I stood there in silence. My only concern was that they were not allowed to urinate.
Morgan said, “Why are you bothering him? He’s probably going to log everything you say.”
Burke was still staring at me. He said, “I have to urinate now.”
“Okay, I’ll get Imad.”
Imad got a urine testing cup out of a cabinet. He put on a pair of latex gloves and instructed me to put on a pair too. He said, “These guys have a million diseases. You don’t want to catch one.” Imad showed the cup to Burke and said, “This is your cup. I am now taking it out of the package.”
Burke watched him take it out of the package.
Imad wrote Burke’s name on it, along with his social security number and the time and date.
Imad held up a red sticker. “This is the red sticker that seals the urine test cup. After the urine test is complete and the red sticker is placed on the cup, you must sign the red sticker. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
Imad called in a guard to watch Morgan since I needed to see how the urine test was conducted and couldn’t stay back to watch Morgan.
When the guard arrived, Burke, Imad, and I walked to the bathroom.
In the bathroom, Imad said to Burke, “Wash your hands.”
Burke washed his hands.
Then Imad directed Burke to go to the corner stall. Imad said, “All urine tests must be given in this stall. As you can see there is a mirror there so you can watch them pee.” Imad handed the cup to Burke. Burke looked at the cup and said, “How much do you want me to fill?”
“Halfway,” Imad said.
Burke turned to the toilet and unzipped his pants.
Imad said to me, “Stand here and look in the mirror and watch him. You must look at his penis. You must see if he has secret urine from another person or animal urine hidden in his pants. You must watch the urine leave his penis. You must watch it.”
I stood over there and looked into the mirror. I said, “I can’t see his penis.”
Imad said, “Move in closer, get his penis in eyeshot. You must be looking at his penis.”
I moved closer. There was his penis.
I stared at his penis. Burke said, “Can you see my penis? I don’t want to do this until you can see my penis.”
“Yes, I can see your penis.”
Burke began to urinate.
The sound of the urine hitting the cup made me a little sick. The urine was a dark yellow.
I didn’t want to watch him pee. It occurred to me that I went to college and learned about Rousseau and the structure of the Chinese government and constitutional law, got good grades and never once had to learn about urine tests. I was not educated to give urine tests. I started to think that my education was pointless. Instead of learning about the geography of Iran or the history of Russia, I should have been learning the science of urine tests. The science of watching urine leaving another man’s penis. I owed $25,000 in student loans so that I could monitor urine tests.
After Burke finished peeing in the cup, he handed the cup to me and smiled. I didn’t want to hold the cup of urine.
I took the urine over to the sink. Imad directed Burke to wash his hands. Burke never spoke to Imad. Burke knew the deal. He knew that the whole time he was there, he was being watched. The urine test wasn’t the real test. Behaving normally during the urine test was what mattered. Burke knew he would pass the urine test. Imad knew it too. Imad asked Burke to sign the red sticker. Burke took a pen and signed it and smiled. He asked politely, “Can I go?”
“Yes,” Imad said.
Imad was a master at talking to the residents. He never gave them information, never allowed them to speak or ask questions. Imad loved his job. He loved directing the residents. He considered himself a leader of men.
Imad and I went to a staff bathroom. He held up the urine test cup and ripped off the red sticker sealing the cup. Imad said, “He is clean.”
“Do we tell them if it isn’t?”
“I will show you the next steps. First we throw it away. We pour the urine out into the toilet and then throw the cup into the biohazard waste disposal bin. Then we sign four forms and log the result on the computer.”
Imad brought me into the office and got out four different books and signed NEG on all of them and signed his name.
Then he went on the computer and logged that Burke completed a urine test and that the result was NEG and that Burke complied peacefully with all demands. Imad said to me, “See, everyone can see the log book on the computer. Everyone here checks on the log book. Somebody will read it and see today’s result was negative. If it was positive, then something would happen, but it wouldn’t be us responsible for it anymore.”
“What would happen?”
“Something,” said Imad.
“Who is in charge of that something?”
“Somebody.”
“Has anyone ever failed a urine test in here?”
“Yes.”
“How many people since you’ve worked here?”
“I have never seen somebody fail one, but I have heard about it.”
I stood there.
Imad was a master at his job. He said, “I need to go back to my office and sign more forms.”
Imad returned to his office.
Burke’s Penis
I was sitting in the command center looking at the log book on the computer. Heidelberg approached me and said, “Mike, please come with me.”
I got up and followed Heidelberg. I was terrified. Having a conversation out of nowhere with Heidelberg was very bad. No one at NEOTAP openly despised Heidelberg. Everyone at NEOTAP knew that everything was being filmed and that everyone was a spy. The residents were the worst spies of all and they were everywhere. A resident would tell on you faster than a fellow employee. The residents hated the guards even if we didn’t have weapons or beat them. The residents considered everyone in authority an asshole.
Heidelberg brought me into the same small room where I read Reality Conversion. Heidelberg was not smiling. Her face was just mean. A mean-looking white face staring at me. I was getting paid $11.30 an hour. Part of my job was putting up with being watched by her. Then her mean face spoke. “We were watching on the video and we saw that you picked your nose.”
I did not know how to respond.
“Did you pick your nose?”
“When?”
“It was on video, we have it recorded. Michael, you must understand, we can see everything you do. We saw you pick your nose. We must assume that you aren’t taking your job seriously. No serious worker of NEOTAP would ever pick their nose.”
“I’m sorry.”
“We don’t think you listen.”
I sat there in silence, not knowing what I should say. I was listening to her.
“I also got word that you didn’t look at Burke’s penis when he took the urine test. Is that true?”
“I looked at his penis.” I knew I couldn’t argue with her. That was absolutely not allowed.
“Imad said you did not look at his penis. He said you were not listening which led to you not looking at Burke’s penis.”
“I looked at his penis.”
“I don’t believe you. Imad has been with NEOTAP for five years. He knows how this job works. He understands NEOTAP, he believes in NEOTAP. We don’t believe that you believe in NEOTAP.”
“I believe in NEOTAP.”
Heidelberg pulled three photos out of a bag.
She put the photos on the desk and said, “Look at these photos.”