These are just a few of the available options for setting up your get-away funds. And once you’ve collected your personal reserve? Never, ever, under any circumstance do a damned thing with it. No investments. No paper trail. Why? The IRS. Let’s think about the fine men and women tasked with making sure we pay them the appropriate amount of blood money to keep the engines of the national machine cranking along—they’re the most indefatigable bunch of debt collectors on the face of the planet. You think the police, the mob, the courts know best how to deal with those that have done them wrong? Just remember: The IRS finally put Al freaking Capone away.
If a Public Enemy No. 1 like Capone couldn’t escape the long ledger of the Internal Revenue Service, don’t expect that you can, either. In all these things we’re talking about, the most important thing to avoid at every turn is playing Hansel and Gretel with anyone who might one day be moved to come through the forest chasing after you with a big old axe.
I don’t want anyone who reads these words to ever get arrested and put away for a painfully long time in a federal penitentiary with access only to monochromatic closed-circuit television. We’re just spitballing here, right?
So, continuing with our purely academic discussion, here goes: this is how you could theoretically obtain some of the crucial fake or otherwise sketchy papers you’ll need to morph into your newest self…
There are a ridiculous number of ways to get fake papers, but none of them are that easy, all are prone to fatal flaws, and—in the interest of brutal honesty—it’s getting harder to obtain them every day. In other words: the food is terrible, and in such small portions!
You and I, we’re mere mortals. We’re at the mercy of a lot of powerful machines. Stuff that can’t be fooled by a little white-out and a winning smile. I’m talking about the biggest stumbling block when it comes to crafting fake documents: even if you create one that’s utterly convincing, featuring all the requisite materials (the cleverly hidden little hologram of an eagle, scannable bar code, and “I Heart America!” watermark), it could still go bust if databases trade your info fast enough to come up with a hit that indicates a problem. The bad fake doc problem will screw the unwary at borders and in airports nearly every time. Your best bet is to restrict yourself at first to a fake state-issued license or ID.
There are few ways to make it over the speed bump of acquiring one with your vehicle’s suspension intact.…
State-Issued ID. This doesn’t permit you to do anything but buy booze and cash checks. Well, it will also get you on most domestic flights. It’s a dirt simple piece of identification to acquire—though in most states it helps if you have a birth certificate, proof of local address, and a past ID of some sort.
Let’s say you’ve acquired the birth certificate. After that, the forgery part of the festivities isn’t too complicated and at an average DMV it won’t be scrutinized that closely. It won’t be hard to draw up a fake electric bill to verify your identity, and the old ID needed could conceivably be altered from one of your own.
I’m over-simplifying, but let’s consider the problem with a simple state ID in most places: no driving. Seriously, you may cruise not one mile per hour above the speed limit, but—there’s still that outside chance you might run into an old-fashioned roadblock one night. Sober or not, your state identification isn’t an operator’s license—and everything would start to unravel then.
Of course there’s another option, but it takes some finesse: straight up bribing a DMV employee to make a new driver’s license for you.
First you’ve gotta suss out the most easily compromised DMV clerk. Sure, sure, the standard take on DMV drones is that they are deeply dissatisfied public servants who delight in torturing us with their control over our ability to freely move from strip mall to strip club. And while that’s often the case, there are a few ripe peaches in that bushel who haven’t turned rotten yet! However, that doesn’t mean it’s as simple as grabbing a big hunk of that cash you’ve been setting aside to lubricate said civil servant into handing you a totally authentic piece of fake identification.
To begin, take a few trips to the bureau of motor vehicles. Pick up various pamphlets from all corners of the room—or pretend you’re waiting for an appointment, but you’re too impatient to sit long. Stake the whole place out, get a feel for who’s who. Eventually, you’ll spot the easiest mark—surlier than average, perfunctory in every transaction, more monotonous than a white noise generator—and that’s the clerk to keep an eye on. Even civil servants have needs! Figure out how to get some I-scratch-you-scratch action, and hopefully your new pal will be able to hook you up.
That’s a very iffy plan, unless you go into it with a solid lead on a slippery employee. Let’s sketch out how you might just take care of this issue yourself.…
Unleash your inner da Vinci! Admittedly that’s not an artful way to put this, but I’m making a point: you may have to call upon all your considerable visual genius to enact this part of the plan.
Forging an identity card isn’t that tricky, but be wary—many now come with a special bar code on the back that’s encoded with your information. That bar code can tell anyone who laser scans it with the right software a ton of stuff about you.
For example: the bar code on the back of the Illinois state-issued license and nondriving ID contains only basic info like your name, its expiration date, and a couple of other bits of data. On a fake ID, I’d suggest this bar code needs to be half-plausible and programmed with something, but as long as you steer clear of airport security and drugstores that sell pseudoephedrine, it’s likely no one will ask to scan your ID.
Ignore Web sites that offer fake IDs: they’re mostly just after a quick buck, even on the so-called Dark Web. To make a temporary fake ID yourself, you will need a pretty up-to-date computer and a killer scanner. Use a little bit of the cash you’ve set aside to buy whichever one you need.
Start with an existing piece of identification that’s essentially what you’re looking to build. For example, if you’re in Kentucky and are a six-foot tall white guy in your forties, politely borrow an ID from another dude who fits those specs. Then scan that puppy at the highest possible resolution.
Now pop that scanned image into your favorite image manipulation program and go to town. Steal the background color in the other guy’s photo, then grab a photo of yourself and cut and paste it in there. Change whatever else you can think of to better build this identity in your own image.
Once all that artistic image manipulation is complete, examine your masterpiece closely. If it’s satisfactory, you have another challenge to face: choosing the best stock on which to print.
Brothers and sisters, I know it’s tiresome. These little picayune details are just killing you, right? But what price for a new life, friends? What’s it worth to you to breathe that fresh air of freedom under a new name with that nasty old slate of yours newly wiped clean? You sat down and started reading, so here it is: we have to escape the devil at our heels by focusing on these details.
ID cards are printed on plastic or on paper that’s coated (or specially laminated). It’s important that you get as close as you can to what the state you’re in really uses. Before you even begin the labor of cutting and pasting your handsome mug onto John or Jane Doe’s ID scan, be sure you are clear on the kind of medium you’ll be printing it on, be it PVC (polyvinyl chloride), Teslin, or whatever magical synthetic substance the federal government decides to make use of next.