Angelina and I became friends after a month of her telling me to go fuck myself. She turned up at my caravan with whisky and said, ‘This is stupid, G. We can be friends, right?’
We met up off and on, but mostly I retreated to my caravan, devouring books – Wilde, Saki, Nesbit, Woolf, Orwell – and writing; I’d kept a diary for years, only sporadically writing fiction, but now I wrote down many of the stories Pigeon had told me. I changed them, elaborating, expanding. And I wrote a semi-fictional account of the adventures of Corporal Pig and fragments about the circus.
Before Angelina and I had hooked up I used to meet mum and dad once a week for dinner or an evening drink, catching up, telling stories, singing, but Glitter Queen had consumed me and we’d only met up sporadically when I was with her. Mum and dad didn’t say a word; they welcomed me back as if nothing had changed.
We sat outside their caravan, next to a small fire, drinking beer. I read them my favourite Saki, Sredni Vashtar, which they loved. And we chatted, catching up. Mum told me she was learning Polish – we’d ran auditions when we were in Newcastle and Ania Przybylski had wowed us with her acrobatic skills. She’d left Poland with her family in 1937, but she’d never felt settled. She fit in with the circus like it had been her whole life. Mum and Ania became close and Ania would teach her Polish songs. Mum loved the language and spent every spare minute she had learning and practicing.
Mum sang us a Polish song and I watched dad watching her, still so very much in love all these years later. I asked them about when they met.
‘It was love at first sight,’ said dad.
Mum laughed and said, ‘Is that right?’
‘Of course that’s right.’
‘The way I remember it you didn’t even notice me – you were going out with Booby Betsy at the time.’
I laughed and watched dad squirm.
‘You know it,’ said mum, nudging him.
‘I fell for you. I just didn’t want to let Betsy down.’
‘Oh, sure.’
‘I’d been going out with Betsy for three weeks,’ he said to me. ‘What kind of man drops a girl so quickly? But I was smitten with your mum.’
Dad came from a family of circus folk – his granddad had started a small family circus which James’ dad took over. It passed to James when his dad died in The Great War. Mum’s dad worked at the London docks, expecting his two sons to follow him.
‘He planned to marry me off as soon as possible,’ said mum. ‘He’d say to people: “One less mouth to feed.” I didn’t hold a grudge – it was difficult for him to provide for us all on his wage. But I knew I’d make my own way. I started dancing at the local theatre and it was there I met your dad. He came back after the show and outlined then and there what the circus could offer me. I snapped it up without a thought – packed my things, said goodbye to my family, who were relieved to see the problem of a daughter solved. I kept in touch as I travelled – sending postcards, sometimes money. And your dad asked me out a week after I joined the circus.’
‘What about Booby Betsy?’ I asked.
‘She threw wine in my face,’ said mum.
‘No!’
‘She did. I got off lightly, though – she dumped camel shit in your dad’s bed.’
‘I like the sound of her,’ I said, and laughed with mum as dad just sat there, smiling and shaking his head. He put his arm around mum and said, ‘It was worth it. I’d suffer a whole caravan of camel shit for you.’
Mum pulled away and hit him across the shoulder. He pulled her back to him and kissed her.
‘C’mon!’ I said as the kiss went on.
They broke apart and dad said, ‘The most amazing woman in the world and she’s all mine.’
Mum, blushing, smiled and looked over at me, ‘And what about you, Goblin? Your life is all drama.’
‘Aah,’ I said, looking down and taking a drink, ‘Angelina and I are over.’
‘You okay?’
I shrugged and said, ‘Yeah. Things are getting back to normal.’
‘If you need to talk, we’re here,’ she said.
I was about to tell her about the clown troupe being awkward around me, but I shook my head and said, ‘Things are fine now.’ I smiled at her, ‘Really. I’m good.’
I finished off my beer and said, ‘How about a song before I turn in?’ And I watched dad watching mum as she sang I’ll Be Seeing You – ‘I’ll find you in the morning sun, and when the night is new, I’ll be looking at the moon, but I’ll be seeing you.’ She swayed, looking into the dying flames of our fire and I watched him, wondering if one day someone would love me the way he loved her.
The clown troupe thawed after I split with Angelina, but I was pissed with the way they’d treated me and Marv got all weird again when I was in another relationship – summer ’61 I fell in love with Tim, one of the freak-boys we picked up on our travels.
‘I thought you’d turned queer,’ said Marv. ‘Adam, Angelina, now Tim. Can’t you decide which side you play for?’
I gawped at him for a moment, unsure what to say. He wouldn’t look me in the eye.
‘I’m not on any side, Marv. Fish Boys, Glitter Queens…What does it matter?’
‘You just better be careful, that’s all I’m saying.’
‘D’ya have a problem with me, Marv?’
‘Nah, G. I’m jus’ jealous. Glitter Queen…’ He whistled. ‘Plenty woulda wanted to be in your shoes. Can’t believe you dumped her for Fish Boy.’
‘I didn’t dump her, Marv. It just ended. And Fish Boy came later.’
‘I heard you dumped her.’
I shrugged and said, ‘It was mutual.’
Marv grunted and didn’t say anything else about it after that.
We’d picked up Tim in a seaside town in the south of England. I was helping out at the ticket booth when he wandered up and said, ‘You looking for any freaks?’
I looked him up and down, this Montgomery Clift dream, and said, ‘Sure, you know any?’
He held up his left hand, fingers splayed to show me the webbing. I whistled. This sure was love at first sight.
‘I’ve worked at a sideshow in this shithole for years. I’m looking to see the world.’
‘You’ll need to speak with James and Mad. I don’t know if they’re hiring right now. Money is tight.’
‘I can earn my way.’
‘I’m sure.’
He stared at me and said, ‘I like your tattoos.’
‘I collect them,’ I said. ‘Every town and city, I get a new one.’
‘You’re beautiful,’ he said.
‘You’re a charmer,’ I said. ‘I’m not the one you should be charming. James and Mad will make the decision whether you can join us or not.’
He painted himself blue and green and called himself Fish Boy, the Wonder of the Deep. He joined me when I went for tattoos, adding to his fish scales – he had scales tattooed on every inch of his body, including his face. He looked beautiful, a stunning merman. It was the only time I didn’t join him; I didn’t want face tattoos because I didn’t like the idea of always being on show. I was sure one day I’d want to hide, to disappear in a crowd. Maisie said that was a luxury that most of the freaks didn’t have.
When I had time I’d go and watch the Freaks and Wonders performances. Ariadne and Adeline were first; Ariadne would play the accordion as Adeline sang a song. They were on a rotating platform so people could look at where they were joined together. The main stage in Freaks and Wonders was for the dwarves, Old Louise and her brass band; she’d mesmerise the audience with her beautiful voice. Lenny the giant would play the tambourine but he was a terrible musician and was only there to emphasise the extremes of stature. As the dwarves performed people would stand in line for Morgana, The Fat Lady fortune teller. She’d wear a skimpy outfit, usually a homemade bikini embellished with sequins, so that people could ogle her curves and folds of fat as she told them their fate.