Sleeping in the attic made it easier for me to work there, but I still had little time to do so. I could get up earlier and go to bed later, but sometimes he gave me so much work that I had to find a way to go up in the afternoons, when I normally sat by the fire and sewed. I began to complain of not being able to see my stitching in the dim kitchen, and needing the light of my bright attic room. Or I said my stomach hurt and I wanted to lie down. Maria Thins gave me that same sideways look each time I made an excuse, but did not comment.
I began to get used to lying.
Once he had suggested that I sleep in the attic he left it to me to arrange my duties so that I could work for him. He never helped by lying for me, or asking me if I had time to spare for him. He gave me instructions in the morning and expected them to be done by the next day.
The colors themselves made up for the troubles I had hiding what I was doing. I came to love grinding the things he brought from the apothecarybones, white lead, madder, massicotto see how bright and pure I could get the colors. I learned that the finer the materials were ground, the deeper the color. From rough, dull grains madder became a fine bright red powder and, mixed with linseed oil, a sparkling paint. Making it and the other colors was magical.
From him I learned too how to wash substances to rid them of impurities and bring out the true colors. I used a series of shells as shallow bowls, and rinsed and rerinsed colors, sometimes thirty times, to get out the chalk or sand or gravel. It was long and tedious work, but very satisfying to see the color grow cleaner with each wash, and closer to what was needed.
The only color he did not allow me to handle was ultramarine. Lapis lazuli was so expensive, and the process of extracting a pure blue from the stone so difficult, that he worked with it himself.
I grew used to being around him. Sometimes we stood side by side in the small room, me grinding white lead, him washing lapis or burning ochers in the fire. He said little to me. He was a quiet man. I did not speak either. It was peaceful then, with the light coming in through the window. When we were done we poured water from a pitcher over each others hands and scrubbed ourselves clean.
It was very cold in the atticalthough there was the little fire he used for heating linseed oil or burning colors, I did not dare light it unless he wanted me to. Otherwise I would have to explain to Catharina and Maria Thins why peat and wood were disappearing so fast.
I did not mind the cold so much when he was there. When he stood close to me I could feel the warmth of his body.
I was washing a bit of massicot I had just ground one afternoon when I heard Maria Thins voice in the studio below. He was working on the painting, the bakers daughter sighing occasionally as she stood.
Are you cold, girl? Maria Thins asked.
A little, came the faint reply.
Why doesnt she have a footwarmer?
His voice was so low that I didnt hear his answer.
It wont show in the painting, not by her feet. We dont want her getting sick again.
Again I could not hear what he said.
Griet can get one for her, Maria Thins suggested. She should be in the attic, for shes meant to have a stomachache. Ill just find her.
She was quicker than I had thought an old woman could be. By the time I put my foot on the top rung she was halfway up the ladder. I stepped back into the attic. I could not escape her, and there was no time to hide anything.
When Maria Thins climbed into the room, she quickly took in the shells laid in rows on the table, the jug of water, the apron I wore speckled with yellow from the massicot.
So this is what youve been up to, eh, girl? I thought as much.
I lowered my eyes. I did not know what to say.
Stomachache, sore eyes. We are not all idiots around here, you know.
Ask him, I longed to tell her. He is my master. This is his doing.
But she did not call to him. Nor did he appear at the bottom of the ladder to explain.
There was a long silence. Then Maria Thins said, How long have you been assisting him, girl?
A few weeks, madam.
Hes been painting faster these last weeks, Ive noticed.
I raised my eyes. Her face was calculating.
You help him to paint faster, girl, she said in a low voice, and youll keep your place here. Not a word to my daughter or Tanneke, now.
Yes, madam.
She chuckled. I might have known, clever one that you are. You almost fooled even me. Now, get that poor girl down there a footwarmer.
I liked sleeping in the attic. There was no Crucifixion scene hanging at the foot of the bed to trouble me. There were no paintings at all, but the clean scent of linseed oil and the musk of the earth pigments. I liked my view of the New Church, and the quiet. No one came up except him. The girls did not visit me as they sometimes had in the cellar, or secretly search through my things. I felt alone there, perched high above the noisy household, able to see it from a distance.
Rather like him.
The best part, however, was that I could spend more time in the studio. Sometimes I wrapped myself in a blanket and crept down late at night when the house was still. I looked at the painting he was working on by candlelight, or opened a shutter a little to let in moonlight. Sometimes I sat in the dark in one of the lion-head chairs pulled up to the table and rested my elbow on the blue and red table rug that covered it. I imagined wearing the yellow and black bodice and pearls, holding a glass of wine, sitting across the table from him.
There was one thing I did not like about the attic, however. I did not like being locked in at night.
Catharina had got the studio key back from Maria Thins and began to lock and unlock the door. She must have felt it gave her some control over me. She was not happy about my being in the atticit meant I was closer to him, to the place she was not allowed in but where I could wander freely.
It must have been hard for a wife to accept such an arrangement.
It worked for a time, however. For a time I was able to slip away in the afternoons and wash and grind colors for him. Catharina often slept thenFranciscus had not settled, and woke her most nights so that she needed sleep during the day. Tanneke usually fell asleep by the fire as well, and I could leave the kitchen without always having to make up an excuse. The girls were busy with Johannes, teaching him to walk and talk, and rarely noticed my absence. If they did Maria Thins said I was running an errand for her, fetching things from her rooms, or sewing something for her that needed bright attic light to work by. They were children, after all, absorbed in their own world, indifferent to the adult lives around them except when it directly affected them.
Or so I thought.
One afternoon I was washing white lead when Cornelia called my name from downstairs. I quickly wiped my hands, removed the apron I wore for attic work and changed into my daily apron before climbing down the ladder to her. She stood on the threshold of the studio, looking as if she were standing at the edge of a puddle and tempted to step in it.
What is it? I spoke rather sharply.
Tanneke wants you. Cornelia turned and led the way to the stairs. She hesitated at the top. Will you help me, Griet? she asked plaintively. Go first so that if I fall you will catch me. The stairs are so steep.
It was unlike her to be scared, even on stairs she did not use much. I was touched, or perhaps I was simply feeling guilty for being sharp with her. I descended the stairs, then turned and held out my arms. Now you.
Cornelia was standing at the top, hands in her pockets. She started down the stairs, one hand on the banister, the other balled into a tight fist. When she was most of the way down she let go and jumped so that she fell against me, sliding down my front, pressing painfully into my stomach. Once she regained her feet she began to laugh, head thrown up, brown eyes narrowed to slits.