• A 15-year-old girl goes on a date with her crush, a very popular soccer player at her school who is 17. He starts kissing her, then talks her into giving him oral sex even though she didn’t really want to. He never calls again but tells all his friends at school what they did.
• A 16-year-old sneaks out of her house to go to a party her parents didn’t want her to go to. She drinks a lot of beer and has sex for the first time ever with a guy she doesn’t really know very well.
• A 14-year-old girl and her boyfriend start kissing and get really sexually excited. They touch each other through their clothes. Then they pull their clothes off and touch each other’s naked bodies. They’ve said they wouldn’t have sex, but in the heat of the moment they both really want to. And they do.
You can see from these true stories why a plan is so important and powerful for girls! Every single girl in these stories either did something she really didn’t want to do or suffered a negative consequence from having sex too early and in the wrong relationship.
And you can also see why you need to work really hard to help yourself stick to your plan. If you want to stick by your promise to yourself to respect your body, you also have to keep yourself out of situations that make it really hard to do that (like drinking alcohol and taking drugs, being alone with a guy you’re not sure you can trust, going “so far” that it’s hard to stop). Those are things you are in control of. Those are decisions you get to make. You have the power and the choice to learn from bad decisions and to make better ones in the future. That’s another way to show your Girl Power!
Some Good News about Guys
We know it kind of sounds like guys want nothing but power over you or to get in your pants, like they have no self-control, like they are only worried about themselves and their sexual desires and not you. Well, there is good news! There are guys out there who put you before themselves. They are the kind of guys who may even want to stop sooner than you do. They are the ones who will stop and make a good decision for you even when you are thinking about going further. They are the ones who will remind you that you both decided to stop at the French kiss, and they will respect that decision and make you stick with it!
Those are the guys to look for. You’ll know them by the way they respect girls and women. They don’t act all nice-mannered to fool the teachers, then harass girls in the hallway. They might be quiet, they might be loud, they might play in a band, they might be good at goofing around, they might be jocks or nerds or drama kings . . . but the good ones know respect—for you and for themselves and others. See one? Get to know him. It takes time to decide whether he is worthy of YOU.
Power in Planning
If there is one single thing we want you to remember from this chapter, it’s that there is power in the plan!
Values and boundaries are super important, so do your best to “stay in bounds!” especially when you have your first (or next!) boyfriend. The closer you get to feeling true love, the harder it will be to stick to your plan. Because now you are talking about a real live guy—a guy you are attracted to and really want to be physically close to. It’s not that theoretical “someday” boyfriend you probably had in mind when you set your boundaries. Enjoy your new sexuality, enjoy being emotionally intimate, kiss, look sexy if you want to, but it doesn’t mean you have to have sex. Once you are ready for sex, you will also understand the importance of having a plan to discuss it with your true love and make sure you protect yourself against pregnancy and infections.
We’ll say it again: Girls who have a plan are less likely to do sexual things they really don’t want to do. Sticking to your plan is easier if your boyfriend respects you. And true loves always respect you. It will be awkward talking to your boyfriend about sexual things and boundaries. But getting the relationship right requires communication, lots of communication. And you can do it!
Just remember, values stay the same no matter what situation you are in. If it was good for you before you met your boyfriend, it’s still good for you today. Promises to yourself are worth keeping even if it’s hard to do. Be strong! You are definitely worth it!
PART FOUR
Growing Real Girl Power
13
Get Your Girl Power On!
By now, we hope that you have seen a glimpse and felt a pulse of power—the power that is within you. It’s an amazing power that will bring you so many good things and protect you from bad things if you learn how to use it. Why do so many teen girls feel powerless over so much of what goes on in their lives? We think it’s because they haven’t discovered the power that they carry within them—real live Girl Power.
So you, whether you have recognized it or not, have amazing power. Not just power related to sex and sexuality, but a bigger power that comes with the ability to make choices that matter. You have the ability to choose how you want to be seen, who you trust, when you are ready for intimacy, and importantly, you have the power to say no to things that aren’t in your best interest.
Now, when we combine the words power and sex, a lot of people get the wrong impression. People talk about using sex for power or using sex to get what you want. That’s not good power. It’s just using something powerful to manipulate others. Your sexuality is something special that should be treasured and respected, not abused. Sexuality just happens to be a very powerful thing that you have, whether you want it or not.
She Figured It Out
Remember that girl we talked about in chapter 2? The one with the Girl Power? The one who says she’s sorry when she hurts a friend’s feelings. The one who cuts her parents some slack even when she thinks they totally don’t get it. The one who understands how her body works and can talk about it without getting too embarrassed. The one who makes a plan for her own sexual involvement and chooses a boyfriend who will respect her decisions. Yep, that one. The one everyone seems to look up to and respect.
She obviously figured out a lot of stuff for herself, a lot of the things we’ve been talking about. Things like:• Using words wisely• Not giving any power away to people who want to embarrass or use her • Listening to people who want what’s good for her—not TV, movies, music, magazines and advertisers that want what’s best for them • Choosing friends who build her up and don’t tear her down—and being a good friend to others as well • Recognizing that she is sexual and can be sexy without “doing it”• Talking, thinking and learning about sexual things before she gets “in the heat of the moment” and does something she regrets • Being brave enough to talk to boyfriends about her sexual boundaries—even when it’s really awkward.• Telling the difference between good boyfriends and bad boyfriends • Saving some sexual things for her true love