So if you don’t want to go all the way . . . some types of touching, massaging and kissing each other’s bodies is really confusing. Your brain knows that you have decided not to have sexual intercourse, but you are doing things that make your brain want to tell your body to go for it! See how important it is to decide when you will stop before things get all hot and heavy?!
How Do You Decide?
Setting your sexual boundaries is important, really important. It puts you in control of your body, your emotions and your relationships. It’s one of those choices that can be tough, but if you stick to your boundaries, you can be proud at the end of the day (or night).
The time to decide on your boundaries is:• When you have time to think• When you have a chance to discuss it with trusted adults and friends, if you want to • Before you get in a sexual situation • Maybe even before you have a boyfriend The time to decide on your boundaries is not:• Before you have time to think • When you feel pressured by a boyfriend or your girlfriends • When you are already in a sexual situation (like heavy kissing or touching)
Now, down to the specifics! Look at the following list and spend some time thinking about when you think the activity will be okay for you.When Is It Okay To . . .
Some of these are easy answers. You can hold hands with your boyfriend any time, risk free! Other answers are tough and will be unique to your values and comfort level.
With most of your boyfriends and even with some guys you think are true loves, you’ll never get to a lot of the things on this list, and that, my friend, is good! Many of these things should be reserved for adult, real, live true loves and some for the person you marry.
What’s Okay When?
You have to ask yourself:• What is healthiest for my body? (Check out the “we’re sounding like doctors” list on.)• What is healthiest for my emotions? (Check out the “we’re sounding like parents and girlfriends” lists on.)• What things will I do with a crush? A boyfriend?• How do I know he’s a crush? A boyfriend?• What will I do with a true love?• How do I know he’s a true love?• Will I save something special for marriage?
Boyfriends and crushes are pretty easy to figure out. They give you that twitterpated (did you ever see Bambi?), butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling, even though you may not know them well (or even know them at all!). True loves can be trickier. You have the same butterfly feelings about a true love, but you also have to know a true love well. You have to share values, time and experiences together.
Believe it or not, you may think you have many “true loves” in the next ten years. You might think one’s a true love, but then you get to know him better and find out things you don’t like. Or maybe you just develop a crush on another guy, and suddenly your former “true love” doesn’t give you the butterflies anymore.
That’s all okay. Just remember that when you decide what sexual things you will do with a true love, if it’s too much, too soon, you’ll just end up embarrassed and feeling disappointed. We don’t know any girl or woman who has ever regretted waiting to have sex. But we see tons who are disappointed and mad at themselves for having sex too soon with someone they thought was a true love but didn’t turn out to be the one. Chances are you will not end up marrying the boyfriend you have at age fourteen, so wait it out. Get to know what you like and don’t like in a relationship, but save the sex for much later.
It’s Too Late for Me
What if you’re reading this thinking, “Oh, great. This doesn’t even apply to me. I’ve already let a guy touch my breasts/touched a guy’s penis/had sexual intercourse. I didn’t have a good plan before, and now I’ve blown it.”
Hey! It’s okay! And we promise you it’s not too late.
We all make mistakes. You are not alone. Most young teens are not satisfied with their first sexual experience. You didn’t have a plan then, but you can make one now! Just because you’ve gone farther than you wanted to doesn’t mean that you have to go that far with every guy you date from now on.
Reset your boundaries. Make a promise to yourself to stick to your plan. Learn from your mistakes and make changes to protect your body and your emotions. This is where that strong character you have developed by choosing values and sticking with them comes in. Once you have crossed a boundary it will be hard to reset. We know that. But we also know that sticking to your promises to yourself is important even when it’s hard. And we know you can do it!
Now This Should Be Interesting . . .
If you really want to have some fun, give the “When Is It Okay?” list to your parents and have them fill it out. There’s an interesting conversation!
Talk with your mom or another trusted adult female about this stuff. See if you can get your dad to talk with you about it. Dads have important opinions, too! Are your answers different from your parents’? Ask your parents not only WHEN but WHY. Make them explain their reasons for their answers. Do they make sense? Believe it or not, parents know more than you think about this stuff.
Parents probably feel awkward talking with you about it, but they’ll have some great advice if you’ll hear them out. You don’t need to know if or when your parents did all this stuff (ewwwww!), but their answers will be based on what they have learned from their own experiences and life in general.
But, What If . . . ?
Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, so we have to talk about the what ifs.
Hopefully, we’ve made the point that for humans, sex is not supposed to be just for reproducing. It’s also not supposed to be something you try just because you’re curious. You know by now that sex is powerful in many ways. It can be a wonderful, intimate experience that two people share. It can also be a very disappointing, embarrassing, and even scary experience if it happens too soon or in the wrong relationship.
The disappointing and scary part can come in many ways. We’re doctors; we hear these stories almost every day! Consider the following real-life examples:• A 14-year-old girl has sex with her guy “friend” because she is just curious to see what it is like. She ends up pregnant.
• A 26-year-old woman can’t enjoy sex with her husband because she had sex as a young teenager in a bad relationship and has bad memories that get in the way of her enjoyment.