I laughed. ‘Bob, you’re a serial marrier; you’re an automatrimonialist. How about that for a new word? You can’t help it; it’s what you do. That’s what. .’ I had been going to say, ‘. . made you a soft touch for her,’ but that might have ruined the moment.
‘Never again,’ he declared. ‘Seriously though. What should I do? Tell me. I’ll make allowances for your natural bias, I promise.’
‘Don’t let it fester, that’s all I can say; we did, and that was wrong. Clearly, you’ve got a problem. You have to face up to it, both of you. But whatever you do you, big boy, have to be able to look me in the eye afterwards and make me believe it was worthy of you.’
‘What if Aileen comes back from Glasgow tonight,’ he asked, ‘and tells me that I was right and she was wrong and she’s withdrawing support from the police bill? Will we have a problem then?’
I frowned at him. ‘Will she say that before or after she tells you that she’s pregnant by the Holy Spirit?’
He chuckled. ‘Sure, I know it’s that unlikely. . but what if?’
‘Then she’ll have compromised her principles. How will that make you feel? Are you gonna admire her for her courage or think less of her for her weakness?’ I put my hand on his cheek and made him look at me.
‘Bob, my darling,’ I said, ‘you’re asking me questions that only you can answer. All I can tell you is what I see in you, now, with the benefit of time apart and a little objectivity. I see a man who’s put so much into his career that he has nothing left for himself. I see a man who’s in a state of complete emotional confusion, because he can’t define his existence outside the police force any longer. You said as much last night.’
‘I suppose I did,’ he conceded. ‘And how long do you think it’s been going on?’
‘Probably since Alex left home; but it’s coming to an end.’
‘What makes you a psychology expert?’ he asked, but lightly, not challenging me.
‘I’m a Bob Skinner expert, that’s all; number one in my field.’
‘You’d rank yourself above Alex, would you?’
‘Yes, because she’s too close. I’m standing a little further back than I used to, so I can see you better.’
‘If you’re right,’ he ventured, ‘given your diagnosis, without treatment what’s the prognosis?’
‘You crash and burn as a husband. That’s happening already. Then it begins to affect your judgement and you’re no longer the cop you were either. You probably still function in the job, but you become what you’ve never wanted to be, a wholesale delegator, like Jimmy Proud, but without his skill and subtlety. Effectively, you let Maggie and Mario lead the force, and you push paper around your desk till gold watch time. Then you retire and you have no idea who the hell you are, or what. You pick up a few non-executive directorships, but you don’t contribute much and feel like a prostitute. At home, Mark’s at college, James Andrew’s halfway through high school, and Seonaid. . you still won’t really know who she is. Anyway, by then she’ll be living with me; maybe they all will and you’ll be alone, playing golf obsessively and drinking too much.’
‘Only there won’t be a force for me to have left,’ he pointed out, ‘once this bill goes through, not one that I’ll want any part of.’
‘And that’s what scares you most. That’s what’s brought you to the tipping point, the prospect of losing the only stable part of your existence. She can see that fear, because she isn’t so close to you that she’s blind to it, and she thought she could play on it to make you back the bill.’
He stared at his plate for a while. ‘That’s not the only scary part,’ he whispered. ‘What you said earlier, that future you painted for me. The man you described just now was my father. That’s what he’d become by the time he died. Alex has virtually no memory of him.’
He blinked, hard. ‘So, Doc, what’s the treatment?’
‘The facing of some facts,’ I replied, ‘the main one being that Myra is dead, that she ain’t coming back, and that she was a one-off you can’t use as a template for a living partner. The second is that you are far bigger than any police force, not the other way around. If circumstances make you quit, it’s not the end of your useful life; it may be the beginning. Accept those truths and everything else will work out, for you will be able to see clearly again.’
‘So I should back off from opposing the single force?’ he ventured. ‘Is that what you’re saying?’
‘Hell no! You truly are opposed to it, and you alone can put the case against; nobody else will. You’d hate yourself for ever if you ducked out of that. You’d feel like her fucking lapdog. And by the way, if Aileen did come over to your side, you’d think she was yours.’
He reached out for the orange juice carton a couple of feet away and poured himself some more. ‘Did I really do that to you?’ he asked. ‘Try to turn you into Myra?’
‘Not so much that; you tried to make me live up to her, at least to your vision of her. You may not have realised it, but there wasn’t a single day went by without you talking about her. “There was this time,” you’d begin, or “You know what Myra would have done, don’t you,” as if I possibly could.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, contritely. ‘That must really have pissed you off.’
‘It didn’t until after you were stabbed, and recovered, then you started to reject me, because you had an obsession about her accident not being an accident. I could handle it until then.’
‘Every day?’
I nodded. ‘Every day.’
‘Now that is odd, because I’m sitting here thinking, how often do I mention her to Aileen, and you know what? I don’t believe I do, not ever, not at all. What do you make of that, quack psychologist?’
For a moment I thought he was being sarcastic, but he wasn’t. ‘No,’ I countered. ‘You tell me.’
‘That I can’t see her in the same picture as Myra at all. See, if I did talk about her to you as often as that, I wasn’t comparing you, babe, honest. It was because I had this vision of her being there with us, and looking on, and approving of us. Sometimes I felt her presence, love, I really felt her presence.’ He looked me in the eye. ‘What I’m about to say now, you’ll think is bullshit, but it’s not. That doesn’t happen any more. When I’m in the house with Aileen, in the kitchen or in the garden room or wherever, the only other person I ever think about is you.’
I didn’t know what to make of that one so I didn’t begin to try. Instead I went round to the other side of the bar, to where he sat, gave him a quick hug and told him, ‘You have to be going, honey. Back to our kids.’ I looked up at the kitchen clock: seven twenty five. ‘With a bit of luck, you’ll be there before they’re up and about.’
‘I won’t count on it,’ he said. ‘You know what they’re like when the days are long, like now, especially the wee one.’
‘True. All the more reason to scoot, then.’
‘Yeah.’ He slid off his stool, drew me to him and kissed me. ‘Thanks,’ he whispered.
‘For what?’
He smiled. ‘Dinner,’ he said, ‘and everything that came after it; not least the straight talking. It’s been a while since I let anyone in.’ He paused. ‘And maybe last time I did, I gave away too many secrets.’
I frowned as I looked up at him. ‘Do you have any I don’t know about?’ I asked.
‘One,’ he replied, and a shadow crossed his face. ‘For now I’m keeping it, but I promise I will tell you what it is next time we’re. . like this.’
‘You’re assuming.’
‘I know. . if we’re ever, I should have said.’
I squeezed his butt. ‘That’s all right; you can come back. I’ve never been a mistress before; I think I like it.’
‘Then I really have got some serious thinking to do, but thanks to you, I’m ready for it. Any more heartfelt advice before I go?’
‘Yes,’ I replied, ‘and this is medical. Give up the coffee; it’s the last thing that a man in your emotional state needs. Once you get through withdrawal, you’ll feel a hell of a lot better for it. Do that for us?’
‘Us?’
‘Me and the kids. They don’t need any sort of a junkie dad, and I prefer you straight too.’