But she’s pleased.
Isn’t she?
Well, she’s not actively unhappy.
Is she?
‘Yes, I’ve just said so, haven’t I?’ I smile broadly because engaged women smile all the time and Issie knows that. I order some wine. She fiddles with her napkin. I look at the menu. She doesn’t. I wonder which one of us will change the subject first. Issie and I have only ever been 100 per cent truthful with one another. Except for the occasion when I failed to tell her Josh fancied her. But that was years ago and it worked out for the best. It would be so embarrassing now if they had slept together. Anyway the point is Issie has only ever been 100 per cent truthful with me. I don’t want her to skirt this if she has an issue.
But I’m not keen to confront her brutal integrity just yet.
But I hope to God she doesn’t talk about the weather.
Stay with me, Issie.
‘I’ve got to be honest with you, Cas. I’m shocked.’
‘Why?’ I bluff. But I know why. Why is because I’ve never shown any romantic interest in Josh and I’ve always been actively opposed to marriage.
‘Because you’ve never shown any romantic interest in Josh and you’ve always been actively opposed to marriage.’
I glare at her. The waitress brings Issie her Bloody Mary (which is downed in one) and tells us what the specials are. I get her to repeat it twice. Issie says she’ll have That.’ I ask for ‘the same’. Neither of us has any idea what we’ve ordered.
‘Haven’t you always said Josh would make a great husband?’ I encourage.
‘Yes,’ she admits.
‘Haven’t you always said I should marry? Allow closeness, trust, stop hiding from intimacy?’
‘Yes,’ she admits.
‘So what’s the problem?’
‘I didn’t say I had a problem.’
‘But you so obviously do.’
‘I think you are being defensive. Do you think there’s a problem?’
‘No. I don’t have a problem.’
‘Good.’
‘Yes, it’s good.’
The waitress comes back with the wine, water and bread. I’m delighted and greet her as though she is my long-lost sister. It becomes clear that she’s not going to draw up a chair and join us. I watch her scuttle back to the kitchen, leaving me alone with Issie and her interrogation.
‘What about Darren?’
‘Darren?’ The bread in my mouth won’t be swallowed. I chew and chew but it simply won’t go down. I drink some more water. ‘Darren who?’ won’t wash.
‘Darren taught me a lot.’ I take a deep breath. ‘I owe him a great deal. He opened my eyes to the possibility of intimacy being an option for me.’
‘Don’t speak to me as though I am one of your TV executives,’ she snaps. It’s unlike Issie to be down on me. I think about what I’ve just said. It does sound like pretentious wank. But then I’m new to this game of speaking your heart. I’d always been content with speaking my mind, which is easy in comparison.
‘Darren was important,’ I admit.
‘You fell in love with him.’
I can’t tell Issie the truth. I can’t tell her that marrying Josh is the ultimate armour. She loves Josh as much as she loves me and she wouldn’t forgive me. I have no choice but to rewrite history.
‘No, Issie, Darren was an infatuation.’ Firm. Denying Darren hurts.
‘You said you were in love.’ Rigid.
‘I was wrong.’ Reasonable.
‘You said you’re never wrong.’ Irritating.
‘I was wrong about that too.’ I’m almost shouting. I take a deep breath and have a stab at regaining some self-control. ‘Darren told me things that no one else could tell me and he taught me to look at things differently but I didn’t fall in love.’
She stares at me with naked disbelief. ‘Oh, so you can’t quote every single word he ever uttered to you? You didn’t laugh with him? You don’t talk about him constantly?’
Fair point.
‘Darren was…’ I’m struggling. ‘… exhilarating and amazing but he was a stranger. Women don’t fall in love with men they’ve just met.’
‘Of course they do!’
‘Why are we talking about Darren? It’s Josh I feel secure with. Josh I’ve known for ever.’
‘That doesn’t sound like love to me, it sounds like the safe choice.’
The waitress arrives with our food and we call an uneasy truce over the table. We sulkily eat our goat’s cheese salad and glumly glug our wine. This isn’t what I wanted. I wanted her to be happy for me.
‘I admit Josh doesn’t send my stomach into a somersault.’
‘The way Darren did.’
I ignore her interruption. ‘But that’s to be expected, I’ve known Josh for ever.’
What am I supposed to say?
Obviously Issie’s disappointed that things are changing, but things can’t stay the same. I wish they could have. Meeting Darren changed everything. I’m lonely in crowds now. But I’m a survivor and marrying Josh is my best survival tactic. Whilst I’m sorry that it makes Issie uncomfortable, I am completely without option. I push on.
‘Darren was about sexual attraction. I got carried away. I know I said some pretty crazy things at the time.’ I glance at Issie and try to work out if I’m convincing her. I can see by her face that she wants to believe me. Almost as much as I want to believe me. I press on. ‘Josh wants to marry me. I love Josh. He’s like a brother to me.’ Issie tries to interrupt but I hold my hand up to stop her. ‘Maybe, at the moment, Josh loves me in a different way. But two people rarely love each other equally, in the same way, at the same time. We’ve years together, we’ll even up.’ I pause for maximum impact and then I plead, ‘I’ll be a good wife to him.’ I mean this. I plan to be perfect. I’ll try to make it up to Josh for not being in love with him. I’ll take fastidious care in putting his needs before mine. He can choose which side of the bed to sleep on. And I’ll attend all his work functions. I’ll even learn the rules of rugby. Josh will get a good deal.
Issie pauses and thinks about what I’ve said. We sit for an eternity.
Finally she mutters, ‘I can’t believe you’d play games with Josh, so I have to believe that you are genuine about this, Cas.’ She stares at me for about two hundred years.
‘I am.’ Her face relaxes into a broad, delighted and assured smile. I force a tight, relieved smile. I’ve often condemned her for being too trusting, saying she invites people to wipe their Manolo Blahniks on her soul. Now I’m grateful that she’s so ingenuous.
We are through it. Everything is going to be brilliant from now on.
I show her my ring. She ooohs and ahhs, appropriately. She says that she definitely will not wear pink, lilac or frills. I reach into my bag and pull out the Amanda Wakeley Wedding Collection brochure. We both giggle shrilly and generally allow ourselves to get completely over-excited.
This is what girlfriends are born for.
16
A whole new world opens up in front of me. An entirely novel conversational track. An individual way to relate to my mother, Josh’s mother, aunts, neighbours, women I meet at dinner parties, restaurants, art galleries, the gym – my Ph.D. in Brides and Setting up Home. What had I talked about before I had the cluster on my finger? It surprises and delights me that wedding preparation is an admirable substitute for sex. Which is a good thing because Josh and I have decided not to rush having sex.
‘Why?’ Issie doesn’t understand.
‘Well, we’re both finding it a bit harder than we imagined crossing over from friends to lovers.’
‘Isn’t that a fairly major detail, since you are planning on getting married? Aren’t married people supposed to be lovers?’