she was flattered he should care so much
nor did he try to impose old-fashioned values on her like horrid Giles, a Tyrannosaurus Brute who believed in the superiority of the male species
Phillip was a man in touch with modernity
a New Man
as she wrote in her diary
so far so good
until she noticed Phillip’s benevolent probing had a tendency to turn into intrusive interrogations when she did things he didn’t like or when he couldn’t get his own way
especially when she expressed herself frankly which, as a liberated woman to a liberated man, should have been quite acceptable
let’s find out what’s prompting this negative behaviour, shall we? he’d ask, leaning forward in his chair, the half-eaten dinner on the dining table between them, staring so deeply into her eyes she felt, how to describe it? psychologically raped, yes, that was it
what happened to you as a child, Penny? he’d ask, it’s clear you have abandonment issues, let’s unearth your subconscious memory, shall we?
I’d rather my subconscious memory remain just that, she replied
then let’s uncover your repressed sexual desires to see what’s holding you back from being a better person?
or
I want you to dig deep, Penny, in order to understand why you obsessively clean the toilet three times a day?
I do it because you piss on the seat, darling, she snapped back
when he asked her why she was equally obsessive about sweeping the kitchen floor?
I do it because you drop toast and biscuit crumbs on it that are trailed through the rest of the house
when he asked her why she didn’t rinse off the wine glasses before stacking them on the draining board?
she responded by flinging them on the floor
when he asked why she didn’t like his friends (with their black-framed glasses, black rollneck jumpers and smug intellects), she replied, to be honest, Phil, they’re not my type, resisting the urge to add, like you, I think, like you
when he asked why she objected to his Playboy subscription when he thought she approved of the Sexual Revolution, didn’t she want a liberated man after all? was she really such an old-fashioned fuddy-duddy?
she responded by taking a pile of them into the garden and feeding them to a burning mound of crackling autumn leaves and trimmed bracken
then he accused her of drinking too much, there were two Pennys: the Sober One was logical, whereas the Drunk Sister was irrational
she told him he was being absolutely ludicrous and a bottle of wine a night is not overdoing it, Phil, what about the Scandinavians with their vodkas for breakfast or the Mediterraneans with their wine with lunch and dinner? and another thing, why was it all right for you to drink in the pub with your friends of an evening but not all right for me to go continental in the privacy of my own home? you should be grateful to have a wife with such sophisticated European habits
now pass the walnut loaf, Camembert and fig chutney, darling
Penelope came to the conclusion that marrying someone when you’re in love with them was perhaps not such a good idea, better to wait a few years (ten, twenty, thirty, never?) to see if you’re still compatible after the passion has subsided and reality set in
she admitted to herself that things had gone sour with Giles once their sexual chemistry failed to ignite, which happened after their first child was born
Giles wasn’t much turned on by lactating breasts or her fuller figure; he never said so, but she could tell by the way he looked at her (repulsed), and his behaviour (not wanting to touch her)
after childbirth she mourned the waist that wouldn’t return to its original measurement, and she mourned the lost bouncy ball quality of her breasts
he stopped telling her how devastatingly beautiful she was when previously he said it several times a day
she realized how addictive it had become
without it she craved it
and felt ugly
however
she was resolved not to give up on Number Two, hoping he wouldn’t give up on her (like Giles), even when he began to forget the A–Z of her sexual desire
or maybe he just couldn’t be bothered, whatever the reason, he resorted to the same unimaginative missionary pumping as her ex
she decided she’d rather be unhappy than endure the public humiliation of another failed marriage and become a social outcast
Rule Number One: couples do not invite single women to their dinner parties
the children learnt to tiptoe around both of them, were still nice to Phillip, whom they loved as their stepfather, Penelope felt bad for putting them through two ruined marriages in their young lives
by the time they’d grown and flown, their mother and stepfather were, in reality, living separate lives with nothing to say to each other any more, not even to have blazing rows
they continued to share the house, had separate quarters, two televisions, two telephone lines, a his and hers end of the kitchen
until, unimaginatively, he traded her in for a younger version of herself, one of his clients, nineteen-year-old Melissa, a Nordic blonde type
Penelope found used condoms in the kitchen dustbin when she went on her weekly investigatory rummage
that evening she cornered him against the fridge, a pan of boiling water poised in her hand
he admitted he’d been seeing this Melissa for a while, had been afraid to tell her; it wasn’t the cheating that mattered so much to Penelope (she convinced herself), it was sneaking around behind her back in their home, with a woman younger than her own daughter
he said it was nothing to do with age and that as Melissa’s childhood was relatively recent, it was easier for him to help her uncover repressed memories, you know, help her sort herself out
she missed Giles then, at least he wasn’t a creepy psychological predator like Phillip
sadly, he was on to (Indian) Wife Number Two in Hong Kong where he built bridges and lived on one of the tropical outlying islands in a pad with its own menagerie of birds in the grounds
as Adam and Sarah reported back
once he started inviting them over for the summer holidays, which only happened when they were teenagers with whom he could hold adult conversations
they adored their much younger half-Indian half-brothers, Ravi-Paul and Jimmy-Dev
and accused her of racism if she ever said a word against them
her kids were examples of political correctness gone mad.
4
Penelope was left alone after Phillip Le Creep had gone back to his Highgate pad – he kept his, she kept hers – and after the kids had grown and flown
she had the house to herself for a few years, found a wonderful African cleaner called Boomi, who gave the place the once over, which seemed a terrible waste of money when most of the rooms were empty
Penelope decided to become a landlord, converted the upper floors into bedsits, rented out to Japanese students
who were so clean, quiet, orderly and respectful
so nice to be bowed to when she collected the rent
she didn’t like being single, discovered it wasn’t easy to find a mate in middle age
men didn’t notice her any more and she didn’t know how to engage in subtle flirtation to get attention when suitable sorts were around, because she’d never had to
as a younger woman men had gravitated towards her and she had merely responded, graciously, flirtatiously, or (she could now see) rudely
the big question that plagued her was this: how do you get a man to take you out when it’s the last thing on his mind?
on her first and last blind date via an agency, the prospective candidate for marriage (on paper, at least) stood up and walked out as soon as she walked in and sat down
for the first time in her life, she almost wished she was ‘the other way’