'I wanted only a beautiful spot,' he said hoarsely, 'a monumental spot, the most evocative spot in all Athens, one that I could take with me in my memory to Milan, in case… in case…'
He faltered, and I didn't press him further. I clapped my hand on his shoulder and gestured toward the door. He squared himself and with great dignity strolled out of the temple and down the steep streets to his lodgings, where he packed his bags swiftly and in silence.
Since by that time I had practically completed my own studies, and was due back at the Emperor's court to render account of my new training and skills, I offered to accompany him on his journey. For the sake of comfort, we elected to go by sea for the first leg of our trip, and passed many hours of the voyage recounting our experiences to each other, as we were almost precisely the same age, but had lived such contrasting lives to that point. On one occasion I was startled with his line of questioning.
'Tell me about Constantius,' he said.
'What about him?' I asked cautiously. 'His actions as Emperor are common knowledge. Besides, you saw him just last year, before he sent you to Athens.'
Julian shook his head somberly. 'Not true. I was at his court, but only briefly, and not once did he meet with me. I spent my entire time there defending myself against the jealous gossip of his eunuchs, who said I was disobedient and was planning to conspire against him. I suspect he simply tired of my requests for an audience and wished to be rid of me, so he allowed me to leave to study in Athens.'
I was amazed at this. 'So you've never seen your own cousin, the Emperor?'
'Not since I was a boy. When I was small, he seemed like a god to me. Later, I was told what he had done to my family…' He seemed suddenly wary of voicing his thoughts, and glanced over his shoulder cautiously. 'You're his physician, Caesarius. You examine him monthly, and his wife, Eusebia. Surely you know more of his strengths and ailments, both physical and psychological, than any man alive.'
'I would hardly presume to conjecture about his psychology,' I said cautiously, 'nor about the Empress. She does not actually permit a physical examination, but merely asks questions about her bodily functions as she examines herself behind a thick curtain.'
'Very well, limit yourself to appearances, then — what does he look like? His image is all blurred in my mind.'
At this I hesitated, Brother, for to give a diplomatic description of Constantius to one who is a near relative is not an easy task. You never met him yourself, for if you had, you would have understood my difficulty. Perhaps the best way to explain his appearance would be to digress briefly, by recalling the time when both you and I were boys, and accompanied Father and Mother on a pilgrimage to Rome to meet the Holy Pontiff Sylvester, who would confirm our father's investiture as bishop. Do you recall that enormous statue of the Emperor Domitian that had been erected two centuries before, on the street leading up to the Capitol, on the right-hand side as you approach from the Forum? Domitian's monstrous behavior had left the Romans with such a bad taste that after his murder, the Senate ordered his entire body carved up into tiny pieces; yet even this did not exhaust their indignation toward him. They decreed a damnatio memoriae, an order that not even the Emperor's name should remain on any monument, nor should any portrait or statue of him survive. On every inscription everywhere in Rome, and indeed throughout the entire Empire, his name was chiseled out, leaving the remainder of the text intact. Nowhere in the world is there a single likeness of him except that one bronze statue, which survived because of a macabre twist.
The Emperor's wife, Domitia, was a woman of good birth, and highly respected, or at least feared. Some say she had never herself done the least wrong to any man alive, nor consented to any of her husband's wickedness, while others suspect that she had a guiding hand in her husband's murder, in which case she committed the most mortal of sins, though for a higher cause, may the soil rest lightly on her grave. In any event, the Senate esteemed her highly, and after Domitian's death invited her to request anything she liked. She asked for but one thing: that she might take and bury her husband's body, and erect a bronze replica of him. The Senate agreed, and the widow devised a plan. She collected the bits and pieces of her husband's flesh, painstakingly reassembled them into a semblance of the original, and then stitched and strapped and braced the whole grotesque contraption together. This she showed to the sculptors, and asked them to make a bronze statue portraying him exactly as he was at that time.
Hence, Brother, the odd appearance of that statue, visible even beneath the years of grime and corrosion that had accumulated when we viewed it as boys: the misshapen, lopsided face, the eyes aimed in slightly different directions, one arm and one leg apparently longer than their respective peers, which I attributed to the devoted widow's not having had proper anatomical training and perhaps inadvertently fitting several crucial parts in error. Hence too my difficulty in describing to Julian his older cousin's appearance, for Constantius had always given me much the same impression, of body parts reassembled in haste from whatever might be available: the enormous corpulence of his girth; the tiny head delicately positioned atop the shoulders with no apparent neck, like a pea on a pumpkin; the equally fat thighs narrowing down unaccountably below the knee to white, chickenlike shanks and almost dainty feet; the small, piggish eyes that missed nothing, and in fact were constantly darting restlessly this way and that, the mark of an extraordinarily intelligent and inquiring mind; and the soft, sensitive hands that belied the tremendous strength of his upper arms and chest. As a physician, I had never failed to be astonished at this study of contrasts when I performed his monthly physical examinations.
Yet how to describe this to Julian? I resolved to be honest in my description, yet not as brutally so as I just was with you.
'Your cousin is far from being in the prime of his life anymore,' I answered. 'Remember, he's past forty, he's no longer young. He's obese and sweats and grunts like a boar even when merely walking or rising from his seat. He's desperate for an heir, which Eusebia has been unable to produce, though she herself is in the prime of her life, barely older than you and me, and a stunning beauty.'
'Perhaps the Empress is barren?' Julian asked sympathetically, though with curiosity.
'Perhaps — but I think the problem lies with Constantius himself. I tell you this because I trust your confidentiality, and because if you were to order me to, I would have to tell you anyway. The Emperor has one undescended testicle, and the other is swollen to the size of a Numidian orange, a goiter, perhaps, or a cancer, a state of affairs about which he is quite defensive. He openly blames Eusebia for her failure to conceive, and the Empress is increasingly distraught, yet to me it's quite clear that conception is simply not a possibility.'
After a week of uneventful sailing, we arrived at the old Augustan seaport of Fano, the point where the Via Aemilia from Milan meets the coast. We were met by a small though luxurious sedan with six Thracian bearers led by a sullen centurion. The prospect of traveling two hundred miles overland to Milan alone in this claustrophobic contraption, possibly to his death, was too much for Julian to stomach. He dismissed the centurion, to the latter's chagrin, and elected instead to ride, with me as his comrade. He purchased horses from a dealer the very day of our arrival off the boat, and we set out at once. The centurion insisted on following behind us with the sedan-bearers, true to his orders from Constantius to convey Julian safely to the city, so we at least took advantage of the situation by stowing all our own baggage in the passenger compartment, which allowed us to travel quite unencumbered and make numerous side trips through the Apennines and across the Po valley, finally arriving in Milan, in September, several weeks after he had actually been expected.