“If she only fucking knew. I realized tonight that I am also deceiving Mom with this whole charade.” I sighed.
“Cedric, please. Stop doing this to yourself. You have every right to feel the way 266/727
you do. You need to let go of the past and move forward. Just think about you and Allison and nothing else. You deserve to be happy, dude.”
“I can’t stop this thing if I tried, man.
It’s a runaway train that’s about to derail,” I said as I joined him on the couch, leaning my head back.
Just then, we were interrupted by Mom, Denise and Callie, all of whom were walking down the basement stairs carrying a different dessert and some paper plates and napkins.
We turned on the DVD player and opted for It’s a Wonderful Life, mainly because it was Dad’s favorite and he was always here with us in spirit. This movie always depressed me though, even before Dad died.
Now, it was even more bittersweet.
My family sat together cuddled on the couch eating apple pie and chocolate cake, transfixed by the movie. Callie was the 267/727
exception and opted to watch Anderson Cooper clips on You Tube with her head-phones on.
I escaped upstairs to sit by the fire again, taking a bottle of Shiraz with me from the basement bar.
I stopped by the kitchen first to open the wine and pour a glass, then returned to my spot on the recliner right in front of the fire in my brother’s living room. The Christmas music still played low from the iPod speaker. I took a sip of the wine and looked down at my watch. It was only 8:30.
I leaned my head back, closed my eyes and imagined Allison straddling me on this chair in front of the fire. Just the thought was enough to make me hard. I shook my head to get the image out so I could think straight. I couldn’t. Remember that runaway train? It was about to derail.
I took my phone out of my pocket, hit her name and typed.
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Merry Christmas, Allison.
Send.
I closed my eyes and held my phone, having no clue whether I would hear from her. My hand shook when I immediately heard it chime back.
Allison:
Merry
Christmas,
Cedric. Where are you?
Cedric: At my brother’s in New
Hampshire. How about you?
Allison: I just got home from
dinner with my friend Danny.
Danny? Is she dating him? Fuck. And then as if she could read my mind…
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Allison: Danny and his boy-
friend live over by Fenway Park.
Phew.
Cedric: Ah, I see. Was it a good
time?
Allison: Yes, it was. What is
everyone doing over there?
Cedric: Watching It’s a Wonder-
full Life down in the basement. That
movie kind of depresses me.
Allison: Oh my God…me too. My
mother loved it though.
Cedric: I’m sorry.
Allison: Sorry for what? It is
depressing.?
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Cedric: I know, I mean, I am
sorry that your mom is not with you
tonight.
Allison: Thanks. Me too.?
I knew what I had to do next.
Cedric: Allison, how late will
you be up?
Allison: Pretty late…why?
Cedric: My mom asked me to
drop off a gift for you that she forgot
to give you last Thursday…on my
way home tonight
if you were
around.
Allison: I’ll be around. Sure.
That is so nice of her.
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Cedric:
Great.
I’ll
probably
leave here in about twenty minutes,
so I’ll be there sometime after ten.
Allison: Sounds good. I’ll see
you soon.
Cedric: Ok…see you soon .
My heart was pounding out of my chest. I was going to see her tonight. What a Christmas this was turning out to be.
I immediately went to the bathroom, grabbing the first toothbrush I saw not knowing whose it was and brushed my teeth.
I wet my hair back and stared at myself in the mirror. I’ve looked better, but if I had known I would be seeing Allison, I might have dressed differently. I was wearing a maroon button down shirt, rolled up at the 272/727
sleeves and dark jeans. I hadn’t shaved for a couple of days, but it would have to do.
I ran down the stairs and pulled my mother aside letting her know my plans. She gave me her keys and I ran out to the driveway, took the wrapped present out of her glove compartment and transferred it to the passenger seat in my car.
I went back in the house, returning the keys, putting on my black North Face parka and hugged and kissed each of my family members goodnight.
Caleb patted me strongly on the shoulder, since he was the only one who knew how difficult the situation with Allison really was for me.
I felt bad leaving early, but my mother was practically shoving me out the door when she found out I was going to take her up on that idea.
I got in my car and blasted the heat because it was freezing out. I put on some 273/727
smooth jazz and tried to relax as I pulled out of my brother’s driveway.
As I sped south down I-93, I thought about what I would say to her when I saw her. I needed to tell her how I felt about her without scaring her off. I hoped that she would invite me to stay beyond just handing her the gift, so that I had the chance to talk to her for once.