If you answered true to any of these questions, guess what? You’re normal. You’re like a lot of teens, in fact, a vast majority of teens, who think their parents “just don’t get” them. Why are parents that way? This may come as a big surprise, but it’s a little bit about them and a lot about you.
The funny thing is that your parents probably haven’t changed the way they are; they are just dealing with teenage issues now. These issues are different and more serious than little kid things, so parents may seem more strict and annoying in the way they guide you.
The real difference is the way you see them and respond to them. Your perception of your parents is changing pretty quickly!
But Why?
Remember how your body is changing, and your brain is changing, too? Those brain changes make you see your parents a little differently. When you were younger, you expected your parents to be totally involved and physically present in every aspect of your life. You may not have liked the rules, but you liked your parents being there because you needed their help. The world was bigger and scarier, and you relied on your parents to guide you through unfamiliar situations.
Well, now that you’ve been around longer, the world is not such a scary place. You can walk to a friend’s house without getting lost. You can heat up pizza in the microwave. You can stay at home by yourself without being afraid. You can check out library books, make phone calls, pay a cashier and even be in charge of younger children.
Now when your parents give you limits and rules, you don’t think, “I feel safe.” You think, “Hey! You’re trampling on my independence!” And that’s a normal response. The bottom line is that you and your parents have to grow into your new independent being. They will have to change their rules and their limits to allow you to be more independent. You will have to earn independence bit by bit.
Be patient! Most parents want what’s best and safest for their kids. The more you prove that you can be responsible with the little things (chores, keeping up with your own stuff, calling when you get to a friend’s house), the more independence they will give you. Voilà! Everyone is happy!
You Grow, Brain!
Just as your body has to grow into an adultlike body, your brain has to change into an adultlike brain (sound creepy?). And just as your body takes years to grow all those “woman parts,” your brain takes your entire teen years to grow.
Two particular parts of your brain are growing like crazy! The first big grower is the part that helps you understand things like algebra. That’s why we don’t learn algebra in the second grade—our brains couldn’t handle it! The same area in your brain also lets you understand “invisible” things like faith, trust, feelings and values. That’s why you may be questioning the faith and values of your family. While it can be a little unsettling, kind of like thinking without a safety net, don’t be afraid to question. Your parents may have taught you well, but your brain is now telling you to claim faith and values for yourself. Go for it!
Another brain part, your amygdala (uh MIG duh luh), is also cookin’ away. This is the emotional center in your brain. By growing, it makes you experience emotions in a stronger way than you have before. You will begin to have intense feelings like anger, love and sadness.
While your amygdala is growing, it also interferes with your ability to figure out what emotions other people are feeling by their facial expressions, body language and tone of voice. So when you see a parent (or friend) with a wrinkled forehead and squinted eyes, you might jump to the conclusion that she is angry when in reality she is confused or worried or maybe just has a headache!
Your emotional center also makes you respond with big, lightning-quick emotions—like a firecracker popping. So that parent who was confused makes you suddenly explode with an angry yell before you realize that she wasn’t angry at all. Then she does get angry because you yelled at her, and then your anger gets even bigger. Yada, yada, yada . . . what a mess it can cause!
See what we mean when we say this “clueless parent” phenomenon is a little bit about them and a lot about you? You may feel like your parents spontaneously turned more angry, more controlling, more nosy, more whatever overnight, but the way you interpret their responses is really what’s changing. There goes that brain, doing a number on you again!
My Brain Made Me Do It!
Besides these brain centers that are changing, scientists have also identified specific “developmental tasks” that you need to accomplish during your teen years. When you were a child, your “developmental tasks” were things like learning to sit, walk, talk, pick up a Cheerio with your finger and thumb, and potty train.
Now that you can successfully navigate a toilet (we’re sooo impressed!), you get to move on to new tasks. Actually, they may seem more like annoying little chores. The most obvious tasks are physical ones like growing breasts, starting a period, getting taller, growing hips and growing new hair. Your major mental/emotional tasks aren’t as obvious as breasts and pubic hair, but they still happen to everyone!
As we talked about, the first task is to become more independent from your parents and more connected with your friends. If you are ever going to become a responsible, independent adult, of course, you have to learn to do things all by yourself.
This parent-friend combo helps you accomplish your second big mental/emotional task—figuring out the deep question of “who you are.” That means you consider your parents’ values and your friends’ values, and then you decide what’s important to you. What kind of person do I want to be? What are my talents? What are my weaknesses? What will my family, my career, my faith and my accomplishments look like in ten or twenty years?
We talked a lot about this in chapter 2. If you’re still wondering how to start figuring out “who you are,” go back and check it out again.
Invasion of the Body Snatcher
None of this is to say that your brain is holding your entire body, mind and personality hostage! When your brain gives you those “I need to be independent” messages, it may make you want to lash out with arguments, insults and disobedience when an adult challenges your independence.
Likewise, your brain may make you want to respond with anger, snide comments or unfriendly threats when your friends (or you!) try on “new” personalities on your quest to find out “who you are.”
You can’t control the messages your brain is sending you. Really. It’s just the way your brain develops. But you do have control over how you respond to your brain’s messages.
Right now you argue so much because your brain is also developing logical reasoning. You need reasons for your parents’ rules; you want to know why your friends act the way they do. So ask your parents what purpose they have for a rule instead of responding with, “You can’t make me!” Even if you don’t like their reason, they probably have one that seems good to them. Once you know their purpose, you can negotiate a compromise that gives you some independence and also sets limits they think are good for you.