Was this the end of their pirate dynasty? Nope, it was only the beginning. Cheng I Sao assumed the leadership role and picked up right where her husband had left off. Only now, she was going by the name “Ching Shih” because she was no longer somebody’s wife.
Ching Shih continued to build her empire with brute force and sharp wit. She also played dudes like the dumbasses they are when around an attractive woman. (You know, like smart bartenders and servers do.) And, within a few years, Ching Shih became the most powerful pirate in history — controlling more than 1,500 ships and a crew of 80,000 men.
She was like Beyoncé, but with street cred and more boats. In fact, she was so smart and so powerful that the Chinese government eventually gave up trying to defeat her. In 1810, the government offered her complete amnesty if she would simply retire. So, she did. As part of the deal, she was allowed to keep all her money, all her fame, and all her power. (Remember what I said earlier about her savvy business sense?)
After retiring, Madame Ching opened a gambling house and just chilled until 1844, dying at the age of 69 as a grandmother and certified badass.
Anyway, remember this story the next time a guy tells you, “It’s a man’s world.”
HELL IN HEELS
You like scary stories? Good, me too. Allow me to share one of my favorites with you. Are we going to talk about ghosts? Nope. The Loch Ness Monster? Thought about it, but couldn’t find any trustworthy sources. Children? Definitely creepy, but that’s a lesson for another day. I know what you’re thinking, “Captain, what could possibly be scarier than ghosts, the Loch Ness Monster, and children?” Well, I’m about to tell you: feet. Yep, the hand’s awkward stepsister. Thank God you can hide (or at least accentuate) those disgusting ankle abominations with socks, footed pajamas, rollerblades, and most importantly, shoes. In particular: high heels.
Stilettos, peep toes, ankle straps, sling backs — it doesn’t matter to me — I support that life, and any other shopping addiction that helps you hide your fucking toes. Hell, I don’t even mind seeing a guy wearing heels. In fact, I might even throw a compliment or two his way, “Sweet calves, bro.” A calf compliment is rather appropriate because calves (and other cattle) fit seamlessly into this high-heeled tale I’m about to tell you.
Why? Because high heels were originally invented by Egyptian butchers to keep their feet clean as they walked through the blood pools of slaughtered beasts. Yes, long before heels were being worn by drunk girls stumbling through piles of club confetti, Egyptians were wearing them to power walk through blood and guts. This backstory might explain why your girlfriend often feels the need to use her shoes as a weapon. It also doesn’t hurt that the word “stiletto” is taken from a style of knife blade made popular in Italy during the Middle Ages.
Huh, so high heels were invented by butchers, and later named after a fucking weapon? Suddenly everything’s starting to make sense.
Dating back to 3500 B.C. (some records indicate as early as 4000 B.C.), the original Egyptian heels were more reminiscent of the modern-day wedge. The more traditional version of high heels were first worn by Mongolian horsemen, and later, cavalry riders during the Middle Ages because the heels helped them secure their feet into the stirrups (kind of like cowboy boots). Imagine that, Genghis Khan, one of the most ruthless motherfuckers of all time, riding into your town wearing some red bottoms. Even if he decided not to burn down your village, his smoldering hot sense of fashion would certainly have been enough to start a fire.
Anyway, royalty (a.k.a. “old-timey celebrities”) eventually started wearing heels as a fashion statement. And the rest is, well, fucking history…
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© 2016 Rum Tongue Media Inc. All rights reserved.
ISBN-10: 0-692-79536-7 • ISBN-13: 978-0-692-79536-1