well I think you’re amazing, and now I’m going to sit with Mum, the only time I don’t have to worry about her is when she’s here, the rest of the time I dread she’s going to have a stroke from the stress of her job
don’t you be worrying about our Shirl, Rachel, she enjoys having something to complain about
once the family was back London in the sixties, they settled in Peckham, bought a bomb-damaged house, did it up over the decades
there was no more talk about haring off to places where they wasn’t wanted
Clovis had three main preoccupations: going to work, raising the children, doing up the house
he discovered he liked DIY, like most men of his generation who spent their weekends being handymen
wore dark blue overalls and learned from manuals how to plaster, plumb and do electrics, bricklaying, carpentry
at first Winsome liked that she could almost predict how a year would pan out from the start of it to the end of it
barring aberrations like a roof leaking or a child rushed to hospital with appendicitis
in time they were able to joke about their adventures in the south-west, when Clovis was young and foolhardy (he admitted), and she was so vexed with him
what she couldn’t predict was that once her husband was domesticated, she began to wish he had more get up and go
Winsome had wanted safety and stability when she was new to England and Clovis represented familiarity, he paid her attention, was nice to her, she fell for him when she needed someone
it had matured into love, there being much to like and admire about her husband – he was never cruel, never strayed into other women’s beds, was accommodating and sensitive to her needs
the problem was what he wasn’t – exciting
when Shirley brought Lennox home for tea that first time when they were students, it was like one of the older Jackson Five lads was standing in her hallway
he was so vigorous and bulged with youthfulness, literally, his flared trousers were very tight
Winsome found herself feeling something she’d never felt for Clovis – a bursting sexual desire, passion, whatever they call it
she tried hard not to stare at his chocolatey skin that was so lickable, or into the pure whites of his intelligent eyes, whereas Clovis had yellowed eye whites from a childhood spent in the glare of the sun at sea
he had a neatly-clipped small afro, a figure-hugging shirt showed off his perfect torso
she wanted to run her hands all over him, massage his balls, feel him harden at her touch
Clovis ushered everyone into the sitting room where they gawped at this young man over their cups of cocoa tea
the two lovebirds sat holding hands on the sofa, while her and Clovis sat on armchairs making polite chit-chat
Clovis deepened his voice, she noticed, wanting to impress this university student
it was obvious Shirley was smitten with Lennox, who was going to become a solicitor, she’d already told them proudly, and then he’d become a barrister and maybe even a judge one day
what a catch he was
lucky Shirley
before you knew it, they was all back in the hallway with the customary nice to meet yous and thank yous and you must come agains
her and Clovis waved them off as they made their way across Peckham Rye towards the station, and thereafter King’s Cross and then the train back to Leeds
Winsome shut the door and began to climb the stairs to their bedroom, I got a likkle headache, she called out to Clovis, who didn’t hear as he was already in the kitchen tuning into a pirate reggae radio station
she lay down on their bed
what on earth was going on?
maybe it was the onset of the change that made women more emotional, it would pass just as the menopause would
leaving her with her depleted oestrogen
and dying ovaries
except she didn’t want it to, encouraged Shirley to come home more often for the weekend, of course you can bring Lennox with you
who kissed her on two cheeks in greeting
who put his arms around her affectionately when he was in the house, delighting Shirley that her mother and boyfriend had such a rapport
she liked the way his arms slipped around her waist when they walked in couple formation back from a trip to the cinema or a meal out, Clovis and Shirley striding ahead through the night streets of Peckham, her and Lennox trailing behind
she initiated sex more often with Clovis to get the frustration out of her system
Clovis, whose schooling ended when he was fourteen, didn’t hold up well in comparison to Lennox who used long words like accountability, restitution and quid pro quo
words she had to look up in the dictionary
Clovis wasn’t interested in socializing beyond family get-togethers, he’d stopped drinking when they returned to London, he wasn’t interested in going to see films or going to parties and having fun into the early hours the way Shirley and Lennox did lying in bed late on Sunday mornings drinking real coffee from a percolator while reading the newspapers, as Shirley reported back, before going out for brunch, Mum
Winsome had never even heard of brunch
she wished her body was as shapely as her young daughter’s
she wished she’d had the education and choices Shirley had that meant Shirley could attract a man who was both a dish and ambitious
who married her and became the father of Rachel and Karen
who she babysat a lot more than she needed to because Lennox would drive her home afterwards
who sometimes put his hand on her knee for emphasis when he spoke to her in the car
whose goodbye kisses lingered a little too long, his soft lips full on
or was she imagining it?
she reassured herself her attraction to Lennox wasn’t a betrayal of Clovis or Shirley because it wasn’t acted upon
if it was, that would be different
if he turned up on her doorstep one day when Clovis was out and pounced on her
she would not have been able to resist
nor did she
when he rang her bell one afternoon, knowing she was on the late shift and at home, and Clovis was on the early shift
he’d taken the afternoon off, shut the door behind him and kissed her the way Clovis never did because when they first met he’d said full-on kissing was unhygienic
she made sure her tongue stayed in her mouth after that
it had never made contact with another human until now
Lennox untied the pinafore she wore to do the housework (polishing the banisters) and unbuttoned the summer dress she wore underneath it
he dragged off her nylon slip and the stockings held up with suspenders because she was old-fashioned and hated the discomfort of tights rubbing between her thighs giving her a rash that needed to be soothed with Vaseline
he seemed to like what he saw, as she discovered herself through his hands, his body through hers
she got so wet it trickled down her legs
who was this woman letting her son-in-law do her every which way?
who was this woman who took him into her mouth and enjoyed it? when the only time she did it to Clovis she had thrown up afterwards?
who was this woman who kept up with this young man who exploded multiple times inside her because he was virile and could go on forever and so could she until they died from exhaustion because she was completely out of her mind and inside her body?
until
the alarm in the kitchen went
she had to collect Karen and Rachel from the nursery
they showered and dressed themselves
left the house
separately
him
first
that night she couldn’t sleep
she went to war with her morals on behalf of her feelings
guess which side won?
she was nearly fifty
she deserved to have this
him
that Sunday after family lunch, she made sure they were alone in the kitchen doing the dishes and arranged to meet him that week
and so it continued for over a year