The history of RBF is firmly rooted in honor, attraction, and self-respect. You see, throughout history, self-respect has always been closely related to smiling (or the lack thereof). Aside from the obscenely long exposure times required for old photography to work properly, you don’t often see people smiling in old photos or paintings as it was considered foolish to pose with a smile on your face. Because, well, it was probably fake. To smile for a portrait was not an accurate depiction of emotion. You were smiling just to smile, not because you were genuinely happy. You know, like when you fake a smile for your boss in order to conceal your complete mental breakdown.
In fact, it was Mark Twain (perhaps you’ve heard of him) who said, “A photograph is a most important document, and there is nothing more damning to go down to posterity than a silly, foolish smile caught and fixed forever.” In my opinion, no truer words have ever been spoken.
Except maybe the infamous TLC line, “Don’t go chasing waterfalls.” Which, oddly enough, is also a statement concerning self-respect. Huh, weird.
Now, the next time someone asks you why you don’t smile in photos, you have some history to school them with that supports your decision. Tell them you’re doing it for your posterity.
TWO’S A COUPLE, THREE’S A CROWD
The ultimate goal of dating: Finding your equal. Someone equally as fun, equally as cool, or simply, equally as fucked up as yourself. And, every now and then, you encounter a couple that has successfully done this. These couples give you hope. Hope that you might also one day find a counterpart. Not to mention, couples that successfully find their equal are usually “the cool couple.” So even your single friends will be happy for you because you’re still fun to hang out with since you don’t have to change who you are to be around your friends and your boyfriend/ girlfriend at the same time.
Now, no matter how unappealing you think a certain aspect of yourself might be, there’s no need to change it. Trust me, there’s someone out there — just like you — who will dig that part of your character. Let’s discuss this further with a historical example.
In 1860, on the French Caribbean island of Martinique, Blanche Dumas was born with a condition known as Tripedalism (three legs), as well as a condition known as Uterus Didelphys (double sex organs). Which means, you guessed it, two vaginas. (And here you are, worried about your thigh gap with just one vagina. Shit, you have it easy.) Now, you’d think with her condition she was doomed to be alone, right? Wrong. Enter Juan Baptista dos Santos from Portugal (born 1843), who, guess what, also happened to have been born with Tripedalism AND Diphallia (three legs, two dicks). I’m not making this shit up, you can Google it, but I don’t recommend it.
Well, after Blanche and Juan learned about each other through the local freak show circuit, the two obviously had to meet. Basically, one was peanut butter, the other was jelly, and together, they made one hell of a freaky fucking sandwich. It’s unknown how long the romance lasted, but it goes to show you, there’s somebody out there for everyone.
Stop changing yourself for the people you date, because there really is someone out there who will dig everything about you — even an extra leg. And for those of you who have found that person, be glad you met online and not at a local freak show. (Although, freak shows tend to have fewer weirdos.)
STAGE FRIGHT, DIVORCE FIGHT
If it seems like marriage isn’t taken seriously these days, that’s because it’s not. But during the Middle Ages, marriage was ABSOLUTELY serious shit. When you said, “till death do us part,” it really meant till fucking death. If you wanted out of a marriage, you pretty much had to wait for your spouse to die, or handle your shit and kill them yourself. Divorce simply wasn’t an option.
Plain and simple, if you didn’t like the way your husband treated you, you had to poison that fucker’s food. I know this sounds morbid, but during this time period, we’re talking about a lot of arranged, underage marriages put in place for political motives, and/or creepy, brother-sister marriages set up in order to maintain the family bloodline. These marriages were fucking hell, and the women were fucking miserable because the Catholic Church simply wouldn’t allow for divorce. Basically, your life was over if your uncle’s 57-year-old friend wanted to marry you and your dad decided it would be good for the family.
But, this all changed in mid 16th-century France with the introduction of the French Impotence Courts. Finally, women had a way out. If you could prove your husband’s dick was as limp as hot spaghetti, the church would grant you a divorce. How would a woman prove this? Easy. She’d bring that freckly, old fuck before a judiciary panel and they’d watch him jerk off — and if he couldn’t do it — she was free to begin her new life as a single lady. “Oh my God, look who’s single again — you are!”
Let’s think about this for a minute though. As a dude, this would totally fucking suck, because “stage fright” is a very real thing. Realizing this, the French added a second part to the impotence proceedings. If the husband — a.k.a. “the owner of the broken dick in question” — wanted help to prove the fact that his junk actually worked, he could request his wife take part in the act as well. The panel would assume their position, accused husband and angry wife would assume theirs, and that was that. Time to lay some butter on that bread and see who’s lying.
So, the next time you think the world we live in today is sick and wrong, think about this: At least you can end a marriage without answering the bone phone in front of a judge.
MEOWLESS AND BROWLESS
You think you love your cat? Wrong. You might “like” your cat, but you definitely don’t love it — at least not as much as the Ancient Egyptians loved theirs. Seriously, the Egyptians fucking LOVED cats. They liked dogs too, but cats were the real deal. They adorned their cats with jewels, fed them as royalty, and treated them better than most people — like you probably do — because lots of people suck.
Personally, I think cats are fucking weird; they freak me out. When a cat looks at you, it could be thinking about cuddling up under your arm, or eating your face while you sleep. That’s how unpredictable they are. And, that unpredictability is probably what made the Egyptians love them so much, because the Ancient Egyptians themselves were fucking psychos. But, Egyptian torture techniques are a topic for another day. Back to the kitty cats… okay, maybe just one: The Egyptians used to strip people naked, cover them in milk and honey, tie them between two boats floating in stagnant water, and simply leave. Use your imagination. HINT: Lots of hungry-ass bugs live around stagnant water, and hungry-ass bugs love milk, honey, and holes — almost as much as the Egyptians loved their cats.
Obviously, when a cat died, the Egyptians were fucking devastated. And they chose to mourn their loss very publicly. First, they would shave off their eyebrows to symbolize the loss of their furry pet. When the meows go, the brows go. That’s just the Egyptian way. The cat was then mummified and placed into the family tomb. The grieving period lasted until your eyebrows grew back. (Which takes fucking FOREVER, by the way.)