It works like this: Let’s say you want to go see a movie, Selena’s Summer Secret (a made-up title), with some girlfriends and some guy friends. You ask your mom, and she’s says, “Absolutely not.” You immediately assume that she doesn’t trust your friends, thinks you pick lousy friends and maybe even hates your friends. And you tell her so! Yep, the perfect beginning to the perfect argument!
Or . . . you could tell her calmly that you really want to practice doing things on your own and ask her why she doesn’t want you to go. (Note the word calmly. You are seeking information, not a fight here!) You choose this route and find out that it’s not the friends she doesn’t approve of, it’s the movie! Turns out she read a review online and found out that it has really graphic sexual scenes and even shows naked breasts right there on the screen!
Wow! She really did have a good reason. You would have been mortified to be sitting right next to Derek when they showed naked breasts on the screen! So now that you know her reason, you can compromise. You can still go to movies; just pick a different one—preferably one without naked people prancing across the screen! You get to do something all on your own, and your mom gets to establish some safe boundaries for your independence.
See, once you understand what your developmental tasks are, it helps you explain to your parents why you want to do things “on your own.” Tell your parents that you want to learn how to do things that will ultimately help you take care of yourself as an adult. We’re betting you’ll get lots of “maturity” points for that!
Where’s the Instruction Manual?
So how do parents handle your changing brain and your new task of becoming independent?
Oh, that’s easy. They’ll just turn to of the How to Raise Teenagers Instruction Manual and refer to the easy-to-follow steps found there in the middle of the page. What?!? You didn’t come with a manual? No instruction booklet? Well, this does complicate things. . . .
Looks like your parents are on their own when it comes to your changing brain and independent streak. Letting go of their little girl, deciding safe boundaries and giving up some control when it comes to safety, friends and your whereabouts isn’t always easy. And it’s different for everyone.
For some parents it’s an easy task. For others it’s torture. Some parents are happy that they don’t have to watch you constantly anymore. Some might even give you more independence than you want. Lots of parents have already gone through this with older siblings and “know the ropes.” Others are anxious first-timers. And some parents may never give up treating you like a six-year-old.
Parents with Style
The way your parents handle these changes will depend a lot on their “parenting style.” “Style?” you say. “My parents have no style.” Ahh . . . you may be right, but we’re not talking high fashion, clever conversation or cool cars. We’re talking about the ways they discipline you, treat your friends and talk to you.
So what is your parents’ parenting style? Take this quiz, and we’ll help you figure it out.
Check your parents’ typical response:
Scene 1: A really cute guy invites you to a party at his house. You don’t know him very well, but he hangs out with a bunch of popular boys who seem pretty nice. You ask your parents if you can go to the party with your best friend. Your parents respond with:
B. You are not going, and that is final!
Scene 2: Your best friend, who is usually very nice and innocent, comes over to go to the movies with you. She brings along some clothes for you to borrow, and you end up wearing her very short, very tight, very low-rise jean skirt and a shirt that is quite sheer. Your parents take one look at you and say:
B. You are not going anywhere dressed like that.
Scene 3: You and your boyfriend are going to a school football game. After the game, you want to invite him back to your house to hang out until his curfew. Your parents say . . .
B. You spend too much time with that boy. Be home by 10:00, and we expect him to be gone by 10:15.
Scene 4: Your friends are over jumping on your trampoline. You all start jammin’ to some loud music, so loud that the neighbors complain. Your parents say:
B. Everybody inside! No more trampoline. You kids are too wild.
The Results
A is for “Always Cool”
If you answered mostly A, your parents may be acting more like a best friend than a parent. We’ll call them Permissive parents. Permissive means that they let you do kind of whatever you want to do.
Woo hoo! Party time! Stay out late! Use Mom’s credit card! Eat whatever I want! Hang wherever I want! Sounds like a blast, huh? Your friends may think it’s cool that your parents let you totally do your own thing, but teens actually do better and learn to have a healthier independence when there are rules. That’s not just what we say. Science proves it!
Permissive parents aren’t necessarily trying to be “bad” parents; they just may be giving you too much freedom as you push for more independence. Kids who have a free-for-all with clothes, curfews and spending money often find themselves wishing for some guidance or someone who takes an interest in keeping them safe and on track.
Another way Permissive parenting happens is when your parents are acting more like a teenager than like a parent. They try to dress like you and talk like you. They might even hang with you and your buds and let you do adult stuff that a lot of parents wouldn’t allow. Some parents think that they can take better care of you if they are your “best friend.” They mean well, but they don’t realize that what you really need is a parent and not another “best friend.” If you have Permissive-type parents, we bet you know what we’re talking about.