she called everyone who knew him and found out he’d gone abroad somewhere
LaTisha sat by the living room window waiting for him to come home, Jayla stayed in her room
the whole of that Monday night, LaTisha sat there, dozing off, waking up when foxes started fighting, or a neighbour’s car pulled up or people walked past talking loudly
the whole of Tuesday, and that night, too, the whole of Wednesday
Mummy didn’t force her and Jayla to go to school because she was in a right state herself, took compassionate leave, her sister Aunty Angie came round and took over the cooking and consoling duties, forced LaTisha to have a bath, eat, clean her teeth, forced her to go to bed the fourth night she went to sit by the window
that night LaTisha took Daddy’s dressing gown from the back of the bathroom door and slept inside it, smelling his sweat and deodorant, feeling his arms around her
weeks later, Mummy reached him on the phone and screamed down it
he couldn’t provide a viable excuse, LaTisha heard her tell Aunty Angie, who said he was obviously with another woman, usually the reason men left their families
he’d said he wasn’t coming back, Angie, not now, not ever, I thought he was a big softie, I realize I don’t know him
Angie dug around and discovered he’d gone to live in New Jersey with Marva, one of Mummy’s friends from work, who’d grown up there
Tiannah, her cute four-year-old daughter, was his
Mummy took down all photos of him, burned his remaining clothes, threw away his favourite things like his mug, Imperial Leather soap, old flannel
LaTisha and Jayla were never to speak of him again, he doesn’t exist any more
except the ghost of him did, LaTisha could see and feel him everywhere
at the kitchen table telling them the stories her mother said were exaggerations if not downright fabrications
in the downstairs hallway when he came in and called out, Daddy’s home! knowing her and Jayla would drop whatever they were doing to be the first to rush up and hug him hello
in the living room in his special armchair with the electronic leg rest, hearing him snore and wake up with a start when they tickled him
all of them dancing to soul and Motown albums at birthday parties and at Christmas, and to reggae on Sunday evenings
his bulk filling the corridor upstairs, the game she and Jayla played when little of running under his legs to get past him before he could clamp them shut
hearing his voice booming downstairs when she was upstairs
she even missed him banging on the bathroom door to hurry up and why do I have to live with three ooman who take so rahtid long to do their tings?
her mother started to overeat, crept downstairs in the middle of the night to raid the fridge, snuck gin into her water from breakfast onwards, thinking they didn’t notice, or the bottle going down
or a new one in her shopping bag
every two days
then Mummy sat them down either side of her on the sofa in the living room and told her and Jayla that it was time for them to know the truth
Jayla, your father is a previous boyfriend of mine called Jimmi who turned violent, when he tried to throw me down the stairs, I caught the train from Liverpool to London that evening
he never knew I was carrying his child and I’ve not seen him since
she fell for Glenmore in the last weeks of her pregnancy
he said he’d love the child as his own
Jayla wouldn’t talk to LaTisha about it, stayed inside her room even more, played computer games when she wasn’t at school and when LaTisha went in to sit on her bed and chat like they used to, she was told to shut the door when you leave without Jayla even looking up from her computer
one morning when they were all having breakfast together, Jayla said she wanted to meet her dad, the man you’ve kept from me my entire life, Mummy – who rooted out the address of his parents, you shouldn’t go, Jayla, he’s bad news
Aunty Angie took Jayla to Liverpool, they turned up on the doorstep of the house where he grew up, his mother was taken aback when she revealed who she was, had to admit she was the spitting of Jimmi
Jayla could tell she wasn’t pleased to see her
she called Jimmi on the phone in the hallway, told him to come and meet his daughter, another one, she heard her whisper
he cyan’t meet you, she said when she walked back into the room, he’s got enough children, don’t need no more
you’re better off without him in your life
when Jayla returned home distraught, LaTisha told her to forget him, he’s another bastard, like Daddy
when Daddy phoned LaTisha on her birthday, nearly a year later, he cried down the phone, he’d done it because he realized he loved Marva more than Pauline
that don’t mean I doan love you and Jayla, y’unnerstan?
she put the phone down on him.
2
Losing her dad the way she did was something LaTisha never talked about; whenever people asked, she told them he’d died of a heart attack
it was easier than explaining what had happened, people thinking there must be something wrong with her and her family
else why would he leave?
she ran wild, hated school, couldn’t concentrate, even Mummy couldn’t control her and she was a social worker, I’m sending you home to Jamaica where they’ll beat sense into you, LaTisha
yeh, whatevs, I could do with a Caribbean holiday
then she threw the legendary party when she was thirteen, except her mother came home too early the next morning when she was supposed to return home that evening
when the house would’ve been cleaned up, so whose fault was it really?
LaTisha was asleep with a boy in her bed (name? can’t remember)
furniture was upturned, drink and sick stains, smoke burns, a ripped curtain, a broken lamp, plastic cups, scattered ash and cigarette butts because as the party had progressed deep into the night, with a load of strangers piling in, she’d given up trying to make people behave and not get waved
what the flamin’ heck
she joined them
bwoy! she got the beats of her life that day
her mother, who supposedly didn’t believe in corporal punishment, went at her like a nut job with a belt and a saucepan and a shoe and an iron that nicked her under the chin, at this point LaTisha realized she was in the danger zone and rushed out of the house
she went and sat on the swings in the park for the rest of the day
had to tolerate people poking their nose in, are you all right, dear? including the man who lived alone down the road and never spoke to nobody
who invited her into his flat for a cup of tea and cake
as if she was a gormless mug
it was what her mum later called a ‘turning point’ in their relationship
LaTisha called it GBH, but wisely kept her mouth shut, promised to behave from then on, which she did, at home, didn’t want to be maimed for life, or even lose it
not at school, though, which was as shit as ever, where she made the most of a bad job with Chloe and Lauren who were also there for the laughs
Carole, too, until she went cold on her crew
who didn’t want to hang out with them as much, until she just didn’t hang out with them full stop, as if someone had told her that the whole point of school was to work hard and be miserable
the opposite of her crew’s manifesto
Carole became the swottiest of the paperpushers, won prizes, went completely up her own arse, as well as up Fuck Face’s
when Lauren saw Carole on the tube a few years ago in the rush hour, she pretended not to see her, I swear to God, LaTisha, I was eyeballing her inches from her face and she looked right through me
LaTisha found Carole online just the other day, Vice President of a bank (shut UP!)