“Talk, talk, talk!” Boris growled. “Enough talk! Now, shoot!” He aimed the pistol directly at Max.
“Hold on there!” Max said. “Since you won’t listen to reason, let’s try a little subterfuge. It just so happens that this building is surrounded by a battalion of troops from the Fifth Armored Division. Pull that trigger, and you’re a doomed man!”
“You are insane!”
“Don’t believe it, eh? All right, would you believe: fifty motorcycle cops and a troop of Boy Scouts?”
“Prepare to die!”
“In that case, would you believe: a troop of Girl Scouts armed with rock-hard Girl Scout cookies?”
Boris aimed the pistol. “On the count of three. One… two.. ”
“Last chance,” Max said. “Would you believe: one small boy with a water pistol?”
“Three!” Boris counted. He pulled the trigger. The pistol clicked. A drop of river water fell from the end of the barrel.
Max stared. “I must have magic powers. All I said was ‘water pistol.’ ”
Again, frantically now, Boris pulled the trigger. “Click!”
“This comes as a complete surprise to me,” Max said. “I had no idea I was magic.”
Boris pulled the trigger of his gun rapidly. “Click… click.. click… click… click… click…”
“Now I’ll try something really difficult,” Max said. “Allakazam and hocus-pocus… I command a full battalion of the Fifth Armored Division to appear.”
They all turned expectantly to the doorway.
But nothing happened.
“Maybe that was asking a little too much,” Max said. “Allakazam and hocus-pocus… how about one teensy-weensy motorcycle cop… off-duty if necessary.”
Still nothing.
Max shook his head puzzledly. “What am I doing wrong?”
“Rorff!”
“I beg your pardon!” Max said coolly. “It just so happens that ‘allakazam’ is so spelled with two l’s.”
“Click… click… click… click… click!” went Boris’s gun.
“Okay, two can play at that game,” Max said. He whipped out his own pistol, took dead aim on Boris, and pulled the trigger. “Click!” went the pistol. A drop of river water fell from the barrel.
Boris fired again. “Click!”
Max’s turn. “Click… click… click… click!”
Boris. “Click… click… click!”
Max. “Click… click… click!”
Then silence.
Both Max and Boris continued to pull their triggers, but there was no sound.
“I think we’re out of ammunition,” Max said finally. Then, thinking fast, he turned to Blossom and said, “Quick… get the girl’s gun!”
Noel’s arms were still in the air, and her pistol was still on the floor.
Blossom snatched up the gun.
“Good work!” Max said.
Blossom handed the gun to Noel. “Here you are… you dropped your gun!”
“No! No! No!” Max bellowed.
“But you said-”
“I said ‘get’ her gun, I didn’t say ‘give it to her.’ ”
“But it’s her gun!”
“The third rule!” Max raged. “Never give the enemy his gun back!”
“Well, how should I know!” Blossom wept. “I’m not a professional!”
“All right, all right,” Max sighed. “I guess that’s how you learn-by making mistakes.” He spoke to Noel. “Look, could we run through that again. You put the gun back, and I’ll say to her, ‘Quick
… get the girl’s-.’ ”
“Siiiiilence!” Noel screamed.
“For a secret agent, you certainly are touchy,” Max grumbled.
“You!” Noel said, addressing Fred. “You will accompany me!” To the others, she said, “If there is any attempt to follow us, I will destroy Fred. If you value his mechanism, believe me. For those are my orders!”
“I hardly think that last was necessary,” Max said, hurt. “I would never call a lady a liar.”
Boris stepped forward-hands up. “Perhaps we can come to an agreement,” he said to Noel.
“Good old Boris,” Max commented to Blossom. “In there right to the last trying to save the day for us.”
“What’s your deal?” Noel said warily to Boris.
“I will swap you one secret agent, one lady inventor and a mangy dog for Fred,” said Boris. “And I will throw in two pistols, which, when drained, will work just like new.”
“Is that a friend, or is that a friend!” Max said to Blossom. “It’s probably everything he owns.”
“What kind of a deal is that!” Noel scoffed. “You’re trying to trade me something I already have, and don’t want, for something I also have, and do want.”
Boris shrugged. “I am a poor man. I can only give what is someone else’s.”
“No deal!” Noel snapped.
“Good try, anyway,” Max said to Boris.
Noel turned her pistol on Fred. “Follow me!” She backed toward the doorway.
“Goodbye, Fred,” Blossom sniffled.
“So long, friend,” Max said. “When you get to Panamania, give my regards to Brigitte Bardot. Ask her if she remembers the summer of ’61.”
“Hurry!” Noel commanded Fred.
Fred moved forward. As he did so, his arm raised, the nickel dropped into his slot. “Peep-a-dotta, poop-a-dotta, dippa-dotta-boop!” Lemons.
He spoke. “Ladies first.”
A blush crept into Noel’s cheeks. “How nice of you,” she murmured, lowering her eyes. “You are a gentleman.”
Noel stepped through the doorway first.
Fred’s arm came up again. He slammed the door and locked it, shutting Noel out. The key he dropped into his slot.
Noel pounded angrily on the other side of the door and shrieked. “You ugly computer! You are no gentleman!”
“Veeeery neat!” Max commended Fred. To Blossom, he said, “Do you see what he’s done? He’s locked her out!”
“Let me in!” Noel shrilled.
Max called back through the closed door. “We can’t. It’s locked! And we can’t shoot the lock off because we’re out of ammunition.” He winked at the tourist from Zinzinotti. “Right, Boris?”
“Da,” Boris grinned.
“Let me in!”
“Tell you what I’ll do,” Max called. “Slip your gun under the door, and I’ll shoot the lock off from in here.”
Silence.
Then, from outside, Noel’s voice again. “Scout’s honor?”
“Max Smart is a man of his word.”
The gun came sliding under the door.
Max picked it up. He spoke through the door again. “I said I’d shoot the lock off the door. But I didn’t say when I’d do it. Just be seated, please. I’ll be with you in just a moment.” He turned to Blossom. “Understand what I’m doing? I’ve got her trapped out there.”
“But we’re the ones who are inside,” Blossom said.
“Exactly. We’re inside, free to maneuver, and she’s outside, trapped. Think about it.” He faced toward Boris. “Boris, I appreciate everything you’ve done. None of it worked… but the thought was there, anyway.”
“Perhaps I could do one more little thing for you,” Boris smiled. “Hold the gun, for example?”
“Geeee… that’s nice of you. But I’m going to need it in a second to blast the lock off that door. There is one thing you can do for me, though. You can come along with me when I take that girl back to Control. I may need you to back up my story. Sometimes the Chief thinks I exaggerate. When I tell him this nice girl from Paree, Illinois, is actually a FLAG agent, he’s going to be a little… where are you going?”
Boris was backing toward the window. “Suddenly I need a little air,” Boris said. “I thought I’d step out for a moment.”
“Hey… watchit! We’re twenty stories up. If you step out that window, you’ll-”
Boris disappeared.
Max winced, closing his eyes tight.
There was a long, long silence… then an explosive splash. River water sprayed in through the open window.
Max sighed relievedly. “Lucky, lucky break,” he said. “Apparently the river is right below the window.”
Blossom went to the window and looked out. “He’s swimming,” she reported. “And there’s that submarine again.”
Max joined her at the window. “You’re certainly stubborn when you get an idea in your head,” he said. “That’s still not a submarine. It’s a periscope.”
“Well, what’s under it?”
“The bed of the river, of course. Any school child could answer that!” He went back to the door and spoke through it. “All right, out there! Just be patient. I’m going to blast this lock!”