kings did back then, she amassed herself a large harem: Hundreds of male concubines kept around solely for her sexual pleasure.
Now, you wouldn’t expect a woman of her status to let just any dude wet his willy with her, would you? Of course not. So in order to find the right guy for the night, she’d choose two and watch them fight to the death. The winner earned the honor of her royal attention. Then, in order to prevent him from getting too clingy, she’d have him killed the following morning. (Damn, not even breakfast or coffee. Harsh.) The pattern continued for nearly 40 years — fighting the Portuguese by day, watching dudes fight to have sex with her by night. Her life was like one of those sexy, violent Rihanna music videos.
Now, ladies, your vagina is kind of a big deal. I’m not saying you should make guys fight to the death for it, but you should definitely make them work a little. I don’t know, maybe something involving karate, or better yet, a fucking career.
PET PARENTING 101
Sure, you can call yourself a “dog mom” or a “cat daddy,” but the truth is, you’re not a fucking parent — you’re a kidnapper, and pets are the ultimate example of Stockholm syndrome. (If you don’t know what that is, quickly Google it so we can get on with learning.)
I mean, when has your dog ever complained about where you live? Not once. You just randomly brought him home one day like, “Hey, welcome to your new home,” and never has he said shit about your dirty laundry, wine-stained carpet, or poorly assembled IKEA furniture set. He simply accepted his new life with a good attitude and a happy tail. So, the way I see it, there’s no such thing as taking it too far when it comes to being a good parent to your pets. I say, buy them cute clothes, throw them birthday parties, and treat them like a member of the fucking family. That’s the least you can do after kidnapping them from their real mom. Just don’t do what Mary Toft did… she was fucking crazy.
In 1726, the seemingly normal resident of Surrey, England, took the pet-parenting thing a little too far. You see, Mary Toft had such a weird- ass obsession with rabbits, she would actually stuff bunnies up her vagina and pretend to give birth to them. Literally trying to be their mom. (And you thought visiting your gynecologist was uncomfortable.) She even performed this feat in front of doctors, convincing them she was a legit bunny-birther. In fact, medical professionals began to attribute her miraculous conceptions to “maternal impression” — the belief that dreams and obsession could lead to physical changes within a mother’s womb. After several doctors vouched for the validity of her story, she became an overnight celebrity and even caught the attention of the British royal family.
She carried on her hare hoax for months, giving birth to at least 15 bunnies during this time. It wasn’t until a politician put her claims under intense investigation that she finally confessed to what she was doing. (Oh, I forgot to tell you, Mary was married this entire time. It was actually her husband who was buying all the bunnies for her to “birth.”)