The actual “activity” of sexual intercourse can sound sort of icky and awkward, but in the right relationship, when there is love and trust and comfort, it is not icky at all. Bear with us while we explain a few details. (Here comes the birds and the bees part you’ve been waiting for! )
Birds and the Bees?What do they have to do with sex? Great question. It all goes back to Victorian times when sex was never mentioned, and people were so uptight about sex that they made up an explanation for reproduction based on plants in nature. The birds were part of plant reproduction because they spread seeds. They would eat berries and seeds, then spread them as they left their droppings throughout nature. That’s the birds’ part. The bees then were responsible for helping things in nature to grow by pollinating them. So the Victorian families gave that explanation about seeds and pollination to help explain sex to their “children.” That explanation usually occurred on the eve of their weddings. Talk about some confusion!! Aren’t you glad we’re just getting this sex stuff all out in the open?
Foreplay
When a couple is sexually excited, they may kiss and touch each other. It feels good physically and emotionally. Usually, their hearts beat fast, they start breathing more heavily and they may also get sweaty. As a man gets sexually excited, he will get an erection. As the woman gets sexually excited, her vagina will make extra liquid (it’s called lubrication) that makes the vagina more slippery. The vagina will also start to expand some and become more elastic or stretchy. Her nipples and clitoris may also get hard or erect. All this excitement and touching or caressing is called foreplay. It prepares the man’s body and the woman’s body for sexual intercourse, but sexual intercourse doesn’t HAVE to happen just because there is sexual excitement.
Now to That Penis-in-Vagina Thing
Sex can happen in lots of different “positions,” but usually the woman is on the bottom and the man is on the top and they are facing each other. The man’s erect penis is inserted into the woman’s vagina. It seems like that might take some awkward positioning, but we fit together in this way like two puzzle pieces. Once the penis is inside her vagina, the couple will move their bodies to make the penis move in and out or back and forth because it feels good for both of them. The in-and-out movement feels good on the penis for the man and also feels good on the vagina and clitoris for the woman. The closeness also feels good emotionally if both are relaxed and wanting to do what they’re doing.
As the sex continues, the excitement builds to the point where an orgasm may occur. For a man, an orgasm is when ejaculation occurs. Before ejaculation, there is a small amount of fluid (called pre-ejaculate or pre-cum) that leaks out of the penis and may contain sperm. So sperm can be present even if ejaculation has not occurred. And remember, it only takes ONE sperm to get pregnant. After the male ejaculates, the penis gets soft again, and he can’t have another orgasm until he gets another erection.
For a woman, orgasm is less obvious on the outside (and it doesn’t usually involve all the crazy screaming you see on TV or in the movies), but she feels a strong and pleasurable physical reaction through her whole body. Some women can have more than one orgasm during sex, but most don’t.
We’re making it sound pretty unexciting and scientific here, but sex, in the right setting with the right person, is an amazing and wonderful connection. Don’t think from this simple description that it isn’t really special.
Like a Virgin
Lots of teens AND adults pay a lot of attention to the word virgin. In the truest sense of the word, a virgin is a person (male or female) who is sexually “pure.” That means she or he has never had sex. But as you’ll learn throughout this book, there’s a lot more to sex than just a penis in a vagina. Is a girl still a virgin if she has oral sex? Some teens think they are still “technically” a virgin even if they are doing some pretty outrageous sexual things as long as a penis doesn’t go in the vagina. How “pure” is oral or anal sex? Although it might prevent pregnancy, infections can still be a big risk. As far as we’re concerned, the word virgin doesn’t hold much significance medically because “technical virgins” are still at risk for infections and the emotional consequences of sex. The meaning of virgin is deeper than a “technical” definition; it involves purity of the mind as well as the body, and it’s something that you have control over. Just don’t try to fool yourself into thinking “technical virginity” is risk free. Face the truth and protect yourself from the consequences. We’ll discuss what those risks are later in this chapter.
The Big O
(We don’t mean Oprah, but we love her anyway.)
“O”
Orgasms feel great, no question. And lots of people make a huge deal out of them. It’s important to understand that sometimes orgasm doesn’t happen at all during the penis-in-vagina part of sex, particularly for women. Most women need to feel very relaxed, comfortable and safe to experience orgasm. Sex isn’t just about orgasm, and it can still feel good even if an orgasm doesn’t happen. Being sexual with someone you love is about expressing warmth, closeness and intimacy—an orgasm is an added bonus.
Sometimes for guys, orgasm (ejaculation) may happen very quickly and actually before they are ready for it to happen. Teenage boys in general are not always able to control how long they can keep an erection. That means a guy can get an erection and ejaculate before a girl even starts to get sexually aroused and enjoy the experience—that can lead to frustration. For a lot of women, sex is more about emotional attachment, comfort and security in a relationship. Guys sometimes get a reputation for being just into the act without the emotional attachment. There are definitely some great guys out there who are looking for emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy. There are also guys, especially teen guys, who can seem unemotional and pushy when it comes to sex. It’s not always the guys, though. There are also girls who are pushy and unemotional when it comes to doing sexual things. For too many teens, it seems to be more about bragging rights and being able to say, “Hey, I got laid!” Just remember, sex isn’t supposed to be like a Nike ad. It’s about a lot more than “just doing it.”
Solo Sex
Orgasm can happen without sexual intercouse. It can happen for males and females just from sexual touching or even in sexual dreams. A lot of males and females will touch themselves sexually. This can just feel good, or it can be intense enough to create an orgasm. Touching yourself sexually is called masturbation. When guys masturbate, they will hold and rub their penis, usually pretty vigorously, to stimulate it. When girls masturbate, they may touch their breasts, rub their clitoris or vagina. Basically, masturbation involves touching or rubbing yourself in whatever way makes you feel good sexually. There’s nothing dangerous about it (as long as it doesn’t consume your free time), and it is actually quite normal. For many teenagers, masturbation is a way to enjoy their sexual urges without risking sexual activity or intercourse with another person. Masturbation (just masturbation with yourself ) can’t cause pregnancy and can’t cause sexually transmitted diseases. And if you’ve ever heard that it will make you grow hair on your palms, make you go blind or that other people can tell you masturbate by looking at you, we hope you know by now that that’s not true. Duh.