"That's it, Ray," he swore. "I've had it. No more parties. I'm tired of taking abuse from overprivileged nine-year-olds."
"Come on, Winston," Stantz wheedled, trying to look on the bright side of things. "We can't quit now. The holidays are coming up! It's our best season!"
The two men got into the car. Stantz attempted to get Ecto-1 moving. He cranked the ignition key. The car made a sound that resembled an elephant in heat. The engine refused to turn over. Winston gazed out of the windshield at nothing in particular.
"Give it up, Ray. You're living in the past. Ghostbust ers doesn't exist anymore. In a year these kids won't even remember who we are."
Stantz plowed a hand through his groundhog hairdo before cranking the engine again. Snork! the engine declared before dying. "Ungrateful little yuppie larvae," Stantz muttered. "After all we did for this city!"
Winston offered a dry cackle. "Yeah, what did we do, Ray? The last real job we had, we bubbled up a hundred-foot marshmallow man and blew the top three floors off an uptown high rise."
A dreamy smile played across Stantz's face. "Yeah, but what a ride. You can't make a hamburger without chopping up a cow."
Stantz turned the ignition key again. Ecto-1's engine roared to life. Then it began to grind its gears. Then, apparently, it began playing a game of last tag with itself. Stantz couldn't believe his ears as, clunkity-clunk- clunk, the engine began tossing off twisted little bits of
itself onto the street beneath it. A massive cloud of black smoke mushroomed from the back of the car. Stantz gaped at the dashboard as every "danger" indicator lit up and Ecto-1 sputtered, shuddered, spat, and died.
Winston gave him an I-told-you-so look.
Ray Stantz considered the situation and reacted in an adult manner. He began to bang his forehead onto the steering wheel.
"You're going to hurt yourself, Ray," Winston offered.
"I know," Stantz said, slamming his forehead, again and again, onto the wheel.
"Want me to call Triple A?" Winston asked.
"Either that or a brain surgeon," Stantz replied.
Winston eased himself out of Ecto-1. "I'll see who answers first."
3
Legend has it that even as a child, Peter Venkman was incapable of a sincere smile. The farthest he could go was a heartfelt smirk. In high school he was voted Most Likely to Become a Used-car Salesman or a Game-show Host. Venkman never cared. He knew he had it within himself to achieve greatness. And if he didn't find it within himself, he knew he could probably pick it up somewhere at a discount.
He'd been great once. A bona fide Ghostbuster.
Now, the fellow with the twenty-four-hour smirk, the cocky attitude, and hair that looked like it had been dried by a Mixmaster sat in the tiny TV studio given to him by WKRR, Channel 10, in New York.
He sat passively in his host's seat, gazing out on an audience filled with polyester leisure suits and dresses that resembled designs lifted from Omar the tent maker.
Synthesized Muzak began to play in the back ground.
He glanced at the TV monitor to the right of the camera as the title World of the Psychic with Dr. Peter
Venkman materialized against a background that looked like swirling phlegm.
Venkman screwed on his best grin (which operated at a forty-five-degree angle) and pushed his voice up to gracious-huckster volume. He was suave. He was engag ing. He was the people's friend. He would do anything to pay the rent.
"Hi," he said breathlessly to both the camera and the adoring audience. "We're back to the World of the Psychic I'm Peter Venkman."
He glanced at his two guests: a frail man who resembled Boris Karloff after a bad day in the lab and a rotund woman who bore more than a passing resem blance to Lou Costello in drag.
"I'm chatting with my guest—author, lecturer, and of course, psychic, Milton Anglund."
He faced the dour man and cocked his head to one side in a Cary Grant kind of way. "Milt, your new book is called The End of the World Isn't that kind of like writing about gum disease? Yes, it could happen, but do you think anybody wants to read a book about it?"
The dour man shrugged. "Well, I think it's impor tant for people to know that the world is in danger."
Venkman nodded. "Okay, so you can tell us when it's going to happen or do we have to buy the book?"
Milton puffed up his sparrowlike chest. "I predict that the world will end at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve."
Venkman rolled his eyes. "This year? That's cutting it a little close, isn't it? I mean, from a sales point of view, the book just came out, right? So you're not even looking at the paperback release for maybe a year. And it's going to be at least another year after that if the thing has movie-of-the-week or miniseries potential. You
would have been better off predicting 1992 or even '94 just to play it safe."
Milton was not amused. "This is not just some money-making scheme! I didn't just make up the date. I have a strong psychic belief that the world will end on New Year's Eve!"
Venkman raised his palms. "Whoa. Okay. For your sake, I hope you're right. But I think my other guest may disagree with you. Elaine, you had another date in mind, right?"
The heavily made-up woman from New Jersey nod ded her head. "According to my sources, the world will end on February fourteenth, in the year 2016."
Venkman winked at her. "Valentine's Day? That's got to be a bummer. Where did you get that date, Elaine?"
Elaine pursed her lips dramatically. "I received this information from an alien. I was at the Paramus Holiday Inn. I was having a drink in the bar when he approached me and started talking. Then he must have used some sort of ray or a mind-control device, because he made me follow him to his room and that's where he told me about the end of the world."
Venkman grinned as he felt a good number of his brain cells check out. "Your alien had a room at the Holiday Inn?"
Elaine pondered this. "It may have been a room on the spacecraft made up to look like a room in the Holiday Inn."
Venkman gazed at the woman. He was losing feeling in his feet. "No, you can't be sure," he said with a nod. "And I think that's the whole problem with aliens. You just can't trust them. Oh, sure, you may get some nice ones occasionally, like Starman or E.T., but most of them
turn out to be some kind of lizard. Anyway, we're just about out of time."
Venkman faced the camera, mentally nodding out. "Next week on World of the Psychic... Bigfoot: is he real or just a lumberjack from a broken home?"
He smiled at the camera. "Until then, this is Peter Venkman ... good night."
After the show he cornered his producer, Norman, in the hall. Norman looked a little like Timmy from the old Lassie show but was slightly better dressed.
"Where do you find these people, Normie?" Venk man asked. "I thought we were having the telekinetic guy who bends the spoons?"