"Are you saying you don't think I should marry Jeff'?"
Caroline sighed and laughed a little. "You're so direct sometimes! Just as blunt as Daddy. No, I'm not sayin' anything about Jeff in particular. I'm telling you to marry someone who makes your heart pitter-patter. Mama and Daddy always taught us marriage is somethin' you have to calculate and plan. I… sometimes I wish I hadn't taken it to heart quite so well. No woman should be cheated of marryin' the man she loves, Adeline. There's no compensation for it later, no matter what they tell you."
"Caro, you look so sad."
"Sometimes I am, when I think about the mistakes I've made."
"Was there ever someone you… still think about?"
"Maybe there was. A long time ago."
"And you felt special about him?"
"Oh, yes. I felt special about him." Caroline smiled remin-iscently, all at once looking younger and terribly wistful. "He and I were at each other all the time, like cats and dogs. Like you and Ben. Seeing you two reminds me a little of what it was like. He was Daddy's trail boss. He was the kind of man that Daddy and Ben are. Very charming, but he liked to get his own way. Very stubborn. I thought I hated him at first. I felt so nervous around him. He always thought he knew everything." She slipped one foot out of her shoe and wiggled her toes with a sigh. "Lord, my feet are tired. "
"What happened between the two of you? You have to tell me the rest," Addie said eagerly, intrigued by the thought that Caroline, with her wholesome face and picture-perfect manners, had been romantically involved with Russell's trail boss. What an odd pair they must have made!
"You can't talk about this to anyone else, ever. You have to promise. "
"I swear I won't. On the Bible. On anything you want me to."
"All right," Caroline interrupted, smiling slightly.
"The rest of the family knows about it-exceptin' Cade-so you'd most likely hear about it sooner or later."
"I didn't know you'd ever been interested in anyone but Peter."
"I met Peter durin' my two years at the academy in Virginia. He was going to military school, and we noticed each other at a dance. He looked very good in a uniform-what man doesn't? We struck up an acquaintance, and began to write each other, and he took me to meet his parents durin' one of our last vacations. He was so kind and sweet-natured, and everything just fell into place. We got engaged. Then I came home for a spell, and that was when I met Raif Colton. You were just a little girl. Do you remember him?"
"A little," Addie lied. "I guess I was too young to notice much about him."
"As soon as we met each other, Raif set his sights on me-wouldn't leave me alone-which made me furious and sent Mama into a tailspin." Caroline shook her head and made a wistful sound. "Raif was so… so… I can't describe him. I felt like a different woman around him. I'd always been the quiet one. Russell Warner's oldest daughter, so well-behaved, so proper. No man had ever tried anything with me-y'know? But Raif cornered me in the house one day when no one was around, and…' Caroline looked at Addie's expectant face and blushed hotly. "He let me know flow he felt about me. He was so tender, and frightening, and exciting. And after everything was said and done, I knew he loved me. But I was all set on marryin' Peter-the smart thing to do, the sensible thing. Mama knew about Raif, and she did everything in her power to keep us apart. All summer Peter and I stayed engaged, and plans for the wedding were made, and Raif did his best to convince me to marry him instead. "
"Did you love him?"
"I loved both of them. I loved Peter with my mind. I was safe with him. But I loved Raif with my heart. I loved his passion, his wildness. It was impossible to choose."
"But you ended up marrying Peter."
"Yes. I was afraid to take a chance on Raif'."
"What happened to him?"
"After the marriage, he stayed on at the ranch for several months. I begged him to leave, but he wouldn't give up, even after he found out I was going to have a baby. It was hell-you can't know… Lord, you can't imagine. I had no peace, not for one minute. I found out the difference between loving a man with your mind and your heart. I came to realize the mistake I'd made, and I wanted to die of misery. I made a decision, that I'd run away with Raif. Nothin' was as important as he was, not money, family, honor. Not even Peter. We were goin' to leave together, after he came back from drivin' a thousand head of cattle up to Dodge. But one night on the trail, the longhorns got spooked. Crazy animals-they'll stampede at anything, even a sneeze. And Raif was killed."
Addie was flooded with sympathy. "Caro… I'm sorry…"
"That was ten years ago. Enough time has passed by to make it tolerable. I couldn't bear it at first. But I had Peter, and I've always loved him in a certain way. That gave me enough strength to live through the grief. I'm married to a special man."
"I think you're special," Addie said softly, and meant it.
"Me? Why?"
"Because of the way you've survived."
"Oh, there's no trick in that. You might be surprised by the things a person's able to survive through. There's always somethin' to hold on to. There's always someone that needs you, somethin' that needs your attention. It takes your mind off feelin' sorry for yourself. "
"But it makes me afraid of loving someone, the thought that I'might lose him."
"You can't let yourself worry 'bout that. It's better to have love for a little while than not at all, isn't it?"
Addie laughed huskily. "I guess. I'm not sure." Caroline regarded her for a long moment. "Right now I like you more than I ever have, Adeline. For a little while I thought Daddy had finally done itspoiled you rotten to the core. But he hasn't. You're a sweet girl. "
"Thank you, " Addie said, her eyes suddenly bright. For the first time she felt as if the two of them were family. She realized that she did care about Caroline. She felt a bond between them, of trust and affection, so strong that it seemed it had always been there. She felt as if they were sisters. It had happened all at once, like the flip of a coin. How short a distance it was from indifference to love.
Caroline leaned closer. "I'll tell you somethin' only Mama and Peter know," she whispered.
"You don't have to tell me any of your secrets."
"I want to. I want you to remember what I've told you. Don't ever be afraid of lovin' someone, or you'll make the mistake I did. I don't let myself think of the might've-beens. It would hurt too much. But I have something very special to remember Raif by. More than memories. The greatest treasure he could've given me."
Addie went very still. "Leah?" she asked inaudibly, her mouth barely framing the name.
Caroline nodded and smiled tremulously. "You've been so sweet to her lately, spendin' time with her. You have a special feelin' for her, don't you?"
"Yes. Oh, yes, I do." Addie leaned over and hugged her tightly.
"Before I was married to Peter, Raif and I had a few days together," Caroline whispered. "He never knew it was his baby. I promised Peter I wouldn't tell him. But just lookin' at her reminds me how much Raif loved me. Every woman should be loved like that, Adeline, at least once. "
"Sometimes I wish for that," Addie said humbly, while she burned inside with longing and hope, and relentless doubt. Involuntarily she thought of Ben, his sensual smile and threatening charm. "And sometimes I want to be unattached forever." Like Leah had been. Leah had had a fulfilling life in spite of being unmarried… she'd been happy… hadn't she?
Not always, a small voice whispered inside. Leah had worried that Addie would turn out to be a spinster too. And she had been so wistful sometimes. There had been many lonely, quiet hours for her. Yes, there had been a part of Leah that must have wished for a husband and a real family.