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well I think you’re amazing, and now I’m going to sit with Mum, the only time I don’t have to worry about her is when she’s here, the rest of the time I dread she’s going to have a stroke from the stress of her job

don’t you be worrying about our Shirl, Rachel, she enjoys having something to complain about

once the family was back London in the sixties, they settled in Peckham, bought a bomb-damaged house, did it up over the decades

there was no more talk about haring off to places where they wasn’t wanted

Clovis had three main preoccupations: going to work, raising the children, doing up the house

he discovered he liked DIY, like most men of his generation who spent their weekends being handymen

wore dark blue overalls and learned from manuals how to plaster, plumb and do electrics, bricklaying, carpentry

at first Winsome liked that she could almost predict how a year would pan out from the start of it to the end of it

barring aberrations like a roof leaking or a child rushed to hospital with appendicitis

in time they were able to joke about their adventures in the south-west, when Clovis was young and foolhardy (he admitted), and she was so vexed with him

what she couldn’t predict was that once her husband was domesticated, she began to wish he had more get up and go

Winsome had wanted safety and stability when she was new to England and Clovis represented familiarity, he paid her attention, was nice to her, she fell for him when she needed someone

it had matured into love, there being much to like and admire about her husband – he was never cruel, never strayed into other women’s beds, was accommodating and sensitive to her needs

the problem was what he wasn’t – exciting

when Shirley brought Lennox home for tea that first time when they were students, it was like one of the older Jackson Five lads was standing in her hallway

he was so vigorous and bulged with youthfulness, literally, his flared trousers were very tight

Winsome found herself feeling something she’d never felt for Clovis – a bursting sexual desire, passion, whatever they call it

she tried hard not to stare at his chocolatey skin that was so lickable, or into the pure whites of his intelligent eyes, whereas Clovis had yellowed eye whites from a childhood spent in the glare of the sun at sea

he had a neatly-clipped small afro, a figure-hugging shirt showed off his perfect torso

she wanted to run her hands all over him, massage his balls, feel him harden at her touch

Clovis ushered everyone into the sitting room where they gawped at this young man over their cups of cocoa tea

the two lovebirds sat holding hands on the sofa, while her and Clovis sat on armchairs making polite chit-chat

Clovis deepened his voice, she noticed, wanting to impress this university student

it was obvious Shirley was smitten with Lennox, who was going to become a solicitor, she’d already told them proudly, and then he’d become a barrister and maybe even a judge one day

what a catch he was

lucky Shirley

before you knew it, they was all back in the hallway with the customary nice to meet yous and thank yous and you must come agains

her and Clovis waved them off as they made their way across Peckham Rye towards the station, and thereafter King’s Cross and then the train back to Leeds

Winsome shut the door and began to climb the stairs to their bedroom, I got a likkle headache, she called out to Clovis, who didn’t hear as he was already in the kitchen tuning into a pirate reggae radio station

she lay down on their bed

what on earth was going on?

maybe it was the onset of the change that made women more emotional, it would pass just as the menopause would

leaving her with her depleted oestrogen

and dying ovaries

except she didn’t want it to, encouraged Shirley to come home more often for the weekend, of course you can bring Lennox with you

who kissed her on two cheeks in greeting

who put his arms around her affectionately when he was in the house, delighting Shirley that her mother and boyfriend had such a rapport

she liked the way his arms slipped around her waist when they walked in couple formation back from a trip to the cinema or a meal out, Clovis and Shirley striding ahead through the night streets of Peckham, her and Lennox trailing behind

she initiated sex more often with Clovis to get the frustration out of her system

Clovis, whose schooling ended when he was fourteen, didn’t hold up well in comparison to Lennox who used long words like accountability, restitution and quid pro quo

words she had to look up in the dictionary

Clovis wasn’t interested in socializing beyond family get-togethers, he’d stopped drinking when they returned to London, he wasn’t interested in going to see films or going to parties and having fun into the early hours the way Shirley and Lennox did lying in bed late on Sunday mornings drinking real coffee from a percolator while reading the newspapers, as Shirley reported back, before going out for brunch, Mum

Winsome had never even heard of brunch

she wished her body was as shapely as her young daughter’s

she wished she’d had the education and choices Shirley had that meant Shirley could attract a man who was both a dish and ambitious

who married her and became the father of Rachel and Karen

who she babysat a lot more than she needed to because Lennox would drive her home afterwards

who sometimes put his hand on her knee for emphasis when he spoke to her in the car

whose goodbye kisses lingered a little too long, his soft lips full on

or was she imagining it?

she reassured herself her attraction to Lennox wasn’t a betrayal of Clovis or Shirley because it wasn’t acted upon

if it was, that would be different

if he turned up on her doorstep one day when Clovis was out and pounced on her

she would not have been able to resist

nor did she

when he rang her bell one afternoon, knowing she was on the late shift and at home, and Clovis was on the early shift

he’d taken the afternoon off, shut the door behind him and kissed her the way Clovis never did because when they first met he’d said full-on kissing was unhygienic

she made sure her tongue stayed in her mouth after that

it had never made contact with another human until now

Lennox untied the pinafore she wore to do the housework (polishing the banisters) and unbuttoned the summer dress she wore underneath it

he dragged off her nylon slip and the stockings held up with suspenders because she was old-fashioned and hated the discomfort of tights rubbing between her thighs giving her a rash that needed to be soothed with Vaseline

he seemed to like what he saw, as she discovered herself through his hands, his body through hers

she got so wet it trickled down her legs

who was this woman letting her son-in-law do her every which way?

who was this woman who took him into her mouth and enjoyed it? when the only time she did it to Clovis she had thrown up afterwards?

who was this woman who kept up with this young man who exploded multiple times inside her because he was virile and could go on forever and so could she until they died from exhaustion because she was completely out of her mind and inside her body?

until

the alarm in the kitchen went

she had to collect Karen and Rachel from the nursery

they showered and dressed themselves

left the house

separately

him

first

that night she couldn’t sleep

she went to war with her morals on behalf of her feelings

guess which side won?

she was nearly fifty

she deserved to have this

him

that Sunday after family lunch, she made sure they were alone in the kitchen doing the dishes and arranged to meet him that week

and so it continued for over a year