Huh, suddenly becoming a crazy cat lady doesn’t seem so crazy, does it?
SQUAD GOALS
A girl squad is like a flock of birds: If you spook one, you spook ‘em all. Basically, if you’re dating one of them, you’re pretty much dating all of them. Because every fight, every picture, every text — EVERYTHING you do (or do not do) — will become subject to the squad’s ridicule, investigation, and approval. But it’s not all bad. If you’re a decent guy, your girlfriend’s squad might actually be your greatest asset. If they like you, your girlfriend’s friends will be your strongest advocates during those times when your girlfriend completely loses her fucking mind. Girls trust the shit out of their friends, and that’s why girl squads exist.
Even great queens throughout history have relied on their squad to approve of potential suitors. Don’t believe me? Let’s learn more: Catherine the Great ruled Russia from 1762 until 1796, making her the longest running female leader in Russia’s history. She was smart, savvy, sophisticated, and goddamn fierce. Under her rule and military command, Russia was established as a dominant power. (You’re welcome, Russia. A lady did that. Now cheer the fuck up.) Anyway, you’d think a woman as powerful and smart as Catherine wouldn’t need girlfriends for advice, right? Wrong. Catherine was a sex fiend. I’m talking freaky-deaky shit, but because of her position and reputation, she couldn’t go around fucking just anybody — she was the Empress of Russia for God’s sake. So, she enlisted the help of her squad.
In order to get to Catherine, you had to go through them. Literally. If Catherine thought you were hot, she’d ask you to sleep with a member of her squad first to make sure you were able to satisfy her own royal thirst. If you came up short, it was mission abort, and Catherine was on to the next one. (Damn, at least with a dick pic you get a few moments to explain yourself.)
Now, guys, I know it’s a pain in the ass, but learn to play nice with your girlfriend’s friends — you never know when you might need them on your side. Yes, even Ashley. (I know, I don’t get it either. Ashley’s a fucking mess… nobody should be taking advice from her.)
FEMALE FEROCITY
Take no shit. If somebody wrongs you, don’t just sit back and let it happen. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you continually roll over, they’ll continue to roll over top of you like a truck. Whether it’s work, a relationship, or simply your everyday life — if somebody doesn’t treat you right, do something about it. Now, as a female, you’ll probably be called a “bitch” every time you defend yourself, but guess what, it’s better to be a bitch than a victim. So stick up for yourself and don’t be afraid to get a little crazy — be like Hannah Duston.
Born in 1657, Hannah grew up in Massachusetts, where she lived a rather calm life until the year 1697. That year, the mother of nine was kidnapped by a group of raiding Abenaki during King William’s War. But, this wasn’t just your typical “Hey, check out my van” kind of kidnapping. This kidnapping was straight Eli Roth shit. Because not only did they burn Hannah’s house down so her family had nowhere to hide, they also killed her newborn child right in front of her. All in all, around 27 colonists were axed, and 13 more taken captive during the one-night free-for-all. Granted, we know the early colonists did some pretty fucked-up shit and probably had this coming, but what Hannah did next is still impressive.
You see, Hannah wasn’t about to just sit back and let them get away with all this. Hannah, like most moms, was a fighter. So that’s what she did: fought. After days of being forced to march through the snow, she seized an opportunity to shake shit up as her captors were sleeping. What exactly did she do? Well, she escaped her restraints, got ahold of an axe, and FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT — single-handedly killing 10 warriors, and sending the others running for the hills — you know, like your last boyfriend ran from the truth and responsibilities.
Now, if Hannah’s not the definition of a “bad bitch,” I honestly don’t know what is. Following her rampage, she then helped the other captives escape and led them to a farmhouse, where they were able to seek shelter until they had the strength to make the 30-mile trek back home. (Talk about a shitty camping trip.)
So, the next time somebody wrongs you, don’t be afraid to harness your inner Mrs. Duston and go absolutely apeshit. Also, this story proves something I was once told by a good friend: “Postpartum hormones are nothing to fuck with.”
NACHO DADDY
Maybe your current girlfriend gave you the kick in the ass you needed to pursue a new job, maybe she provided you with the tough love you needed to stop being such a piece of shit, or maybe she’s just really good at building up your manhood and making you believe your dick is bigger than it is — ultimately, leading to a better sex life. My point: A lot of good things in life wouldn’t happen without men receiving the proper motivation (or inspiration) from their girlfriend, wife, and other women in their lives. And, here’s fucking proof.
The year was 1943, and a young maître d’ named Ignacio Anaya had no idea he was about to change history when a group of hungry, demanding military wives from Fort Duncan entered his restaurant in Piedras Negras, Mexico. What exactly happened? Well, on that particular day at the Victory Club, the chef was nowhere to be found. So, Ignacio, immediately recognizing how fucking dangerous a group of hungry women could be, knew that only he could prevent impending disaster. Not being one to shy away from a challenge, he stepped up to the plate.
He went into the back kitchen, found some tortilla chips, found some cheese, sliced some jalapeños, stacked everything together, threw it in an oven — and just like that — he became the father of nachos. Yep, it was that easy. Why the name nachos? Equally as easy: “Nacho” was Ignacio’s nickname. (But after all this, I like to think women began calling him “Nacho Daddy.” Something like, “Yeah… Yeah… Put your cheese right there, Nacho Daddy.”)
I, for one, could not be more grateful for what these women inspired Ignacio to accomplish on that day, because I’ve never seen a nacho plate I didn’t want to impregnate. Anyway, word of his creation eventually snuck across the border to Texas, where it quickly became a baseball stadium staple (you see, immigration is a good thing). Now, who knows, had it not been for those hungry women, mankind may have never invented nachos. We’d all be eating celery like a bunch of fucking idiots.
So, ladies, the next time you’re hungry and giving your boyfriend attitude, let him know you’re just trying to motivate him to actually do something with his fucking life — like Ignacio did when he fathered nachos.
THE PIRATE QUEEN
Traveling, drinking, fighting, and prostitution — just another day in the life of infamous Chinese pirate Captain Cheng I. (Let’s not get into the differences of Cantonese and other Chinese dialects; I’m dramatically simplifying these names down for you.)
You see, Cheng commanded one of the largest documented pirate fleets in history, ransacking much of the South China Sea he called home. But, even Cheng wanted more from life, so in 1801, he married a prostitute who went by the name “Cheng I Sao.” Basically, “Wife of Cheng.” Not only was she fucking gorgeous, she was also equally as good at handling a sword as she was at handling a dick. Oh, and she was EXTREMELY business savvy. Together, the husband-and-wife team pillaged and plundered for six years. Expanding their joint empire until the year 1807, the year Captain Cheng died.