I whispered to Matt, “So you used to scale fish here too?”
He looked embarrassed and said, “Nah. I’ve lived in Chinatown a long time, you get to know everyone.”
Ma commented later that she had never gotten such fresh sea bass, and so much of it too.
When we passed the guy at the newspaper stand, Matt would call out, “Hey, you need a break? I’ll take the stand for you while you take a leak.”
“No, Matt, but thanks.”
“How about I get you a cup of coffee, then?” Matt would look at me and say, “You mind? Poor man’s cooped up in there all day.”
I never minded. It only made me love him more.
I wanted Annette to meet him and she came to Chinatown to join us for a cup of tea. She was the only white person in the café and she insisted on having the most Chinese drink we could think of, which was red bean ice. It was also one of my favorites: cooked red beans and shaved ice mixed together with sweetened condensed milk.
“Are they going to give it to me the Chinese way?” she asked. “Did the waiter tell the cook it’s for a white person?”
Ever since I’d mentioned how some Chinese restaurants did that, Annette had worried about not getting authentic food.
“I already asked the waiter to give us everything without change,” Matt said. It was strange for me to hear him speak English, with a slight Chinese accent. A lock of his hair fell over his eyes and he smoothed it back with his hand.
“Thanks.” Annette grinned at me. “Now I see why you never fell in love with any of those guys at Harrison.”
I stepped on her foot under the table but it was already too late. “Which guys?” Matt asked.
“Nothing,” I said.
Annette giggled. “Kimberly, promise me we’ll see each other all the time next year.”
“I don’t know if I want to see a person who is so indiscreet.” I wrinkled my nose at her to show her I was kidding.
“I want to know about the guys,” Matt said.
“Oh look, the drinks are here,” I said.
One time, when Matt and I were walking down the street, I caught sight of Vivian in a flower shop we passed. If possible, she was even more beautiful than ever in her sorrow, with limpid eyes that looked as if the world had drowned in them. She happened to look up. When she saw us, she seemed heartbroken, her grief so complete that it left no room for anger. I thought, I never want to love someone like that, not even Matt, so much that there would be no room left for myself, so much that I wouldn’t be able to survive if he left me.
We were lying on his mattress in their apartment when Matt said to me, “Let’s just stay in Chinatown together.”
“What? You mean, not go to Yeah-loo?”
“School’s not that important anyway. Everything’s perfect now. We’re so happy. Stay with me. I’m earning enough. Step by step, we could build up a whole life together.”
There was no question: I wanted to be with Matt every day of the rest of my life. My heart ached for him whenever he wasn’t by my side. But it wasn’t that simple. Annette had given me her Yale catalog after I was accepted and I’d lingered on the photographs of their laboratories for a long time. They even had an astronomy observatory that any student could operate, simply by showing a Yale ID. Their professors were some of the most brilliant thinkers of our time. What would I be capable of after I had access to a place like this?
“Matt, I can’t give Yale up. Come with me. We could get an apartment close to school. You could get a job there, I’m sure. And later, I’ll become a professor or a doctor, and we can do the most exciting things together. Travel. Have adventures. It’ll take time but eventually maybe you wouldn’t even have to work.”
His face fell and I knew I’d said too much. He shook his head slowly, looking at his rough hands. “I want to take care of you, Kimberly, not the other way around. That’s how it should be.”
“In the old days!” I tried to keep my voice light. “Why does it matter who earns more or less? It’s like you said, what’s important is that we build up a good life together.”
“I guess what I really hate is the idea that you’ll be in your classes next to those wave-players like that one you had, and they’ll all be chasing you.”
“What?” This had never occurred to me and I had to laugh. “We’ll be studying. No one is going to notice me in that way.”
“You have no idea. I know what men are like, trust me.”
“You sound worse than Ma. Even if they did try anything, I wouldn’t care because I already have you.”
He took me in his arms and kissed me hard. “I can’t help being jealous of any guy who gets to be near you for any reason. I’ve never been this bad before. It’s new for me to feel like this about someone.”
In those days, I wanted to believe our love was something tangible and permanent, like a good luck charm I could always wear around my neck. Now I know that it was more like the wisp of smoke trailing off a stick of incense: most of what I could hold on to was the memory of the burning, the aftermath of its scent.
In a way, I had known from the moment I saw the broken condoms. And strangely enough, the first person I told was Curt. He must have known something was wrong when I asked to meet him again. He was waiting for me at our old spot under the bleachers, but he didn’t try to touch me when I sat down.
“You okay?” he asked.
We sat there in silence a moment and then I started to cry. Curt wrapped his arm around me and held me against his shoulder. We sat like that for some time, with his cheek against the top of my head while I sobbed. Finally, I wiped my eyes on my sleeve.
“Is it that dickhead?” he asked gently.
I nodded. “He’s not a-”
“Okay, okay.” There was another silence and then Curt said, “Three choices. One, he dumped you. Two, you dumped him. Three, you’re knocked up.”
At this, my eyes filled with tears again.
He bent his head forward so he could see my face. “Kimberly, you’ve got to be kidding.”
I buried my head in my hands. “I feel so lost. I’ve never felt like this before. All my hopes, everything I wanted. Gone.”
There was a pause, then Curt asked helpfully, “You want me to marry you?”
Despite my tears, I choked out a laugh.
“No, really,” he said. “I wouldn’t mind too much. And we know we’re compatible.” He twitched his eyebrows suggestively.
I was more surprised at the thought of carefree Curt getting married than the fact that he’d want to get married to me. “You? What about your fear of the suburbs and a stable life?”
“We wouldn’t have to do all that. I could be free with you, Kimberly.” He looked away. “I missed you, when you were… occupied.”
Now I looked at his lowered eyelashes, which were the same sandy gold as his hair. He was serious, more than he sounded. He continued. “We could start again, completely fresh.”
“Curt, I love you.” I paused. “But not like that. And you don’t love me that way either. Actually, we’re friends. Friends who fool around.”
He closed his eyes for a moment, then sighed. “Yeah. You want me to give you some money?”
“You’re the sweetest guy there is.” I put my hand against his unshaven face. “It’s not that I don’t need it, but I can’t take it from you.”
“C’mon, Kimberly. If you want, you can borrow it and pay me back whenever you can. Baby costs lots of dough, you know.”
At this, the panic reared in me and threatened to take over. I struggled to stay in control. I managed to smile. “I’ve already used you for your body. I draw the line at using you for your money.”
He whistled. “How can you be so ethical at a time like this?”
I frowned. “Ethical. If you knew the things that were going through my head… Oh, Curt, what am I going to do?”
“Have you told the dickhead yet?”