The waitress returned with Zach's beer and her Chardonnay and offered to take their orders. Flushed by the sheer amount of raw sexuality she'd sparked, Lily hurriedly picked up her menu and made her selection. When the young woman departed, she made a conscious effort to dial back the tension by turning the conversation to less inflammatory matters.
Zach gave her a knowing smile, but fell in with the subject change. Over salads he challenged her to describe her ideal restaurant. Absorbed in trying to relate all her ideas, it wasn't until a seaplane's arrival in the harbor made hearing momentarily difficult that she realized she'd dominated the conversation throughout most of the meal. As the plane cut back its engines and taxied to the dock, she waved her fork and gave Zach a crooked smile.
"My, how I do go on. So now it's my turn to eat and your turn to talk. You said you're on leave." She sliced off a bite of salmon and studied him across the table. "What happens when you go back? Are you immediately off on an exotic new adventure?"
For just a second he stilled. Then his shoulders shifted in the faintest of shrugs. "Funny you should ask. I've been trying to decide that very thing."
"Whether or not you'll be sent on another mission?"
"No, what happens to my career when I go back." He pushed his plate away and leaned toward her. "You see, I've got two years left in the service, and I always thought I'd spend them the same way I spent the first eighteen. But lately a couple of my COs have been agitating for me to give up field work."
She studied him for a moment. "I'm guessing that doesn't sit too well with you. Do you love it that much?"
"Yes!" Then he frowned. "Well, no—not really. I mean, it's a lot more exhausting and not as much fun as it used to be. But it's what I know—and what I'm good at it. And it's not frigging teaching !'
He sounded so affronted by the idea, she had to grab her chair to keep from climbing straight over the table to give him a great big hug. "Is that what they're suggesting you do instead?" At his terse nod, she loosened her grip on the seat in order to reach across the space separating them, touching gentle fingertips to the big hand fisted around his napkin. "This is not something you care to do, I gather."
"Are you kidding, Lily? Can you honestly see me as anyone's instructor?"
"Well… yes. Actually, I can." When he stared at her as if she were certifiable, she stroked the white knuckles beneath her fingers. "Zach, isn't that already part of what you do now? I mean, I know it's much more seat-of-the-pants and dangerous than any classroom situation could ever be. But you said your men are mostly in their late teens and early twenties—I would think dealing with that age group day in and day out must be an ongoing teaching process. I can't honestly envision you lecturing from behind a podium. But if you're talking about teaching practical application of the things they've learned in a class in more reality-based settings, then I can definitely see you doing that."
He looked startled. But he also looked thoughtful, and to her satisfaction his knuckles stopped displaying so much bone as his fingers relaxed beneath her hand.
He sat back in his chair and simply stared at her for a moment. Then he turned his hand beneath hers and enfolded her fingers in his warm grasp. Looking down, he seemed fascinated by the sight of his thumb smoothing over the back of her hand. "I think you're the one who'd make a good teacher," he said to the skin beneath his rough-tipped fingers. "I don't think it's escaped anyone's attention the way you transformed Jessica."
It was Lily's turn to be startled. "Oh, no. Really. I mean, we talked, of course, but Jess did all the work herself."
"Thanks to some major guidance and motivation from you." His pale, charcoal-rimmed eyes rose to pin her in place. "I don't think I've ever met anyone as patient or nice as you are."
" Oh . Oh, Zach." Her insides melted. She'd known since first realizing the depth of her feelings for him that sooner or later she'd slip and give them away. But she had always suspected it would be the mind-frying sex they shared that would undermine her defenses. Never once had she dreamed that hearing him call her nice while they were both fully clothed might be the agent to bring all her walls tumbling down. Yet her entire body yearned toward him as she felt every safeguard she'd ever placed on her heart crumble to dust. She squeezed the fingers wrapped around hers. "Oh, gawd, Zach. I am so in love with you."
His entire body stilled. "Yeah?" The tilt of his mouth looked pleasantly amused, but his eyes were suddenly guarded. "Well, if a little compliment like that floats your boat, I can hardly wait to see what kind of reaction dessert gets." His hand slid out from under hers, and he leaned back in his chair. Way back.
For about two seconds she was tempted to just let it go. She knew that's what he wanted—to pretend the elephant hadn't entered the room with them. But when she looked from her now-empty hand curled limply in the middle of the linen tablecloth to the man leaning as far away from her as he could get and still remain at the same table, she felt something cool trickle through the warm fuzzies she'd been immersed in all evening. And she knew she couldn't let it go—not after having just bared her soul. "Okay," she said slowly. "Not exactly the reaction I'd hoped for."
For a moment he looked downright panicked, but then he straightened, his face wiped free of all emotion. "What do you want me to say, Lily—that I love you, too; let's start looking for a rose-covered cottage?"
She kept her expression every bit as neutral as his while the cool trickle turned to an icy torrent. "Yes. I can't think of anything I'd rather hear."
"I'm sorry, but I can't. I don't do love."
Oh boy , did she disagree, but she merely said, "You do a first-class imitation of it, then."
"It's a pipedream, Lily—a concept invented by greeting card companies. There's lust, and like, and excitement, and that's no doubt what you feel too." Crossing his arms over his chest, he gave her an authoritative look. "Trust me. You're not in love with me."
Unfortunately, she was. But she didn't particularly like him right this minute. "And what makes you such an authority on how I feel?"
"Common sense." His arms dropped away from his chest and he leaned forward earnestly. "Look, you and I are really… compatible… in some ways. But in the long run we're interested in different things."
"That's funny, because despite the obvious differences between us, I could have sworn we had more in common than not. So what is it that interests me that scares you so much?"
"Opening the restaurant you've been saving a lifetime to buy, for starters. And it doesn't scare me. I'm just pointing out that you're ready to settle down in one place—and I'm in an occupation that has me constantly on the move."
"Yes, for two more years. That's nothing compared to how long I've already waited." But nausea roiled in her stomach at the look on his face. "I can see, though, that the last thing you want to hear is that I'm willing to postpone opening my place until you're out of the service." A chill raised the flesh on her arms and she rubbed her hands up and down them. "Gawd, this is almost funny. Not that long ago, I would have thought following a soldier around the country was the last thing I'd be willing to do too. But then I went and fell in love with you. I think we could have a phenomenal future together. You obviously don't feel the same." He didn't deny it, and she died just a little. "You said we're really compatible in some ways. You want to define what those are?"
He merely looked at her and the sickness increased. " Sexually" ? That's all I mean to you? Someone to fuck?"
He jerked. "Jesus, Lily. Don't talk like that."
A crack of bitter laughter escaped her. "Oh. That's beautiful. You virtually tell me it's all you want from me, but I shouldn't say the word?"
"That's not what I meant. I've just never heard you swear." He shook his head impatiently. "But that's not important. You're not just someone to fuck—we're friends, you and I."