The PressureComebacksI can't believe you haven't had sex, yet!I can't believe you have!
Oh, then you don't really know me at all. Too bad.
I can't believe you think people our age really have sex. They've got you fooled.If you love him, you'll have sex with him.If he loves me, he'll wait. I'm worth it.
Love's too deep for me right now. I'm just havin' a good time hangin' out with him.Everyone is doing "it."I know plenty of people who aren't, so you're wrong.
Then I must have a lot more respect for myself than they do.
I have a lot of plans for my life, so I'm not going to screw it up by doing something stupid.
You’ve Got the Power to Decide
You’ll probably find that the mixed messages are both true. Sex can be both disappointing and wonderful—depending on when, where, why, how and with whom you do sexual things. It will take some discipline, but the when, where, why, how and with whom are all things you can control. They are all decisions you can make.
Different people have lots of different ideas about sex. Some are healthy for you, some are not. But the awesome thing is that you have the power to make the ultimate decision about what is healthy and right for you. Feels nice to be in charge, doesn’t it?
11
Crush or True Love?
So your body is doing strange things, your parents are impossible to figure out, your girlfriends are unpredictable . . . and then there’s all this boy craziness!! It’s a good thing we’re working on Girl Power, because these teen times can seem crazy, especially when you topple head-over-heels for that cute guy in your social studies class. As if there wasn’t already enough to worry about, now you’re stuck wondering how he really feels about you, or if he’s the ONE, or if you’ll ever feel okay again after having your heart splintered into a million pieces.
One of the most exciting, wonderful, amazing and absolutely overwhelming parts of being a teenage girl is that teenage girls (and boys) fall in love. Or do they? Is it love when you can’t sleep at night because you’re thinking about seeing HIM at the game tomorrow? Is it love when your heart races at the sight of his number popping up on caller ID? Is it love when you want to drive by his house a thousand times a day just to see if he’s home? Is it love that makes you want to be with him, only him and nobody else?
It’s something all right. Something powerful and fun and very real, but (we hate to break it to you) it’s probably not true love.
Did you notice anything about all those things that make you feel “in love”? They are all about excitement. You feel tingly; your heart races; you anticipate seeing him or even knowing where he is. They are great while they last, but feelings of excitement can come and go.
True love is more than just feelings of excitement. Feelings of excitement will definitely be there, but you will also feel at peace around him and want to protect him, to build him up so other people will think he’s as great as you do and to help him make his goals and dreams come true. And since none of us is perfect (are you surprised?!), true love also makes you want to overlook his weaknesses or those little, unimportant things he does that get on your nerves.
Sound like more than you bargained for? Maybe he does have a killer smile and great sense of humor, but does all this stuff about protecting, building up, fulfilling dreams and overlooking totally annoying habits seem a little too deep? That’s the cool thing about being a teenager! You don’t have to commit yourself to a guy in a true-love kind of way yet. You get to practice at it for years before you commit to true love!
Be prepared, because those “in love” feelings of excitement come on fast and strong. So fast and strong that a lot of teens believe they are in love after one or two weeks. Guess what? True love takes a long time, even years, to grow and strengthen. What most teens feel (and it is definitely a BEGINNING for love) is a strong attraction, or lust or a crush. Sometimes it’s a REALLY strong attraction, and it can be confusing.
It’s a Wild Ride!
Having a crush is a great feeling. It’s exciting, and it makes you happy and all tingly inside. But the whole reason it’s called “falling” in love, or being “head over heels” about someone, is because it throws you off balance. Crushes have a way of doing just that, “crushing” all your more sensible emotions and other interests. They can take you on a wild, thrilling and often confusing ride of emotions!
Ever have that feeling of being totally consumed by someone? Like your brain simply cannot think about anything else? You’re taking a history test and all you can think about is, “I wonder if he brought his lunch or is buying it today. Should I hang out in the lunch line and hope to see him, or maybe he’ll be outside at the picnic tables?” You and your girlfriends are planning to see a new movie this weekend, and you’re thinking, “Well, he said that movie sounded good. I wonder if he’s going to see it this weekend, too. Would he go Friday or Saturday night? At 7:00 or 9:00? Maybe I can get someone to call and find out. . . .”
If any of this sounds like you, you’re crushin’ . . . big time!
You can become totally absorbed by your feelings, maybe even obsessed about someone. You might try to arrange your plans so you see him more often. You might feel jealous if your crush spends time with other people. And you’ll definitely feel like you want to please your crush by dressing to impress him, giving him special attention, complimenting him and finding things he is interested in to talk about. Flirting comes naturally when you’re around a crush! And if he notices you, wow! You feel great!
And if your crush becomes your boyfriend, you may want to please him in other ways, too—perhaps sexually. Part of your attraction probably involves strong sexual urges on your part. But there is a big difference between flirting (which may or may not include holding hands, kissing and making out or exploring some of your body’s feelings of attraction) and becoming sexually involved with a crush or a first boyfriend.
What’s the Rush?
Just think, if you become intimate or sexually involved with someone early in a relationship, what do you have to look forward to? In this relationship and in future relationships? Too often, teens think that having sex or being involved sexually will make their relationship grow and deepen their commitment to each other. After years of seeing patients and hearing their stories, we can tell you that this definitely is not the way it works.
If you want to keep your body, emotions and relationship healthy, a deep commitment and long-lasting relationship should come before sexual involvement and sexual intercourse. Most religions teach that marriage should come before sexual intercourse. There are good reasons for those teachings. When you rush into sexual activity too early, the sex becomes the focus or center of the relationship. Sex is the only thing you do together. Sex is the only thing that’s important in the relationship anymore. If it’s too early, you’ll feel unfulfilled, and sex won’t seem like such a great thing. Pay attention to those feelings if you have them. They are telling you that you aren’t ready.