“Please,” I whispered. “Wait.”
He already had my shirt off. We fell back on the pile of stuffed-animal blankets. He pinned me to the mattress, his weight was delicious, and now he was moving his lips against mine, agonizing and luscious, the brush of stubble against my temples, the sweep of his hair. I felt I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I was his and he was mine. I could feel the heat of him burning through his wet clothes. He was a man possessed, by grief and passion together.
Finally, I made myself say, very clearly, “We have to use a condom.” With some embarrassment, he regained control of himself. He took a deep, shuddering breath, then said, “I have a couple in my wallet.”
“Let’s use two,” I said. “Just to be sure.”
“Okay.”
But once he started to kiss me again, the taste and smell of him overwhelmed me and I became frantic to get his clothes off too. I felt hypnotized, as if I were in a dream, and I kept thinking, This is Matt, he’s mine now, mine, at last. I looked at him up close and he was more beautiful than I’d ever imagined, the shimmer of his lashes, the thin white scar that ran across his collarbone, the darkened hollow of his throat. Despite all of my experimentation, I’d never been naked with a man before, and Matt’s skin felt warm and rough. He must have taken care of the condoms somehow and then suddenly he was inside me. I gasped, but it hadn’t hurt as much as I’d expected it to and then I couldn’t think at all anymore.
When he finally came, he started to cry again. I held him tenderly in my arms. We lay there together, both breathing hard, returning to ourselves.
“I have to take care of Park now,” he said. “The view in front is very foggy.” He was talking about how unpredictable their future was now.
“You’ll be all right,” I said. I had his hand in both of mine and I squeezed it. “What about your pa? Is he going to-”
“No.”
“Where is he?”
“I don’t know.” He laughed a little to himself, bitterly. “My heart is so wounded that I’m vomiting blood. And he disappears, as usual, with another new girlfriend. My whole life, he’s never been around, never helped my ma out. I always had to be the man of the family, for Park, for Ma.” His voice cracked. “I can tell you, I am never going to be like him. I’ll be there for my own wife and kids through everything.”
That reminded me of his other responsibility. Although it jabbed my heart, I tried to sound nonchalant. “What about Vivian?”
“I never even told her he was alive.”
“No. I meant, what about Vivian and you?”
He gently stroked my temple. “No more Vivian. The moment Ma collapsed from her heart attack, I immediately knew that all I wanted was you. I had to see you. It’s always been you.”
I couldn’t keep the resentment from my voice. “It seemed to be Vivian for a long time.”
He turned away from me and stared at the cracked ceiling. “It was nice not to be treated like I had chicken pox for a change.”
I said stiffly, “That was only because I liked you.”
Now, in profile, I saw him smile. “Really? Sometimes I allowed myself to believe that. But all you did after we… umm, you know, in the bathroom that time… was ignore me.”
“You had a girlfriend, remember?”
“Well, it didn’t really help me get less confused. I’m not like you, Kimberly. I’m just a stupid guy. I’m not some hero from a kung fu movie come to save you from your life.”
“You don’t need to rescue us. I’m going to do it.”
He laughed. “I know, and you will too. Hey, and what about that wave-player you were with?” He meant the playboy, someone who frolics in the waves. At this, his nostrils flared. “If you let him touch you again, I’m going to twist his head all the way around.”
“Let’s keep things simple,” I said. “Just the two of us from now on.”
After he’d gone and I was trying to get the stains out of the blankets so Ma wouldn’t suspect anything when she came home, I stopped short, my hands flying to my mouth. There were the condoms. I should have known. The two condoms had rubbed against each other and they’d both torn. What a stupid idea of mine it’d been. Neither of us had even noticed.
THIRTEEN
Ma and I had been waiting for the decisions from the colleges to come, so we weren’t surprised when Aunt Paula called us into her office again. Her face was still and white underneath the foundation and powder. On the table in front of her were two fat envelopes from Yale. I stopped breathing for a moment. A rejection letter would be thin. One white business envelope was stuffed with documents and it was accompanied by a large yellow manila envelope, also from Yale.
“How is this possible?” Aunt Paula asked quietly.
“What?” Ma and I asked together.
“That Kimberly applied to Yeah-loo without my knowledge and permission.” “Yeah-loo” is the Cantonese pronunciation of “Yale.”
“Your permission?” I echoed, incredulous.
“I signed a legal document guaranteeing the both of you when I brought you here. I am responsible for you, and you are living in one of my apartments and working at my factory. You are not supposed to take one step without telling me.”
Despite my resolve to stay calm, my voice sounded furious. “Are you saying that you would have helped me if you’d known? Like you would have helped me with Harrison?”
“Of course! Everything I do is in your best interest.”
Ma tried to calm us both down. “Older sister, we don’t even know if Kimberly got in or not. Let’s not get overwrought.”
“Open that letter,” Aunt Paula said.
I would have defied her but I was desperate to know what was in it as well. I slit open the white business envelope. It contained a few forms and a cover letter. I read the letter aloud, simultaneously translating it into Chinese for Ma. My voice had a quaver in it. “ ‘Congratulations. You have been accepted…’ ”
Ma sat down abruptly in the chair across from Aunt Paula.
“You cannot go to Yeah-loo! I do not allow it!” Aunt Paula burst out.
I ignored her and opened the other envelope as well. It contained the financial aid documents. They’d given me a full financial aid package.
I clutched both envelopes to me, my cheeks burning like I had a fever. “Ma.”
She had her hands across her mouth, trying to contain both laughter and tears of joy. She got up and took me in her arms. I couldn’t stop hopping up and down, I was so excited.
Ma squeezed me tightly. “You did it. I always said you were special.”
“If people saw this display of sentimentality, their flesh would feel as if it’d been anesthetized.” Aunt Paula’s voice brought us back to reality. She meant it was embarrassing to see us acting this way.
Ma released me and turned to face her. “Ah-Kim has the right to go to whichever school she wants to. She’s earned it.”
Aunt Paula looked stunned; then she said, “Your hearts have no roots.” She meant we were ungrateful. To my astonishment, she started to sob. “I made myself an abandoned animal to open up the route to America for us.”
Ma walked around the desk to Aunt Paula and laid a hand on her shoulder. Aunt Paula shook Ma off. Her face, although still wet, was livid. “You always did whatever made you happy. Happy! How much rice can you earn with happiness? Marrying your principal, shirking your responsibilities. I took up your burden for you! I married Bob!”
“I would never have asked you to do that.” Ma’s low voice was gentle. “I thought you cared for him.”
“What did I know? I was just a young girl.” Tears began to run down Aunt Paula’s face again. “You don’t know how many hardships I’ve suffered to get to where we are now.”