Damn, the Egyptians make your weak-ass social media posts about how much you love your pet look pretty lame. All I’m trying to say is: If you really love your cat, you’ll shave off your eyebrows when the unfortunate day comes. I mean, it’s not like I’m suggesting anything too crazy — you already look like you don’t have eyebrows when you take off your makeup anyway.
A CATFISH CRUSADE
“Catfishing,” it’s nothing new. Sure, the internet made it easier, online dating made it extremely prevalent, and some network even made a TV show, but catfishing has been around for thousands of years. Let’s go back to a time when two major forces — the Persians and the Egyptians — ruled much of the civilized world to learn more about how it all began.
In an effort to keep peace between the two kingdoms, the Persian Emperor, Cambyses II, asked Pharaoh Amasis II to arrange the marriage of himself to the pharaoh’s daughter. But, Amasis knew if he did this, his daughter would be treated as simply another notch in Cambyses’ belt rather than an actual wife. Cambyses didn’t exactly have a reputation as a respectful dude. In fact, he was known as quite the womanizing douche. So, Amasis sent a pharaoh’s daughter — just not his daughter. Instead, he sent the daughter of his predecessor, the deceased Pharaoh Apries. Thus, the first recorded catfish in history was underway. The year was approximately 526 B.C. (You see, catfishing has been around for-fucking-ever.)
When Cambyses realized he’d been deceived, he was furious and immediately declared war on the Egyptian kingdom. Now, things didn’t exactly happen as quickly back then as they do today, so by the time Cambyses had gathered his forces and made the trek to Egypt, Pharaoh Amasis was already dead. It was now the duty of Amasis’ son, Pharaoh Psametik III, to defend against Cambyses’ Catfish Crusade of 525 B.C. — otherwise known as “The Battle of Pelusium.”
So, just how does one go about seeking revenge after being catfished? Well, with a cat fight of course. No, really, the reason Cambyses took so long to organize his retaliation was because he needed to collect a shitload of cats. He knew the Egyptians worshipped cats (we just discussed this), so Cambyses had his army use cats as shields. His men literally marched into battle carrying cats. And, fearful of harming the very animals that represented their Goddess Bastet, the Egyptians refused to fire arrows or throw spears at the Persian invaders. Which, of course, led to an absolute fucking slaughter and decisive Persian victory. (Seriously, why are cat people so fucking weird?)
Now, after you text your friend about the history lesson you just learned, get off your phone. For real, stop using your phone — or your cat — as a shield to avoid human interaction. Go the fuck outside.
APPLE ALLURE
Okay, there’s no point in beating around the bushel, so we’re going to get right into this one. Back in 19th-century Austria, women used to place an apple slice in their armpit before taking to the dance floor. (Why the armpit? Well, because it’s within easy reach, and also because a dress with pockets looks fucking homely.) The lady would keep her apple slice warm as she danced the night away with a multitude of male suitors. When the music stopped and the night was over, she’d present her sweaty pit fruit to whichever man she was interested in further pursuing. This is where it gets really fucking weird, because if the guy shared her interest, he’d eat her salty slice. Thus, signifying he was into her.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I would never eat someone’s hot fruit on a first date — that’s some third-, fourth-, or maybe even fifth-date kind of shit. However, I do respect the talent it must have required to keep an apple slice from falling out of your armpit while you twerk the night away. Shit, these women might as well have put some flour and an egg in their armpit along with that apple — while they heated things up on the dance floor, their body could have heated up an apple pie. “Impressive multi-tasking, Elizabeth.”
There’s actually a lot we can learn from this apple tradition; it might even be worth bringing back. Like my grandma always said, “The fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” I mean, not only is this technique a great way to offer the hungry, drunk guy a snack after he’s finished dry humping your leg, it’s clearly an even better way to gauge his level of interest in you. Because if a dude is willing to eat something you made with your own sweat and body heat, he really likes you — maybe even “like-likes” you… keep your fingers crossed.
So, the next time you go out with your girls, leave your purse in the car. Your body has all the curves and snack pockets you need.
SOBRIETY SUCKS
Every girl loves wine. And, that’s cool. It’s good to have a hobby. But, did you know, in Ancient Rome women were forbidden to drink wine? Yeah. For-fucking-bidden — that’s just crazy.
In fact, drinking wine was considered such a serious offense, a man was allowed to divorce his wife if he caught her guzzling the Grigio, chugging the Chianti, swigging the Soave, drinking the… okay, I think you get the point. A housewife drinking wine was what the Romans considered a “major fault.” Drinking wine ranked right up there with adultery because the Romans believed drinking wine led to bad decisions… like adultery. (FYI - The last known Roman divorce on basis of a “wine-o wifey” was sometime during the 2nd century B.C.)
First off, duh, of course drinking wine leads to bad decisions. That’s why drinking wine and other intoxicants is good for you: It helps you learn from your mistakes. Second, fuck the Romans. If they were so worried their wife having a drink would cause her to cheat on them, maybe they should have gotten their priorities in order and stopped being such a fucking dick. And, I don’t know, maybe hit the gym every once in a while. They could have wrestled with some dudes in the courtyard or something to ensure they looked like one of those buff-ass statues all over town. There’s a reason women loved watching the sweaty gladiators kill each other: muscles. You think Hercules had to worry about his lady getting drunk and falling on some other dude’s dick? No, Hercules was buff as hell. He looked like his dad created him using Photoshop and a chisel.
Anyway, just when you thought you knew everything about wine, you just learned something new. I guess even wine snobs can benefit from some history every now and then. You’re welcome. Now, open a bottle, or a box (depends on what your last paycheck looked like) and celebrate your newfound drinking knowledge.
TOO MANY TO NAME
So, just how many dogs is too many? Three? Four? FIVE? For the sake of time, let’s settle on “five.” I mean, sure, by today’s standards, that’s a lot of dogs to own. But when we look back through history, that’s nothing compared to the number of dogs owned by Kublai Khan. However, before we talk about his pups, I want you to learn more about who Kublai Khan was.
From May 5, 1260, to February 18, 1294, Kublai Khan was the Supreme Khan of the Mongols, the first emperor of the Yuan Dynasty, AND the Emperor of China. (Pretty impressive résumé.) Essentially, he was the fucking man. So what does the fucking man do? Well, he owns a lot of fucking dogs. How many? Five thousand. Yeah, you read that right, Khan owned FIVE THOUSAND mastiffs. Seriously, take a moment to imagine what a pack of 5,000 dogs looks like… I don’t know how you’re picturing it, but for me, I imagine looking at a pack of 5,000 dogs is a lot like looking at a bathtub filled with 5,000 bags of M&M’s: You know it’s a bad idea, but for some reason, you still want ‘em all.