"I know you're hurting," she said gently. "So am I. Don't turn away, Ben."
Before he could stop himself, he'd gone to her. He buried his face in her hair, his hands flexing convulsively in the loose material of her dress sleeves. The blessed, aching relief of it made his eyes and nose sting. His voice was hoarse as he sought to unburden his heart.
"I didn't know him for long. But he was more of a father to me than…' The rest of the sentence was choked off.
Addie stroked his dark head tenderly. "He loved you. He thought of you as a son."
"If only I'd known what was happening, I could have saved him. I should have-"
"All of us feel that way. His family was only a few doors away. Don't you think Cade blames himself for not having heard something? And me… oh, you can't imagine the things I wish I'd done." Addie felt much more responsible for Russell's death than Ben ever could. She'd known about it beforehand but still couldn't stop it. And that was a secret she would have to bear alone for the rest of her life.
Ben gave a shuddering sigh and squared his jaw, dragging a sleeve across his wet eyes.
"Don't blame yourself," Addie said, laying her cheek against his fast-beating heart, her arms wrapped around his waist. "He'd be mad if he knew you did."
And Ben allowed himself to hold her a few minutes more. In the back of his mind he knew he should have been overcome with shame, having given in to unmanly tears in front of a woman. But Addie was different from all others. There were no conditions to her love. He could trust her with his private thoughts, his deepest feelings. Finally he understood the real reason for wanting her as his wife. Not for the sake of propriety or passion, not for children, for the ranch, or even fora place to belong.
As a boy he had idealized love; as a man he had searched for it. And now that he'd found it, it was different from what he'd expected, more demanding, more vital, constantly changing. The bonds that tied him to her were stronger than steel chains, but within them there was perfect freedom. It was that way for both of them.
Caroline and Peter planned to leave with Leah after the wedding, as soon as Caroline was well enough to travel. May had decided to go with them to North Carolina, since most of her family and old friends were there. She'd made no mention of whether or not she intended to come back to Texas someday, but Addie suspected she would never return. Cade had opted to stay at the ranch for a while, until he was more certain of what he wanted.
The sheriff and his deputies finished questioning the ranch hands about what they might have seen or heard the night of Russell's murder, and they came up with no new information, no answers that threw any light on what had happened. Ben allowed his frustration to surface after they'd left, pacing around the ranch office and smoking cigarettes, crushing them out after only a few puffs. Addie's first inclination when she went in to talk to him was to sprawl comfortably in a chair, but the bothersome arrangement of skirts, small bustle, and petticoats forced her to sit upright in a stiffbacked, ladylike manner.
The air was stale with smoke. Leaning over, she struggled to open a window without getting up. Ben cursed under his breath and did it for her, and she made a face as she waved ineffectually at the air.
"Are you going to make a habit of this?" she asked.
"I liked the smell of Daddy's cigars much better."
Ben stubbed out a cigarette and raked a hand through his dark hair. "I might not have enough time to develop a habit," he said curtly.
"Meaning?”
"Meaning that if I'm not dry-gulched by some well meaning vigilante committee soon, I'll probably be taken out and hanged by the sheriff and a posse, nice and legal. I'm the most likely suspect. Everyone knows it. "
"But I've provided your alibi. I said you were with me that night. "
He shook his head, scowling morosely. "They think you're lying to protect me."
Addie sighed and pressed her palms to her temples, desperate to remember the name she’d given to Jeff. Inside her mind somewhere was the truth. She closed her eyes and pressed harder, wishing she could squeeze out the memory. But her returning memories were infrequent and almost always incomplete.
"It's one of our own men," she said, curling her fingers into her hair as if she would tug it out, disheveling the perfectly coiffed braids. "Surely one of them knows something, or suspects something. Why isn't anyone saying anything? They wouldn't really protect one of their own even if he was a murderer, would they?"
"I don't know," Ben muttered, beginning to pace again. "I wouldn't have thought so."
Later that evening, as the family sat down to dinner in the main house, Ben strode in with a distracted expression. They all glanced up at him as he looked at Addie and spoke quietly.
"I've got some business to take care of. I might be gone until morning."
Addie's skin prickled with awareness. Something had happened. "Anything serious?" she asked with forced calm, and he shrugged.
"I won't know until later."
Slowly Addie took the napkin from her lap and put it on the table. "I'll walk you to the door," she said, darting a cautious glance at May, who offered no objection. As soon as they left the room, Addie clung to his arm. His muscles were taut. "What is it?" she whispered anxiously.
"One of the boys admitted to having seen one of the beds in the bunkhouse empty during the night of the murder."
"Whose?"
"Watts's."
"But… but he's taken me and Caro to town lots of times, and you had him watch over the house so many nights while we were all asleep-"
"I can't prove he's the one. It's only a suspicion." Addie took a deep breath and held on to his arm more tightly. "Where are you going now?" she whispered.
"To visit his sister."
"But… she's a prostitute."
"Hell, Addie, I'm not going to bed her. I'm just going to ask her some questions."
"She's not going to tell you anything to implicate her own brother, even if she knows something. Oh, Ben, I don't like this at all-"
"She's just a girl. A girl who likes money." He frowned as he looked down at her, prying his arm loose from her grasp. "And I don't have much to lose by visiting with her. In the meantime, don't worry about Watts. He's staying far away from the house in a line shack tonight, guarding the edge of the property. "
"Ben," Addie said, her forehead furrowed, "she might try to get you to sleep with her. I know you and I haven't been together lately, but-"
"Oh, good Lord." Ben laughed suddenly. "If you think there's a danger of the two of us…" He continued to laugh, shaking his head as he went out the door. "For your sake, I'll do my best to control myself." She scowled as she watched him go, wondering what he thought was so funny.