Nzinga pulled her closer, kissed her noisily on the cheek, good girl.
8
After Dominique and Nzinga had completed ten new properties at Spirit Moon, Nzinga wangled a deal with Gaia to stay in their home until they could secure a contract elsewhere
there was nothing to do except be with each other all day
Dominique should have sloped off then because the relationship was already irreparable, but she found herself unable to make such a big decision when she’d lost the ability to make even the smallest ones, such as what she ate and wore, and who she was allowed to speak to
she became wrapped up in the nightmare cocoon of Nzinga’s increasing paranoia
these women are out to destroy our great love affair, Sojourner
when she came across the other women, Nzinga was at her side so she couldn’t really speak freely to them or she’d be told off later for saying the wrong thing
even her morning trips to fetch bread from Tilley provoked another all-night rant after Nzinga followed her, analysed their body language from a distance and decided they were flirting
Nzinga announced she’d fetch the bread herself from now on, she also went into town on her own to do the weekly shop because of Dominique’s imagined behaviour around men and no, not getting you any chocolate as a special treat, it’s bad for you, and did she really need to see the dentist (who was a man), or was it a ruse?
the day Nzinga punched Dominique on the arm was the day she thought she’d leave, reasoned it was a one-off, discovered it wasn’t when a single punch progressed into multiple ones
Dominique didn’t want to escalate Nzinga’s aggression by fighting back, until she confessed to herself she didn’t really have it in her to do so, she was genuinely non-violent
when she tried to storm out of the house to get away during rows, Nzinga blocked the door with her imposing size, legs astride, ordered her to sit down on a chair and breathe deeply, Sojourner, breathe deeply, rid yourself of this negative energy, the world is dangerous out there
all day Nzinga’s voice megaphoned into Dominique’s consciousness, resounding, pounding, she spent such little time alone, she forgot how to spend time alone, she took to sleeping in late and going to bed early, she hated being outside in the unrelenting brilliance of sunshine
when she wasn’t sleeping, she was staring into space
it was a Saturday morning, Nzinga had headed into town in the truck to do the weekly shop, saying she’d be gone all day – a test, she usually returned after a couple of hours and snuck up to the cabin on foot to see what Dominique was getting up to
this time, as soon as she left, Gaia appeared outside their home on her moped, as if she’d been parked up somewhere waiting for Nzinga to leave; Dominique heard the engine first, nobody ever came by, who was this?
she watched Gaia walk towards the cabin
Gaia said, we’re concerned about what’s happening here, you’re not the woman you were when you arrived, you haven’t been spotted for over a month, is everything okay?
everything’s fine, Dominique replied, standing at the door, not daring to open it too widely
Gaia stared at her with the knowledge and wisdom of having spent her entire adult life surrounded only by women, she sat on the steps
Dominique, come sit with me
we know what she’s like, Gaia said, we’ve all experienced her wrath, her unreasonableness, her general animosity towards the world, to us, you can talk to me
Dominique resisted saying anything, it would be such a betrayal of Nzinga who insisted on complete loyalty all the while pinching her arm so hard it bruised so that she’d remember to never and I mean never talk to anyone about me or our relationship
you can talk to me, Gaia repeated, laying a light hand on Dominique’s own, transmitting compassionate strength to her, until Dominique felt herself softening and admitted to Gaia, as much as to herself, that yes, she was trapped in a relationship with a violent woman of unsound mind with no foreseeable way out
in betraying Nzinga, she was at last being true to herself
Gaia comforted her, we will help you get away, okay?
really?
do you have any funds?
she never got round to adding my name to what was supposed to be a joint bank account, and asking for my share of our savings will be tantamount to telling her I’m leaving her and I don’t know what will happen then
I can loan you enough money to get yourself sorted, where do you want to go, back to England?
not really, at least not yet, I can’t face the humiliation and I’d like to see more of America
I have friends in West Hollywood who will put you up until you have plans, pay me back when you can, do you have your passport?
Nzinga keeps it safe for me – I know her hiding place
we’ll come by this time next Saturday
to drive you to the airport.
9
It took years for Dominique to stop beating herself up for staying with Nzinga for as long as she did – nearly three years, three years
how could she have been so weak when she’d been so strong, and was again after she left her?
grateful to go back to the self she had lost
after Spirit Moon, she stayed with Gaia’s lawyer friends, Maya and Jessica, who welcomed her the afternoon she arrived with a meal of fresh salads and a peaceful little yellow room at the back of their expensive property overlooking their orange and lemon grove
that first night Dominique felt disoriented, Nzinga was still in her head, in fact she squatted it illegally for a very long time
she often had nightmares of her coming at her through the bedroom window brandishing the hunting knife she’d had when they met, which she’d kept under the mattress
the next day Maya and Jessica asked her what she’d like for dinner, Dominique wasn’t used to having a choice, spent ages deliberating; in the end they indulged her wishes and barbecued a meat medley of burger, turkey drumsticks, sausages, pork, lamb chops and steak – with salad
after a few bites she ended up running to the loo to throw up, returned and picked at the salad
that evening she stayed up late with the two women who’d met each other at art school, swapped their careers as impoverished artists to pursue corporate law, forwent job satisfaction in order to earn big bucks and work eighteen hour days that killed their creativity
they planned to retire at fifty, resurrect their artistic selves, if it’s not too late
they were enthralled to hear about her theatre and clubbing life in London, admired the fact that she and Amma had chosen a creative path even when it was financially unstable and they’d probably never be homeowners or have a pension
Dominique sat with them in their warm grove drinking delicious wine late into the night
it was like a sedative was wearing off and she felt herself surging with energy
she was hyper, she was high, she was coming back to life.
10
Dominique fell in love with the West Coast, entered into a marriage of convenience with a gay man, assisted by Maya and Jessica who loaned her the cost
her English accent was a huge selling point in her dealings with Americans, it elevated her, as did her model looks (she was told often enough) and cool biker style, lesbians in particular wanted to help her, to open doors for her, to be part of what they thought she represented
Maya and Jessica allowed her to live cheaply at theirs for a couple of years until she found her feet
her first job was working in admin for a film company, a stepping stone to producing live arts events
she felt blessed that she could quickly establish herself, and once she was, invited Amma to visit
who never said an outright, I told you so
Dominique also attended a weekly counselling group for female survivors of domestic abuse
as the weeks passed she heard people share their life stories and reach life-changing epiphanies