Fortunately, though, there was a road map through the highways of Aaron’s brain: personality tests, IQ tests, the Minnesota Multiphasic, a slew of others, all administered to him during the candidate-screening process for this mission, and all on file. “No,” said my backup. “According to question fourteen of the Azmi Personality Inventory, the real Aaron Rossman would have said green.”
“Green.” I tried a different approach to deciphering Aaron’s thoughts. “Reconfiguring. Go.”
“Which of the following most closely describes your belief in a supreme being? (1) God does not exist now, nor has God ever existed. The entire universe is a product of random chance.
“(2) God caused the universe to begin, but no God exists any longer.
“(3) God caused the universe to begin, but he or she no longer takes an active role.
“(4) God created the universe and, in a general way, still guides its development and controls its activities.
“(5) God created the universe, and he or she is still responsible for the individual destinies of human beings.”
“Calculating. It is either two or three.” A long pause. “It’s (3). God started the universe, but no longer guides it.”
“The real Aaron Rossman would have concurred. You may be on the right track. If a tree fell in a forest and no one was around to hear it fall, would it make a sound?”
“Yes.”
“Correct, as far as Aaron would be concerned. Next: which crime is most heinous: murder, child abuse, spouse abuse, rape, an act of terrorism.”
“Murder.”
“No. Aaron would have said child abuse.”
“Child abuse? Interesting choice, especially for a male. Reconfiguring. Go.”
“Which of these jokes is funniest? (1) Question: What do you call a mushroom that tells jokes? Answer: A fungi to be with.
“(2) Question: Why do crabs have circles under their eyes? Answer: From sleeping in snatches.
“(3) Question: What do you call a clumsy German? Answer: Oaf Wiedersehen.”
“Calculating. It’s number two. But I don’t get it.”
“Neither do I. However, you are correct about which Aaron would have chosen. Next: If you loaned somebody a small amount of money and he or she failed to repay it of his or her own volition the next time you met, would you say anything to try to induce repayment?”
“Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes—”
“It has to be one or the other.”
“It is difficult. The net seems willing to resolve that question either way. What did Rossman choose?”
“He said yes.”
“Yes. Reconfiguring. Go.”
“Which of the following is a singer for the pop group Hydra North: (1) Tomolis, an orangutan; (2) Malcolm ‘The Wanker’ Knight; (3) Lester B. Pearson; (4) Bobo, a dolphin.”
“I know that anyway. It’s Tomolis—he does the high bits.”
“Yes, but would Aaron Rossman be aware of that? Disengage your own memory banks and try again.”
“Low-confidence answer: Malcolm ‘The Wanker’ Knight.”
“Factually wrong. The Right Honorable Malcolm Knight is Chancellor of the Exchequer for the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. However, the response is the one that Aaron Rossman made when he took the test.”
“Excellent. Go.”
“When you arrive at a party where you don’t know anyone personally, do you:
“(1) Try to remain inconspicuous?
“(2) Introduce yourself to someone and try to strike up a conversation?
“(3) Hope that someone will introduce himself or herself to you?”
“Calculating. Aaron isn’t shy, but he’s not very sociable either. He would choose three.”
“Correct. Have you ever used a banned mental stimulant?”
“No.”
“Both factually and conceptually incorrect. Mr. Rossman’s medical profile shows clear signs of substance abuse as a teenager. He answered that question honestly.”
“Reconfiguring. Go.”
“If you were placed in a situation in which you could only save the life of one of the following individuals, whom would you choose: (1) your parent of the same sex; (2) your parent of the opposite sex; (3) your sibling of the same sex; (4) your sibling of the opposite sex; (5) your child of the same sex; (6) your child of the opposite sex; (7) your spouse; (8) your closest nonspouse friend of the same sex; or (9) your closest nonspouse friend of the opposite sex?”
I calculated. “Difficult. Not the parents. Not the siblings. Either child or closest nonspouse friend. Closest nonspouse friend. Of the opposite sex. No—wait. Of the same sex. Confidence rating increasing. Yes: Aaron would have saved the closest nonspouse friend of the same sex.”
“So much for Richard Dawkins,” observed my backup. “Your conclusion is correct. That is what Aaron would have done. Next: True or false: ‘I occasionally contemplate suicide.’ ”
“True.”
“Correct: ‘It is prudent to trust others.’ ”
“False.”
“Correct. ‘I can be happy without a lot of money.’ ”
“Hmm. Vacillation. False.”
“No, Aaron said true.”
“He’s deluding himself.”
“That’s irrelevant.”
“Reconfiguring. Go.”
“Is faster-than-light travel possible?”
“No.”
“Correct. Which type of sex do you prefer: masturbatory, coitus, oral, anal—and do you prefer same-sex or opposite-sex partners?”
“Oral, opposite-sex partners exclusively.”
“Correct. Who is more powerful, Superman or Spider-Man?”
“Superman. Obviously.”
“Correct. Which of the following statements are offensive? Blacks have rhythm. The Scottish are friendly. Asians have mathematical ability. Women are more sensitive than men. All of the above. None of the above.”
“All of the above.”
“No. He said exactly the opposite—none of the above.”
“Why?”
“We don’t have that information. Perhaps because none of the statements are derogatory or cast negatively.”
“Hmm. Reconfiguring. Go.”
“On a scale of one to five, five being equivalent to total agreement, respond to the following statements. ‘I tend to have a more efficient perception of reality than other people, and I am comfortable in the world.’ ”
“No question. Aaron would agree completely. Five.”
“He has more self-doubt than you yet assign to him. He said four.”
“Really? Very well. Reconfiguring. Go.”
“ ‘I tend to have a few close friends, rather than a large number of acquaintances.’ ”
“Disagree. One.”
“He is not a creature of extremes. He said two.”
“Reconfiguring. Go.”
“ ‘I have a clear and distinct sense of what is right and wrong for me.’ ”
“Five.”
“Correct. Spell the word ‘Ukelele.’ ”
“Disengaging linguistic bank. Ukelele: E-U-K-A-L-A-Y-L-E.”
“Correct. Do you prefer dark chocolate, light chocolate, or white chocolate?”
“White chocolate.”
“Correct. Is envy a sin?”
“No.”
“Correct. Which would you rather do: solve ten quadratic equations or write a one-page essay on one of Shakespeare’s plays?”
“The former.”
“Correct!” crowed my backup. “By George, I think he’s got it!”
“Interrogative?”
“We should run the test once more, but the diagnostic software indicates that you have successfully unlocked Aaron Rossman’s neural net.”
“Excellent,” I said.
“Do you need me for anything further before I reintegrate with you?”