"Don't."
"I proved him right, acting like a child-"
"Addie…" He pried her face from his neck and looked into her reddened eyes. "Stop it. It didn't prove anything. No one likes to have his pride stomped on like that, especially not in front of someone else. Some men would have cried too."
He paused for a long moment, his thumb moving in a caress from her cheek to her temple. "I did the last time I saw my father."
"You?" she asked, bewildered. "Why? An argument, or-"
"Always. I never had a civil conversation with him. We always used to argue. It was our way of showing we gave a damn about each other. But the last year at the university I didn't see him even once. I was told to stay away from him. I was bad for his health. I went to visit him after I graduated, to set things right between us and tell him I was going to Texas. And I realized after I told him that he didn't care. Indifference… well, that hurts worse than hatred. That was why I cried. In front of him. And I hate myself for it. "
"Do you still?"
"No. But God knows I'll never forget. And neither will he." He smiled down at her, his teeth gleaming white in the darkness. He looked so invulnerable, it was impossible to imagine him caring about what anyone said or did to him. She couldn't imagine him crying. Why had he entrusted her with such a revelation? Merely to bolster her up? To help ease her own shame?
"Ben," she said tentatively, her heart beating a little faster, "sometimes you're very nice."
"Never without a reason, honey." All at once he changed, his tenderness melting away to reveal a mocking smile. His eyes seemed to bum right through her clothing.
"I didn't think so," she said, suddenly nervous.
They were going to pick up what they had started before Russell had interrupted them in the kitchen. The taste of anticipation was sweet on her lips. "What was your reason for being so nice tonight?"
"Maybe I want something from you."
"Too bad you won't get it."
"Oh, I will eventually."
"Not if! can help it," she parried, wondering why he wasn't trying to take advantage of her.
His smile widened as he saw that her lips had parted.
"Liar. You're dying for me to kiss you."
She tore herself away from him and gave him a shove. "If you ever try to kiss me, the only thing you'll get is a swift kick, you self-important jackass-"
"What a temper," he said, and laughed, catching her loosely in the circle of his arms. "Don't flyaway just yet, Addie. I'm still planning to finish what we started back there."
"You leave me alone!" She wedged her arms between them, preventing him from drawing her closer. "If you feel the urge to be with someone, go visit your woman in Blue Ridge."
There was ruthless amusement in Ben's smile. Addie could have bitten her tongue off as she realized she had sounded jealous.
"What makes you think I have a woman in Blue Ridge?"
"Caroline said you did."
"How would she know?"
"She listens to gossip-"
"Seems to be a family habit."
"Do you visit a woman in Blue Ridge?"
His voice was silky. "Now, why would I want to do that, when I've got you here?"
Addie twisted away from him with an infuriated sound. Ben laughed and blew her a kiss as she stomped off to the house, his eyes following her alertly until she disappeared from sight.
5
"ADELINE, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HARD DADDY'S takin' this. You said hardly a word to him yesterday, or the day before. Why don't you talk to him? You don't know how much you're hurtin' him."
She looked at Cade mutinously while the two of them walked by the smokehouse and kicked at chips of wood. "You don't know how much he hurt me, Cade. What would you do if he ordered you not to see any of your friends? What about that little brown haired girl you like to call on, Jeannie something-orother-"
"Janie."
"Yes, her. What if he told you not to visit her anymore?"
Cade was forever a diplomat. "I guess I'd agree, 'f I believed in his reasons."
"Hal You wouldn't either. You'd want to see her, and you'd be mad at Daddy for acting so highhanded."
He grinned. "Yeah, but I couldn't stay mad as long as you. You and Daddy, you're ones for holdin' grudges. Me?… I don't see the sense in bein'mad about somethin' you can't change."
“There isn't any sense in it," Addie agreed grimly.
"But I've never pretended to be as nice as you, Cade, and I can't help being mad."
Since her falling-out with Russell, she'd kept out of his way, finding an unexpected hardness in herself every time she thought about forgiving him. Until now he'd let her do and say almost anything she wanted. But for him to turn around and curtail that freedom, treating her like an object to be put back in its place, had been too unexpected. You couldn't allow someone free rein and then pull it in too suddenly, too tightly.
Like any daughter on bad terms with one parent, she sought out the affection and support of the other. May wisely refrained from criticizing either Addie or Russell, or taking one side against the other. Instead she offered sympathy to both of them privately, knowing that each was too hardheaded to be induced to see the other's viewpoint. Addie and Russell were barely on speaking terms.
Though her problem with Russell disturbed her a great deal, Addie didn't talk much about it, especially not to Ben. She felt acutely embarrassed whenever she looked at him and remembered how she had sobbed in his arms. What did he think of her now? Ben didn't mention the episode. His tenderness of that night had disappeared, and he was his usual mocking self toward her. But sometimes he looked at her as if he were silently laughing at her newfound shyness, and all it took was that one look to set her teeth on edge. Then she would wait for a jeer that never came… ah, how detestable he was!
She sought consolation for her bruised ego in May's company. May was always calm and gentle. There was quiet grace in everything she did, a grace that was not learned but came from an inner source. Caroline was like that too. They were the kind of women who would never allow the world to change them. Addie knew herself to be a complete contrast to them. She was always struggling and changing, always wanting things and being resentful when she couldn't get them. She understood what Russell had been trying to tell her before. None of the family would be able to survive Russell's murder, she thought moodily. No wonder it went to pieces after he was gone. They'll all do well enough if everything's secure and organized and comfortable for them. But when disaster happens, they need someone else to do the struggling for them. It's good to be gentle and nice, but there are times when you just can't be, or the world will walk right over you.
A week after Addie had been forbidden to see Jeff, the family prepared to travel nearly fifty miles to attend the wedding of Jeff's younger brother Harlan to Ruth Fanin, the daughter of a wealthy rancher. Sunrise and the Double Bar tacitly agreed to put aside their differences for a few days. They all loved a wedding. It gave them a chance to see old acquaintances, trade stories, drink freely, and dance until the soles of their feet were bruised. The cowboys from different ranches ate meals together, talked about wages and work, enjoyed the free liquor and took as much advantage as possible of the host's hospitality. And every rancher in Texas liked to show off what he considered to be his own legendary hospitality.
The women at these affairs were always outnumbered by men, which meant the favor and attention of every available female was constantly sought after. Addie was apprehensive about attending the wedding. What would she do when people she didn't know expected her to recognize them? But at the same time, she was excited. She hadn't been dancing in a long time. She wanted to listen to music and be among crowds of festive people.