Her hand still across her mouth, she said, ‘I’m glad you had some people who cared about you.’
‘And Devil.’
‘And Devil. What happened to him?’
I was silent for a moment and said, ‘Mum? Can we talk about something else? Or you can read me a letter if there’s any? Or more Saki?’
‘Of course, I’m sorry,’ she said and picked up her bag. ‘I have a letter from your dad.’
As she rummaged in her bag I said, ‘Maybe I can talk about all that some other time.’
‘Whenever you’re ready,’ she said.
Shortly after that visit, mum moved in with Aleksy and his family. She’d update me on the feud with the hotel owner and tell me about Aleksy’s kids. She helped look after them and taught them acrobatics. She stayed fit, with a daily regime of exercise and practice. She told me she’d rigged up a swing between two trees by a river just outside of town and the children took picnics and they’d watch her fly. Mum seemed happy, so I no longer felt guilty about her staying. I no longer thought of the dog or the old man. I simply enjoyed my time with mum – with no circus distractions I had her all to myself. She was soon bringing bread and biscuits every day, a gift for her ‘córka kryminalistka’, freshly baked by Anastazja, Aleksy’s wife. The policemen made a fuss at first, but when she gave some to them, they let it pass. It wasn’t long before the bureaucrat was turning the other way when we held hands or even hugged.
We settled into the routine, waiting for the day I’d be free and we could go back to the circus. Instead, the day came when mum didn’t return.
I asked about her, but the policemen pretended they didn’t know what I meant. They spoke English when it suited them and when it didn’t they’d say they didn’t understand me, they’d pretend they couldn’t find the words.
I knew some basics – I’d asked to learn ‘bastard’, ‘son of a bitch’ and ‘fuck you’ but mum had just laughed and taught me niceties like ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.
‘Where’s the lady?’ I said. ‘My mother?’
They frowned at me.
‘Pani?’ I tried. ‘Szalona – moja matka. Gdzie?’
They shrugged and shook their heads saying something in Polish I didn’t understand. I needed her to translate, but she was gone. Two days passed and Aleksy and Anastazja came by, but I couldn’t understand them and they couldn’t understand me and the policemen were amused by our failed communication. They gave up trying to speak to me and had a long discussion with two of the policeman, who glanced at me now and again. The conversation became heated and Aleksy shouted at them before leaving, dragging Anastazja with him.
Aleksy and Anastazja stopped by to see me every day. We didn’t speak, but they’d sit with me and Anastazja would sing. They continued to bring me food but I barely ate.
Almost three weeks had passed with no news of mum. I was with Aleksy, sitting side by side in silence when dad walked into the police station and I felt the bars fall away. I thought of when dad first found me and the Lizard King, of the time he held my bloody arm, of our last hug when he left. I waited as the bureaucrat let him into my cell, Aleksy giving him a nod as he left. I waited for my dad to hold me in his arms.
He removed his hat, sweeping his hair from his face. He was pale, his eyes pink and bloodshot.
‘She’s dead,’ he said.
My legs buckled, but before I fell he pushed me and I stumbled back, knocking my pile of books, hitting the wall, crumpling, falling to the floor. As I made to get up, his hand was around my throat, his knee pressing on my chest. Everything was muted; just a buzzing in my ears. I felt the weight of him crushing me, and looked into his eyes. He was crying, his tears falling onto my face. I saw Aleksy and the bureaucrat grabbing at him. Their mouths were moving but I couldn’t hear them. The bureaucrat had his arm around dad’s neck, pulling him off me. I heaved in air and blacked out.
When I woke I didn’t remember what had happened, not at first. And when I did, nothing was worth anything anymore. I spent my days sleeping in my cell. Aleksy and Anastazja came by. They brought me bread, but didn’t stay. I didn’t eat so the policemen took it.
Tim visited, with Ania in tow to translate. He told me mum had been found in the river, tied up in her makeshift swing.
‘They’re insisting it’s an accident. James is enlisting legal help from the UK.’
Tim held me and fed me. We talked. Or he talked and I listened. I liked the sound of his voice. He said that dad had taken the body back to London, the funeral had been attended by hundreds.
Then he said, ‘I know he attacked you, Goblin. He told me.’
‘I don’t remember,’ I said.
‘You do. I know you do.’
I nodded.
‘He blames me,’ I said. ‘And he’s right.’
‘That’s not right at all, G. He’s your dad—’
‘It’s my fault.’
‘It’s not your fault. It’s the bastard that killed Mad. Ania helped me speak to Aleksy and Anastazja. Aleksy said your dad attacked him and the policeman, they had to restrain him. He was lashing out, G. He didn’t mean to hurt you.’
‘She wouldn’t have been here if it wasn’t for me.’
‘G, you can’t think like that. What use is it? Your dad will come round – I know he’s ashamed of what he did. Now listen – you get released tomorrow. You’ll be free.’
I looked at him.
‘I’ll take you back. The circus is going to Venice. We’re doing a show in Piazza San Marco.’
‘I can’t do it,’ I said. ‘I can’t face him.’
‘He won’t be there. James is in England for now.’
Tim laid his hand on my shoulder. He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. He whispered in my ear.
‘We love you, Goblin.’
We sat in the train carriage watching the landscape slide by, disappearing into the past.
‘Those years with her – I want them back. I’m not ready for her absence.’
‘I know, G,’ Tim said, putting his arm around me.
‘I thought she was indestructible, but I killed her.’
‘It wasn’t your fault.’
I breathed on the window, blurring the world outside.
‘You know it wasn’t your fault.’
I nodded to let him know I believed him.
‘You can’t carry that with you, Goblin. It’s a poison.’
‘It doesn’t feel real. That she’s gone. What did she look like?’
‘She was cold and her lips were dry. I put lipstick on her lips and a flower in her hair. I gave her one of the stories you wrote, her favourite about the lizard people. I put it in her hands.’
‘She was indestructible.’
‘I know.’
‘It doesn’t feel real.’
‘Matt, Colin, Angelina, Horatiu and Adam – they all give their love. They’re looking forward to seeing you.’
‘No, I don’t want to see any of them.’
‘We’ll get you settled, then we’ll see.’
We arrived at the train station and went to catch a vaporetto. I knew little about Venice, and at first I didn’t have any interest in it. All I wanted was a place where I could curl up in bed and disappear, but as we chugged our way down the Grand Canal I couldn’t help but feel curious.
‘How does this place exist? Am I dreaming?’
Tim laughed and put his arm round my waist.
‘I knew you would love it.’
‘It’s an impossible city.’
‘I read that to make the impossible possible the ruler of Venice, the Doge, would be taken out into the lagoon where he’d drop a gold ring. He’d marry the sea, protecting Venice from floods.’
‘Of course,’ I said. ‘This city could only be built on myths and magic.’
‘And blood, empire, and the money of tourists.’
I stared down the Grand Canal, looking at the water. For the first time in a long time I thought of David. I knew. I could feel it physically; a knot in my belly.
I remember what he told me: ‘I’ll sail around the world. I’ll meet a girl and we’ll make our home by the sea – a place where the sea is everything, where it changes people.’
I knew there was no other place he would be other than this floating city.
‘You knew what you were doing, bringing me here,’ I said.
I smiled. For the first time in weeks I smiled, and he smiled back and took my hand.
‘I knew you would love Venice,’ he said.
But at that moment, it wasn’t Venice I loved.