“I know. I’m sorry.”
“Do the two of you not get along?” Stride asked. “I can find someone else to go with you if that’s the problem.”
“No, no, I like him a lot! I don’t want him in trouble. This was my fault.”
“Then let him do his job.”
“And what about Wyatt?” Cat asked.
“I’ve asked Guppo to find out whatever he can about him, but like Brayden says, there doesn’t seem to be much that’s suspicious in his past. But we’ll keep looking. If we find anything that would give us cause to get a search warrant, we’ll go into his apartment. With the photos there, we’d be able to get a restraining order to keep him away from you. Maybe more. If there’s evidence that he broke the law, we’ll charge him.”
“Like that’ll stop him,” Cat said, rolling her eyes.
“I know it doesn’t seem like much. I wish the law worked better in these situations, but it doesn’t. In the end, most of these people aren’t actually dangerous, just confused, but we’re not going to take any chances.”
Cat shook her head. “Wyatt thinks he’s in love with me, Stride. He’s obsessed. You saw the note. You saw what he did to my car. Those pictures? He’s been following me for weeks. He freaks me out.”
“Believe me, I’m worried, too.”
The girl got up again, and this time she pulled down the shades on all of the windows. “I hate living like this. He makes me feel like a prisoner in my own house.”
“It won’t be forever.”
“Yeah. I know. But it never ends with me.”
“Do you want me to stay with you for a while?”
She shook her head. “No. That’s okay.”
“Try to get some sleep.”
Stride turned to leave, but Cat called after him. “Hey, Stride? Actually, can I ask you something before you go?”
“Sure. What is it?”
“Everything’s been about me lately, but I know things are going on with you, too. I don’t want you thinking I don’t care. What’s all this stuff about a body at Dr. Steve’s place? And about you getting suspended from the police?”
“You don’t need to worry about that,” Stride assured her. “It’s my problem, not yours.”
He saw her face flush with anger. She crossed her arms tightly over her chest. “That’s a terrible answer.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, why do you shut me out like that? You do it to Serena, too.”
Stride didn’t know what to say. “Force of habit, I guess.”
“I hate that you do that.”
“I’m sorry, Cat.”
“I know I’ll always be a stupid little knocked up hooker to you. But give me some credit for growing up. I’m not the girl I used to be.”
He was genuinely shocked to hear her say that. “I never thought that about you, Catalina. Not ever.”
Cat got off the bed and marched up to him. “Then talk to me! Come on, Stride. Talk to me like I matter, not like I’m some charity case you dragged from the street. Talk to me like you really need me.”
Stride put his arms around her. “Hey. You know how much I need you.”
Cat held onto him, and they stayed that way a long time. A wave of regret washed over him, because she was right. He was doing to her what he’d done to people throughout his life. He shut them out from who he was. He built a wall to keep them safe. Except the wall wasn’t there to protect anyone else; it was to protect himself.
He was always learning lessons from this girl.
Correction, he thought: Woman.
“Okay,” he said. “You’re right. Let’s talk.”
And he did. They sat down on her bed, and he told her everything, from start to finish. About his relationship with Andrea. About the Deeps. About Ned Baer. About lying to Maggie, about cheating on his wife, about things that had nothing to do with the investigation. He went back to his childhood and talked about people he hadn’t thought about in years. He cried about Steve again. He cried about Cindy again. He opened up his heart and told her things he’d never told anyone else. And when he was done, Cat did what she always did. She cut like a surgeon through everything that didn’t matter and went straight to what he was really hiding.
“You don’t want to be a cop anymore, do you?” she asked, her eyes wide. “Is that what this is all about?”
He took a long, slow breath. The question was very simple and not simple at all. “Honestly? I don’t know.”
“You had to kill someone this year. Is it because of that?”
“Partly. It’s about a lot of things. It’s been gathering for a while, ever since the marathon bombing. And it’s not like I have a plan to do anything, Cat. This is just something rolling around in my head. I guess being suspended didn’t bother me like I assumed it would. The idea of being outside the police was always impossible for me to think about. Now here I am, and I realize it almost feels like a relief.”
“Does Serena know?”
“Not yet.”
“What would you do if you didn’t go back?”
“I have no idea. I may feel differently about it tomorrow.”
Cat leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Thank you for telling me.”
“Thank you. I feel better talking about it.”
“You make me feel special when you open up to me,” she said.
“Well, you are special.”
“I’m sorry for yelling,” she added.
“Don’t worry about it. Sometimes that’s what it takes to get through to me.”
“I meant what I said. I’m older now. I’m not a kid.”
“I know that.”
She looked down uncomfortably at her lap, and her voice took on a whole different cast. “I love you, you know. I always have.”
Stride knew what she was saying. Her meaning was very clear.
He felt the delicacy of this moment, which as fragile as old china. He knew how easily he could hurt her, how profoundly he could damage their relationship if he patronized her or simply pretended that she meant something other than what she did. He had never been under any illusions about Cat and the sexuality hiding behind her feelings. That was part of who she was. When she’d first come into his house two years earlier, she’d made a clumsy attempt to seduce him, and after he shut her down, she’d never done anything like that again. But her feelings for him were still jumbled and confused by everything she’d been through in her life.
He took her chin and lifted it up so that she had to look into his eyes, which she didn’t want to do. Her expression was full of shame. She was already regretting what she’d said, as if she wanted to squeeze the genie back in the bottle.
“Do you know who I love?” he asked her.
“Serena,” she said.
“That’s right. I love Serena. But that’s not to say I don’t love you, too. It’s in a different way, but every bit as deep. You know that. You’re like a daughter to me, and I never thought I’d be lucky enough to know what that felt like.”
Cat nodded, biting her lip. She scooted away from him and wiped her face. “I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. You were being honest.”
“I hope somebody loves me like you love her. Someday.”
“Believe me,” he told her. “Somebody will.”
Stride very rarely got drunk, but that night, he decided that he wanted to get drunk. He took two six-packs of Bent Paddle onto the screened porch at the back of his cottage, and he sat on the old sofa and stared out at the darkness. The lake roared at him from behind the dunes, like an invitation to come to the beach, but he didn’t even have the energy to walk outside and climb over the sand. He simply opened the first beer and drank half of it down.