Now, if Khan had owned 5,000 cats, it wouldn’t have been nearly as impressive or intimidating. It would have completely changed the way his rivals viewed him. Instead of looking like a badass, he’d look like a crazy, lonely weirdo. Basically, what I’m saying is: If you know you’re doomed to be single your entire life, don’t banish yourself to the life of a crazy cat lady. Instead, be a damn cool dog owner. With a lot of dogs, people won’t even feel sorry for you. They’ll just be like, “Damn, what a badass.” And, instead of looking like you belong on one of those TV shows about hoarding, you’ll look like someone who’s anything but boring.
What are you waiting for? Go fill the backseat of your car with beef jerky, drive slowly around town with the doors open, and start collecting strays — because it’s going to take you a while to get to 5,000 and become Kublai Khan-level cool.
BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN
Did you know the blonde allele is so recessive and rare that only two percent of the world’s population has naturally blonde hair? Well, it’s true. So throughout the years, those outside of the allele in-crowd, have tried some pretty weird shit in pursuit of golden locks. Back in the day, you couldn’t exactly walk to the store and buy an eight-dollar box of do-it- yourself bullshit. Really, eight dollars? C’mon, of course that product is garbage. If you’re trying to go blonde, put up the money to have it done by a professional. You’ll be glad you did when you end up looking like an ice princess instead of the fucking pumpkin that was used to make Cinderella’s carriage. It’s your choice: Do you want to be a princess, or do you want to be a Halloween decoration? While you think about that, let’s discuss some old-timey hair dying techniques.
In Ancient Rome, women attained the golden glow with the use of pigeon shit. In Renaissance Venice, they used horse urine. Why? Well, like most permanent hair dye, both of these items contain ammonia. Now, I’m not exactly sure how effective these organic products were (or still are), but what could possibly be more enjoyable than washing your hair with animal excrement? These blondes really were having more fun. And if they weren’t, at least their beauty products were made by animals instead of being tested on animals — right?
Speaking of blondes having more fun, in Ancient Greece, prostitutes were easy to spot because they usually wore blonde wigs. I guess you could say those blondes were also having more “fun.”
Anyway, don’t let anyone tell you that you’re a dumb blonde anymore, because you just learned some blonde history. You’re welcome.
LEAVE AN IMPRESSION
To further elaborate on the brief mention of Greek prostitution in the previous lesson — do you really think Cinderella was the first girl to purposely leave something behind in order to get a text back? Nope. People have been using that trick for centuries. In fact, the prostitutes of Ancient Greece had the art of the leave-behind mastered. They would walk around wearing sandals with the phrase “ΑΚΟΛΟΥΘΕΙ” imprinted on the soles. Translation? “Follow me.”
As they walked, this message was left behind in the sand for horny Greco- Roman guys. The prostitutes were literally leaving a trail of grammar breadcrumbs that, if followed, led to an expensive good time. (NOTE: Paying for sex is probably the only way a dude wearing flip-flops will ever get laid. So of course prostitution was popular in Greece, every guy was constantly wearing a toga and sandals.)
So, how does this all apply to you? Simple. Leaving shit behind is a solid dating strategy.
Now, it’s worth mentioning, single parents have a major advantage at this game. Because I guarantee, if you leave a kid behind after a first date, you’ll definitely be getting a text back to come get him or her — quickly. Hell, you can even use your kid to break the ice with new people as well. It happens like this: You sit down next to an attractive guy or gal at your favorite restaurant, you fake like you’re getting an important phone call, then you go outside to “hear better.” You casually walk towards your car like you forgot your child and wait for your target to take the bait.
“Oh my God, thank you so much. I can’t believe I left my kid behind. I could sure use someone like you in my life. Wanna date?” Yeah, it’s that fucking easy.
Don’t have kids? Don’t worry. If you’re creative enough, you can think of a leave-behind equally as effective as a human child. Trust me, I do it all the time. And, “No,” leaving your phone number on the receipt at brunch this weekend in hopes of your server calling you is not a smooth move. Leave something they will actually remember — like a puppy, or your fucking pants.
PIGGYBACKS SAVE LIVES
You haven’t truly lived until you’ve given a really drunk person a piggyback. Especially if you’re equally as drunk yourself. Because nothing will bring you closer as friends, or strengthen your relationship more than stumbling around city streets together like conjoined, drunk idiots — too dumb to request a car, too drunk to give a fuck. Seriously, a good piggyback can be a lifesaver, both figuratively and literally. Figuratively, in the sense that you don’t want to scuff the new Louboutins you just spent half of your paycheck on; and literally, like what the men of Weinsberg, Germany, experienced during King Conrad III’s siege on their castle.
You see, King Conrad was not a patient man — and on one particular day in 1140 — he’d grown tired of his failed attempts to take Weinsberg Castle. So, rather than continue fighting and failing, he offered the castle inhabitants a deaclass="underline" Stop resisting and he’d allow all the women to go free, along with whatever valuables they could carry on their backs. As for the men, they were fucked. He would behead them all. Well, as any man should do in order to protect his wife, all of the men agreed to the deal and stopped fighting — sacrificing themselves and accepting their fate as dead men. (To their wives, I like to imagine they all looked like Channing Tatum during this moment: Just super noble and handsome.)
Now, here’s where the story gets good. Adhering to the king’s offer, the women loaded up their backs with their most-prized possessions: their husbands. I’m sure a few women opted to leave theirs behind, but for the most part, each woman carried her man out of the castle. Piggybacking them to safety. Damn, those are some tough chicks. They didn’t even have CrossFit back then. Anyway, when the king’s troops saw what was happening, they were fucking furious. But, King Conrad was quite amused with the cleverness the women showed. So he replied to his troops, “A king should always stand by his word.” And, he did, allowing all of the men and women of Weinsberg Castle to live.
After this event, the women of Weinsberg became known as “Treue Weiber,” meaning “loyal women.” And, the castle grounds were later renamed to “Weibertreu.”
Well, there you have it, dudes. Treat your ladies right. You never know when you might need her to carry your dumb ass to safety. Or, at least help you onto the couch when you’ve had too much to drink.
TEMPER TANTRUMS
Now, there’s “overreacting,” and then there’s OVER-FUCKING-REACTING. You all know what I’m talking about. Overreacting can simply be defined as “going too far.” For girls, it’s the difference between telling your boyfriend to fuck off, and using scissors to actually cut the words “fuck” and “off” into all of his favorite t-shirts. (Funny, but depending on what he actually did, you might be going too far.) For guys, it’s the difference between being slightly annoyed that your girlfriend still talks to her ex, and telling her if she doesn’t delete her account or block him immediately — you’re done. Relax, dude. In the age of the internet and social media, nobody is able to completely disconnect from an ex unless they move to North Korea or go to prison. Just accept the fact that you’re not the only guy on the planet and stop acting like a petty dumbass.