she had to go
Dominique said the women seemed very laid back, not the ball-breakers of her imagination, although there was nothing wrong with ball-breakers, she’d even been accused of it herself
there’s no need to be breaking balls here, Dominique (what a pretty name you have), because there are no men here, which is why we come across as serene to you, we can just be ourselves, reclaiming the Feminine Divine, connecting to and protecting Mother Earth, sharing our resources, making decisions communally but maintaining our privacy and autonomy, self-healing the female body and psyche with yoga, martial arts, walking, running, meditation, spiritual practice
whatever works for each one of us
Dominique chatted freely, moving at ease between the women, as fascinated with them as they were with her, a black British woman, a rarity in these parts, they commented, visibly appraising her favourably
she was used to that, and enjoyed it
Nzinga stayed in her seat on the veranda all night, grim-faced, people approached her warily as a result, whenever Dominique looked over, she noticed Nzinga monitoring her every movement, although it didn’t stop her mingling, enjoying a conversation with a stunning Native American woman called Esther, who wore a figure-hugging jumpsuit, who taught Ashtanga yoga to women in town, who hoped Dominique would come to her sixty-fifth birthday party
I’d love to, Dominique replied, complimenting Esther on looking so great for her age, just as Nzinga unexpectedly tapped her on the shoulder
we have to go
really?
they walked back to their house in the dark on paths that cut through the fields either side of them, Nzinga beamed the torch ahead, Dominique felt happily removed from her customary life in London in this quite special place, was she going to go all hippy-dippy, too?
Nzinga was quiet for a while, then declared it’s better if we don’t socialize any more, once is enough, I’m here to be with you, not them, and I can only take so much of the fake friendship of white women and their flunkies, if they invite you to their talking circle say no, it’s a ruse to find out your private business and use it against you at a later date
remember we’re here to work, it’ll only mess things up if we blur the boundaries, and trust me, don’t believe all that Mother Earth bullshit, I’ve been around enough of these women’s communities to know these witches are as malevolent as any other person out there
why are we here if you’re so critical of them? Dominique asked
because I don’t want to live in a man’s world
they continued talking and walking, feet crunching on stony ground
with me, you’re safe, Nzinga said, although Dominique wasn’t feeling particularly unsafe
with me, you’re complete, although Dominique wasn’t feeling incomplete
with me, you’re home, because home is a person and not a place
Nzinga said she’d been thinking about renaming Dominique as Sojourner, a feminist re-baptism, after Sojourner Truth, the anti-slavery activist, proceeding to deliver a potted history, although Dominique knew exactly who the legendary abolitionist was, as every self-respecting black feminist did, and said so
she still got the lecture
it will be a feminist awakening of your new self, Nzinga explained, having a name more appropriate than a feminized Dominic
I like my name
so keep it, I’ll call you Sojourner anyway, daaarlin’
Dominique decided Nzinga could call her what she liked, she wasn’t going to answer to bloody Sojourner or any other name, Nzinga was showing signs of being a bit odd, perhaps Amma was right when she’d warned her, don’t go to America with that woman, Dom, you’ll regret it
the veranda light of their log cabin emerged out of the darkness, Nzinga said the dark wasn’t something to be feared when staying on land occupied only by women
Dominique thought rapists and serial killers didn’t need to be brain surgeons to surmount a high fence to get to their prey
they lit candles in the bedroom, made love, Nzinga said it was how they shared their deepest connection, Dominique agreed to that, sex with Nzinga was a wholly enjoyable experience in that Nzinga mainly serviced her, which she discovered she liked, as opposed to the more egalitarian actualities of her sexual past, which now seemed unfulfilling, although not at the time
as they lay awake afterwards in each other’s arms, Dominique did feel complete, or at least more complete
Nzinga stared up at the low beams of the timber ceiling and told Dominique she’d earned the right to hear more about her life, starting with Roz, her first partner, now it was clear they were going to spend the rest of their lives together
Dominique thought that was premature
a lifetime was a vast distance into the unknowable future
when you’re still only in your twenties
it’s early days yet, Nzinga
she wanted to say
it was on wimmin’s land in Oregon where Nzinga met Roz who she thought was the love of her life, an older white woman who showed her that women were much happier without men
Roz was a builder of everything from garden sheds to tree houses to cabins to large houses and barns, Nzinga was apprenticed to her
for the first few years she felt cherished, blessed
it was a pretty idyllic existence working together during the day, loving together at night, until she discovered Roz was a lapsed alcoholic who kept it secret, it came out when Nzinga found Roz’s secret stash of gin which she was working her way through while Nzinga slept
after the first confrontation, nothing Nzinga could do was right
they fought, first verbally, then physically, ornaments were smashed, furniture upturned, curtains ripped off, window panes cracked, one night Roz was rushed to hospital, a broken bone, minor head contusions, nothing major, nothing life-threatening
the (all white, of course) women’s community blamed Nzinga, said they’d had enough and it was time for her to go, which was deeply unfair
she was callously evicted, packed her belongings into a single rucksack, was escorted to the gates and ejected into the outside world
it took her years to get over the injustice of it
Nzinga hit the road, hired herself out to women’s communities on the Eastern seaboard, recovered emotionally, had a couple of relationships that ended badly when people revealed their true selves, decided to go searching for a true soul sister, which took years
I had to travel all the way to London to find her
you – Sojourner
Nzinga turned to face Dominique, pillow to pillow, cupped her cheeks in her large, strong hands
now that I’ve opened up to you, let’s agree not to keep any secrets between us from now on, I want to know everything about you and you will know everything about me
agree?
Dominique nodded, aware, however, that turning her head from side to side was practically impossible because it was held in the iron clamp of Nzinga’s hands, no longer just warm and romantic but mechanical
do you still love me?
more than ever, Dominique replied honestly, even more admiring of Nzinga for her honesty and strength in surmounting such trials
she was grateful that such a woman had chosen her
or rather
as Nzinga said, love chose them.
4
A few months in and the love that chose them was too often tumultuous
they were arguing more than Dominique ever had in her life, to the point where she wondered about the truth of Nzinga’s break-up with Roz
Nzinga never saw herself as less than faultless
the problem with you, Sojourner, is that you’re used to leading instead of being led, she’d say, remember you’re my apprentice – in housebuilding, in living a truly radical separatist feminist lesbian life, in steering clear of the enemy, in living free of chemical toxins, in living off the soil and on the soil, it really won’t work if you insist on fighting me at every turn