He laughed.
Of all the reactions she might have expected, that wasn't one of them, and she felt as if something inside her had ripped away from its foundation. Tossing aside the pillow, she scrambled toward the far side of the bed. She felt as if she were bleeding to death inside, but damned if she needed to stick around and give him a front row view of the process.
Before she could slide off the other side of the mattress, however, he dove after her, catching her by the shoulder. "Jess—"
Years of being a good girl, of staying in the background and never making any waves, went up in smoke. She came completely undone and started kicking, scratching, and flailing. "Get away!"
"No." He wrestled her flat onto her back and rolled atop her to hold her down. Catching her wrists in his hands, he pinned her arms to the mattress above their heads. Then he pushed up slightly to stare down at her.
"Jesus," he whispered, settling more firmly on top of her. "Jesus, Jessie."
Her breasts heaved as she tried to drag in enough breath to inflate her lungs. All the fight went out of her, and she returned his stare dully, her emotions a tangled web of loving him, hating him, and wishing herself a million miles away. "Let me go."
"I can't," he said hoarsely. "That's the one thing I just can't do."
Tears filled her eyes and silently overflowed.
"Oh, man, don't do that." Turning loose her wrists, he swiped at her cheeks with his fingers. "Please, baby, don't cry. I wasn't laughing at you, I swear I wasn't. I was laughing at the situation." His mouth slanted bitterly. "And you gotta admit it's kinda funny, in a twisted, dicked-up sort of way."
She just stared at him, and he insisted, "No, really, it is. This all came about in the first place because I knew you'd been unhappy for a long time, and I wanted to do something about it."
"So you thought you'd make me feel better by having an affair with another woman?" she demanded incredulously.
"I'm not having an affair, Jessie. I'm getting a new job."
"You're—" She could feel her mouth working like a landed fish's, and snapped it shut. She shook her head in an attempt to clear it. But still all she seemed capable of doing was gaping witlessly. "What?"
"The woman you saw me with is the personnel director for a company called StarTek. Her name is Lynn Duncan." He blew out a breath. "You think I don't understand what's been going on here? Ever since I took the job with David things have gone to hell between us. I know you believe that's the reason I married you, but I'm actually damn good at what I do. I'm in demand, for crissake—corporations send their top headhunters after me on a regular basis." With each word he spoke, his golden eyebrows inched closer together, until they met fiercely over his nose as he glared down at her.
Then he seemed to collect himself, and his brow smoothed. "But I thought you wanted to live here with your family, so I took the job with David. I thought it would please you." He stiff-armed himself away to loom over her on braced hands. And he shook his head and sighed. "But I don't think you've been truly happy since the day we moved into this place." Rolling off her, he climbed to his feet.
For a minute all Jessica could think was, It isn't another woman. It isn't another woman ! Then her own brow furrowed, and she turned onto her side, stuffing the throw pillow beneath her armpit as she propped her head in her hand. "Have you been any happier?"
He shrugged. "Not really, but I thought I was doing what you wanted."
Jessica's heart began to pound, with confusion, with hope. "Why didn't you ever tell me any of this before?"
"I don't know. Maybe I just hoped you'd trust me without having to explain myself to death."
"What do you mean, explain yourself to death? You've never explained yourself at all!"
"Yeah, all right, maybe I haven't." He thrust his fingers through his hair. "And that was wrong of me. But all my life women have looked at me and seen . . my looks. I'll admit that wasn't a problem until I met you. When you seemed to see the real me, though, I discovered it's a lot more exciting being wanted for more than just my face or my studly butt."
"You can't simply take your looks out of the equation, though, Christopher. I knew within five minutes of meeting you that you were so much more than just a gorgeous guy. But the fact remains, you are a gorgeous guy. And I'm about as far from gorgeous as it gets. I'm just a mousy, average-looking woman."
"Are you kidding me? You're so beautiful, Jessie, both inside and out. And no one else can make me laugh the way you do. No one else makes me want to be a better man." His eyes darkened. "Besides, you've got those pretty eyes, and those legs up to here that make me so horny I can barely see straight. I fell for you like Adam from grace, and I thought we were going to live happily ever after."
But they hadn't. Somehow the ink had barely dried on the marriage certificate before everything had started falling apart. "What happened?" she asked.
He came back and joined her on the bed, stretched out facing her in a position that mirrored her own. "Remember how we used to talk to each other in our little apartment in Bellingham?"
"Of course. We never seemed to run out of things to say."
"Well, when we moved here, you quit talking to me. You quit laughing with me."
"So why did you never say anything? You don't seem to have any trouble telling me now. Why not before?"
"Why didn't you ever tell me your fears?"
Okay, looking at it from his perspective, she realized that the situation could be construed differently from the way she'd always viewed it, and she drew a deep breath. "I was afraid to," she admitted slowly. "I love you so much, but I guess I couldn't quite believe you could love me in return. I've just been waiting for you to take up with one of the gorgeous women who are always throwing themselves at you." She peered at him, a sense of wonder slowly filling her. "But you're never going to do that, are you?"
"Hell, no!" He reached out and dragged her across the small sea of bedspread separating them. Wrapping her in his arms, he held her tightly and pressed his mouth to the crown of her head. "You're the most important person in my life, and I've been trying to find a way back to you. I've been trying so fucking hard, Jess. For such a long time."
She spread her palms against his chest to absorb as much of his warmth and strength as she could. But she was desperate to hold him in return, and soon slid her hands up to wrap around his strong neck. "Why didn't you at least tell me you were looking for another job?"
"I wanted to surprise you." He gave a rueful laugh. "Don't ask me why, but it seemed like a good idea at the time."
"God, Christopher, I love you so much. And I'm such a coward for not trying harder. It's just… I've always felt so second-rate, and that's a hard self-image to break. First there was an entire lifetime spent trying to keep up with the Joneses, which is pretty futile when you flat out don't have the means to compete. Then, too, I've never been the life of the party, or even someone with an interesting career. And I'm certainly not pretty like Cassidy." He made a sound of disagreement and she tightened her arms around his neck. "I'm not. But you chose me anyway, and for a while I felt like a goddess. Then, when you seemed to jump at David's offer within months of the wedding, I didn't know what to think. I'm not proud that my insecurities made me suspect the worst possible explanation. And I'm even less proud that instead of confronting you with my doubts, I did what I've always done, and withdrew inside myself."
"I don't know, baby, I'd say your withdrawing days are numbered. You looked pretty kick-ass fierce a few minutes ago when you threatened to scratch my eyes out."
The corners of her lips curled up in a tiny smile. "I've felt a little more confident lately. A little less willing to please everyone—and a lot less passive."