“The minute we reach the ocean,” Max replied, “I’ll wrap your ash trays in waterproof bags.”
“Fine. We’re very careful about our ash trays. Do what you want with the rest of the car, but please take care of the ash trays.” She made an unpleasant face. “Some of our customers put ashes in them.”
“May we have the car now?”
The girl handed him a card. “This is your authorization. Just go up to the roof. A car will be along in a minute.”
Max peered at her. “The roof?”
“That’s the only way you can get a car from us. We drive it by and you jump into it from the roof. That’s how we put you in the driver’s seat.”
Max turned and looked around the terminal. “Does the second largest rent-a-car outfit have an office here?” he said.
“Oh, all right. If you’re chicken, you can get into the driver’s seat any way you want to. But don’t expect to see yourself on TV.”
Max and Peaches left the desk and went outside. Soon, a car pulled up-driverless-and they got into it and drove off.
“Do you know the way to New York?” Peaches asked.
“Of course. I have a map of every country and state in the world etched in my mind.”
“Then how do you get to New York?”
“Simple. You head straight toward the top of the page. You drive through the yellow state and the green state, and when you get to the pink state, you’re in New York.”
“I’m relieved,” Peaches said. “For a second, I didn’t think you really knew.” She leaned back in her seat. “Now, may I have the Plan? While we’re driving, I’ll try to decipher it.”
Max handed her the Dooms Day Plan. “I don’t actually need it any more,” he said. “The words are etched in my mind.”
“I think I’ll try transposing the letters into mathematical symbols,” Peaches said. “That’s the Phorbisher system.”
“Lots of luck,” Max said. “I’ll stick to my own system, if you don’t mind.”
Peaches pointed to the speedometer. “You’re driving too fast.”
“I can’t help it,” Max replied. “This is the way secret agents are required to drive. Scary, isn’t it?”
“But what’s the hurry?”
“There isn’t any hurry. But when a secret agent drives, he has to drive fast. Rule No. 13.”
“Isn’t 13 bad luck?”
“It is if you and another secret agent happen to meet at a cross street.”
Peaches suddenly sat up. “What’s that? That sound. It sounds like a siren!”
Max looked in the rear-view mirror. “There’s a police car following us,” he said. “Probably chasing some criminal.”
“Or a speeder?”
“Yes, that’s possible.” Max peered ahead. “But I don’t see a speeder.”
“You, you idiot!”
“Oh,” Max winced.
The police car, siren wailing, drew up alongside. The trooper at the wheel motioned for Max to pull over.
“He’s signaling!” Peaches said.
“Are you sure? Maybe he’s just waving. After all, we’re in the same trade-more or less.”
“Pull over!” Peaches insisted.
Max slowed down and eased the car off the highway, then stopped. The police car came to a halt, too, and the trooper got out and walked back to Max’s car. The trooper was plump. He looked like a typical trooper.
“Where’s the conflagration?” the trooper asked.
“Conflagration, officer?”
“That’s college talk for ‘fire’,” the trooper explained. “I’m one of the new breed of police officers-college educated.”
“Oh. Well, actually, there isn’t any fire. That is, not that I know of. Although, considering the number of little boys who play with matches, I suppose there must be a fire somewhere.”
“I’ll have to take you in,” the trooper said.
“What’s the charge, officer?”
“Speeding.”
“Well then, I’m afraid I’ll have to take you in, too, officer,” Max said. “You were driving as fast-if not faster-than I was. Faster, I believe. See? Your car is parked ahead of mine, so you must have been driving faster. I’ll have to make a citizen’s arrest.”
The trooper smiled. “That’s only fair,” he said. “Who’ll lead?”
“Lead?”
“We’ll have to drive to the courthouse in the nearest town and face the judge,” the trooper explained. “I could lead, or you could lead. As long as we both get there, the judge won’t mind.”
“I don’t believe I know the way,” Max said.
“Then I’ll lead. Follow me.”
Max started to get out of his car.
“No,” the trooper said, “I mean follow me in your car. I’ll be in my car.”
“Lucky you went to college,” Max said. “Otherwise, I might have had a long walk ahead of me.”
The trooper returned to his car, got in, then proceeded along the highway. Max and Peaches followed in their car.
“Wasn’t there something familiar about that trooper?” Peaches said.
“As a matter of fact, yes. He reminds me a little of Harry Hagedorn, a boy I knew in seventh grade. Except that Harry was much shorter. Of course, he was only thirteen at the time.”
“No, I mean someone we’ve met recently.”
“The girl at the rent-a-car desk?”
Peaches shook her head.
“Beats me,” Max said. “Maybe it will come to you.”
They entered a small town. The streets were totally deserted. The buildings looked extremely temporary-as if they might consist only of false fronts.
“These picturesque small towns fascinate me,” Max said. “This one looks almost like a movie set-as if it were put up for some special purpose and would be torn down tomorrow.”
“It does look unlived in,” Peaches frowned.
“Ahh… here we are,” Max said, pulling up behind the trooper’s car, which had stopped.
Max and Peaches got out, and joined the trooper, who was waiting.
“The courthouse is just up the street a ways,” the trooper said.
“A ways?”
“I talk that rustic talk when I stop in these small towns,” the trooper explained. “Let ’em know you have a college education, and you’re dead.”
“Yes, I suppose so. Well, lead the ways.”
They marched up the street.
“Isn’t it strange that none of the natives are out on the street?” Peaches said.
“Not really,” Max replied. “Only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noonday sun. There probably isn’t a mad dog or Englishman in the whole town.”
“None of the stores seem to be open. In fact, I don’t think they’ve ever been open.”
Max stopped and rubbed a clean spot on the dusty window of a store. He saw the face of Agent 44 peering out at him from inside. Max nodded, then moved on.
“I’m worried,” Peaches said.
“Relax,” Max said. “We have at least one friend in this town.”
“Who?”
“You wouldn’t believe it.”
The trooper stopped in front of a dilapidated building. “This is it,” he said. “It’s not much, but it’s fine for collecting fines.”
“Fine,” Max replied.
They entered the building, then the trooper led them into a small courtroom.
“The judge is probably in the back room,” the trooper said. “I’ll get him.”
“Don’t try to sneak away,” Max said. “Remember-you’re under arrest.”
“Promise.”
The trooper disappeared into the back room. “Max, I’m getting worrieder and worrieder,” Peaches said.
“I don’t see why. Speaking as our lawyer, I’m sure I can get us off. Our arrest, as I see it, is clearly unconstitutional. It violates our freedom of speedsh.” He smiled. “Get it?”
“Where do I get another lawyer?”
“Never fear. With me-”
Max was interrupted by the sound of the door of the back room opening. The judge appeared. He was plump, and looked like a typical small town judge.
“Your Honor, first I want to say that this is a travesty of justice,” Max said. “Next, I’d like to say: Where is the trooper who arrested us?”
“He left by the back door,” the judge replied. “He’s got to get back to the highway and catch himself another city slicker.”
“But that man was under arrest!” Max protested. “I caught him speeding!”
“He told me all about it,” the judge said, seating himself at his bench. “I tossed the case out of court and released him. You were violating his constitutional right of freedom of the press.”