Hooray! We’re going to New York for the weekend. Mom and Tim and Alex and I are taking the train tomorrow and we won’t be back until Monday. Isn’t that great? All the stores and everything—I can’t wait. My P.I. is down to pink spots, and I’m sure my makeup can cover that. I hope, I hope. We’re taking the 7:15 train tomorrow, and Dad says I can buy a lot of new things for school. Hooray! Hooray!
It’s so hot and stuffy in Manhattan I can’t believe it. We’re fine as long as we stay in the big stores, but when we’re out on the street it’s like walking in a furnace. The heat comes up from the sidewalk in great clouds and I don’t know how the people who live there stand it. Joel says it’s as bad in Chicago, but I find that hard to believe. Anyway, we spent most of the morning shopping at Bloomingdale’s and then went to a movie at Radio City in the afternoon just to get out of the heat.
Taking the subway was the biggest mistake we ever made. It was so jammed with humanity that we were tangled like sauerkraut in a jar and smelled just as bad. One fat old woman was hanging on a strap beside me and her sleeveless dress exposed the most incredible bird’s nest under her arm. It was the smelliest sight I witnessed in my life. I hope Tim didn’t see it or he’ll probably be turned off women forever.
Tomorrow we’re going to the Museum of Modern Art and a couple of other places. I don’t think we’ll stay late on Sunday because Mother is as uncomfortable as we are.
We are not going through Chicago after all. They are making staff changes at the university and Dad has got to get back. He offered to go out of his way and make a quick stop in Chicago because he didn’t want to let me down, but I can’t be that immature—besides, I’ll see Joel in just a few weeks, and we’re not engaged or anything. I wish we were!
Driving all day and almost all night is really a drag. Dad looks absolutely bug-eyed, and Alex is squirming all over the place. I really wish I could help with the driving, but Dad says absolutely no driving without a license, which I’m going to get as soon as I can.
One more billboard and I’m going to lose my mind!
Home at last. Poor Dad has to go over to the university and I know he is absolutely beat. If I’m as tired as I am at my age I don’t know how he even manages to get one foot in front of the other. Mother is dashing around the house chipper as a little bird, but I guess that is because she’s HOME, HOME, HOME. Oh what a beautiful, wonderful, divinely lovely word.
I’m even beginning to feel pretty good myself. Just a few hours ago none of us thought we could possibly live for even a few more minutes, now we’re all getting our second wind. Alex has dashed off to Tricia’s to pick up Honey and her kittens and Happiness, and Tim is puttering around in his “stink room” as Alex calls it, and I’m doing what I love most, just enjoying myself in my own lovely room with my books and all my personal possessions. I just can’t decide what to do first, go play my lovely piano or stay here and curl up with a lovely book or take a lovely nap.
I think the nap is going to win.
I met Fawn ______ at the store today and she invited me to come over tonight and go swimming in their pool. Isn’t that lovely? Maybe I can get back in with the straight kids this year and then the dopey dopers wouldn’t dare bother me. Wouldn’t that be perfect? Anyway, Fawn and her sisters all do water ballet and I’m not a very good swimmer but she promised to teach me. I hope I don’t drown or fall on my head in the shallow end of the pool.
I don’t know why I have to be so insecure and frightened. I haven’t even known Fawn very long and yet I’m almost jealous of all her other friends. I think they’re prettier and smarter and that no one really wants me around which is pretty stupid since they keep inviting me over there all the time. I guess I’m just a jerk. I just hope none of them has heard all the rotten stories that went around about me. I really don’t know who Jan and Marcie and all those dopey dopers spoke to, but I hope it wasn’t the whole school. Oh, I hope I’m not going to be hurt again. I wonder if all girls are as timid as I am? If I think a boy might ask me out I’m scared to death he won’t and if he actually does then I’m afraid to go.
Like last night we were all swimming and a carload of boys drove up and Fawn’s father, who’s really nice, asked them to come in and have some punch. So we all clowned around for a while and then turned the hose on the patio and danced on the wet cement. It was fun and I guess
I looked pretty cute because Frank ______ asked me out. Actually he wanted to take me home, but I wanted to stay and help Fawn clean up. But I guess the truth is I just don’t feel myself around boys anymore. Mother says it’s just because I feel frightened and unsure again and I hope she’s right. I do hope she’s right!
Fawn called up the first thing this morning. She wants to have a party next Friday and invite boys. I’m going over this afternoon to help her plan it but I really would rather not get involved. Wally asked her out last night too, and she’s going to the movies with him tonight. I sort of wish she wouldn’t. I don’t know why I worry about her, she’s a few months older than I am, but I just think boys are the root of most problems. At least, they’ve been at the root of most of mine, which is probably a big lie. Anyway, this morning I was reading an article on identity and responsibility, and it said that kids who aren’t allowed to make any decisions for themselves never grow up, and kids who have to make all the decisions before they’re ready never grow either. I don’t think I fall into either category but it’s an interesting idea. See ya.
Guess what? Mrs. _______, my old piano teacher, called and she wants me to be soloist at her outstanding student recital. She even wants to get the small auditorium at the University and do all the publicity and everything with my picture on the program cover. Of course, she knows about my hands so it wouldn’t be until later on in the fall, but isn’t that exciting! I didn’t know I was that good! I really and truly and honestly didn’t!
She wants to meet with my parents some night soon and discuss the whole idea, but frankly I’m still flying. I can’t believe it’s true. I mean I practice every day and sometimes I sit down and play just for fun if there isn’t anything else to do, but that’s mostly because I don’t like the tube, especially the stuff Tim and Alex want to watch, and I can’t read forever. I really didn’t realize I was that good. I wonder if the kids will think it’s a stupid thing to do. I certainly don’t want to screw things up with them, particularly now when we’re starting to develop such a great relationship. I think I’ll just wait and talk the whole thing over with Fawn, but I’ll wait until after her party. I know that’s the first thing on her mind right now.
P.S. I got the loveliest of all letters from Joel and he can’t wait to see me. I didn’t tell him that that’s the way I feel too but I’m sure he knows.
Wouldn’t you know, I got my period! Now I’ll be self-conscious about that too! I wonder if Mother would be upset if I bought Tampax instead of just plain Kotex? She probably would be, so I guess I’d better not take the chance—but it really does mess things up for tomorrow night. Oh, I guess it really doesn’t matter. I can always wear my new plaid pants and my new top, but it really is a drag. Oh, well, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I might as well be cheerful. Right?