I looked about. Big Frank was reading his catalogue. Rink was piously bowed. I'm normally quite a good speaker, even with no notice, but it was a bit hard this time. I think I had a cold coming. I tried to start a couple of times but it didn't work. Dandy was almost in arm's reach. The coffin was covered beneath its heaps of flowers by a delicious purple embroidered pall, the precious and delicate Opus Anglicanum gold under-couching glittering against the rich colour. It's murder trying to copy. You just try. I recognized it as the one I'd tried to buy off Helen a year before. She'd sent me off with a flea in my ear: 'It's for millionaires and the crowned heads of Europe only, Lovejoy.' Dandy was neither.
I found myself just looking at the floor in silence. Some woman coughed to fill in, helping out.
'Dandy,' I managed at last. 'Whatever you find there, be a pal and save some for the rest of us.' I paused, thinking of me and Dandy getting ourselves chucked out of Woody's for laughing. It took another minute to get going. Bloody churches are full of draughts. 'It's not much help now, Dandy,' I said, 'but I'll do for the bastard that killed you whoever he was, so help me.' There was a lot of sudden shuffling. I heard Reverend Woking rise suddenly and then sit, aghast. 'Goodnight, Dandy,' I said. We all fidgeted a bit, coughed ourselves back into action.
That was it. It doesn't seem very much for a whole person.
I'd tell you the rest of the service but there's not much point. Afterwards we all went round saying we were sorry. Daft, really. It does no good. It's just what people do, I suppose.
Outside the Reverend Woking was worried sick. He had the harrowed look of a vicar burdened by a debt in search of a debtor.
'Er, Lovejoy - ' he said.
'Don't worry. I'll pay for the funeral and the service,' I said.
'Oh, fine, fine!' He went back to beaming goodbyes. Isn't religion a wonderful thing?
The rest were already stampeding back to town. Nichole tried to speak to me but her eyes filled up and she turned aside, poor kid. Rink gave me a blank specky stare as they drove past. Yes, I thought, I mean you, you bastard.
Janie stayed with me while they buried Dandy Jack. I told the vicar to get a posh stone for the grave. I'd pay, I said again. Not that it mattered. I'd no money for that either.
'Lovejoy,' Reverend Woking intoned in farewell. 'Remember that God works in mysterious ways.'
I nodded. I accept all that. It's just that I wish the Almighty had a better record in social reform.
I walked home.
Janie told me there was a man watching the cottage. I'd seen him on the wooden seat outside the chapel when I went to the village shop.
'He comes sometimes and sits on the ruined gate by the copse,' she reported.
'Any special time?'
'Morning and evening.'
I went up the lane and accosted him late on the third day. He was rather apologetic about it all, a pleasant bloke, about twenty-five.
'I hope you don't mind,' he said, embarrassed.
'Are you from Janie's husband?' I tried to snarl like I do at Algernon but couldn't.
'No. I've tried to keep - ' he thought a moment, then brought out with pride - 'a low profile.' He smiled anxiously.
'Are you supposed to be a… private eye?' We were both using words nicked from those corny detective series on telly.
'I am one,' he said defiantly, actually believing it.
I looked at him with interest. He was the first I'd ever seen.
'We never get them hereabouts.' We were as embarrassed as each other. 'Who employs you?'
'I can't tell.' He was going to die at the stake for his profession. What a pathetic mess.
'Rink?' I said, and he quickly looked away. 'Thank you. That's what I want to know.
Don't catch cold.'
So it was Rink. That gave me time. I must have read both diaries a hundred times that week but I'd learned nothing. Rink must be in the same boat as I was. Reading them over and over would have been as dull as ditchwater if it hadn't been for Dandy Jack and that other business in my garden.
'He's just an ordinary bloke,' I reported to Janie. 'I thought they were all hard as nails, as in Chandler.'
'How horrid. What will he do?'
'Oh, wait till I set off for the Isle of Man and phone Rink.' I shrugged. 'Then they'll follow me, I suppose.'
'Are you going after all?' she asked.
I gave her my very best and purest stare.
'Of course I'm not,' I said. 'I only meant if.'
CHAPTER XIII
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THE THIRD DAY I burned the flight. I know how the Vikings felt. An end, a beginning. I used paraffin to get it going and stood back. My cherry tree got a branch singed, but then living's just one risk after another, isn't it? A neighbour came running down the lane to see if the sky was falling. He breeds those long flat dogs which bark on middle F. I reassured him. He left after giving my wrapped hands a prolonged stare.
I waited for Janie. She arrived about teatime.
'Can I… have some money, Janie?' I watched her turn from hanging her coat up. I've only three pegs behind the hall door. I'd sold the mahogany stand that morning through Tinker Dill. That's Janie's best character point - never asks where things have suddenly gone. She may not care for my behaviour very much, but she accepts that it goes on. I think she tolerates me like a sort of personal bad weather, changeable and just having to be endured.
'Yes, love.'
I’ll pay it back. Soon.'
'How much?' She fumbled in her handbag. 'Will a cheque do?'
'Yes, please. Just enough for a couple of weeks.' I had to say sorry, after refusing all this time, but she said men were stupid sometimes and what were bits of paper. I'd have agreed if she meant compared with antiques.
'Keep it,' she said.
'No, no,' I said. 'A thousand times, no.' You have to be patient. She called me silly and got all exasperated. I think women have very simple minds.
I looked at the cheque. Funny that a small strip of marked paper can mean so many antiques. When you think.
'It's beautiful.' That must have been me speaking. I took it reverently off the table.
'What are you laughing for?'
'Oh, shut up, Lovejoy.' She turned away. It didn't sound like laughing.
'I love you,' I said to her.
She laughed and faced me, wobbling. Her cheeks were a bit wet.
'Lovejoy, you're preposterous!'
'Eh?'
'You get everything wrong,' she said, subsiding somewhat and smiling out of character.
'It's the other way round. 7 love you.'
'That's what I said. 'I was puzzled. Just when things seemed on the mend between us.
Women surprise me sometimes.
'Come here to me,' she said, smiling properly now.
'Just a minute.' I found a pen and paper to make a list, but Janie took the paper away.
My hands were too clumsy to argue.
'Shut up, Lovejoy,' she said, 'for heaven's sake.' So I did.
An hour later I woke from the post-loving doze. My mind instantly thought of what I should do.
Friend Rink had money. He could afford a watcher. All he had to do was wait. And if I ever made a dash for the Isle of Man he could either fly ahead or send his watcher to keep track. But nobody can move without money, and my income from Squaddie barely kept me alive. Janie's money was only for starters. I'd need more. I didn't know how long the search would take. Suddenly Janie was watching me, worried. She cheered up when I said I needed her help.