She’s visibly shocked, but only for a moment. She recovers quickly and frowns. “How long have you had those thoughts?”
I think about it. I remember back in the day, before everything went to shit. When it was just Josh and me, blasting out classic rock songs as we ran from the loss of my family. In the early days after losing them, I thought about eating a bullet every second of every day. Quite seriously. It was Josh who kept me going, until I began choosing to keep going myself. That feels like a lifetime ago.
I shrug. “Not long. I was just sitting in my car before, lost in my thoughts, and my mind just kinda… drifted toward the idea. It made sense at first. I even put a gun right here…” I point to the flesh underneath my chin. “…but when I actually — I dunno—entered that moment, I just felt detached. It was almost as if I knew exactly what was happening, and simply talked myself out of it. I see that as the coward’s way out, and that’s not who I am. I think maybe I needed to test myself — to put myself in that position to see how it would make me feel.”
“And how did you feel?”
“Honestly? Like I should live, if only to suffer through life for the choices I’ve made that have hurt other people. The memories of the people I couldn’t save deserve more. They should be able to rest knowing I’m being torn up inside, over and over again, for the pain they felt because of me.”
“Okay… ignoring for a moment the fact you’ve just admitted being in possession of a firearm, the fact you put yourself in that position and chose to live is a good thing, whatever your reasoning. That’s a big step forward. I don’t believe you’re a risk to yourself or others. I think you needed to test yourself, like you say, to see how far you could allow yourself to go, and I think you satisfied that curiosity. I think the next step for you is learning how to live.”
She’s looking at me expectantly, but I’m not sure what I should say. I mean, she’s right. Obviously she’s right. But what can I say? I can’t exactly tell her the situation I’m in…
Or can I?
No, I can’t. Don’t be stupid, Adrian.
That’s not the kind of shit you can just—
A red dot has just appeared on Kaitlyn’s chest. I feel my eyes grow wide as I process the million different thoughts currently bombarding my mind. I know exactly what it is. Someone’s aiming a sniper rifle at her. What I don’t know is why.
The large window on my left looks out at the neighboring office buildings. Whoever’s holding the rifle has to be in one of them. The dot is steady, which means either the rifle is mounted, or the shooter has a very strong arm. I glance sideways out the window. There are three buildings with line of sight, but only two of them are as tall as, or taller than, the one we’re in.
Fuck!
I don’t know who it is, why they’re doing it, or even how they know where I am, but right now, all the questions can wait. I need to keep Kaitlyn safe. I need to—
“Brad, is everything okay? You look a little… alarmed.”
I nod slowly. “Yeah… listen, this might sound a little weird, but do you mind if we sit somewhere else?” I point to the large space next to me, away from the window. “If I move my chair there, will you sit where I am now?”
Kaitlyn frowns. “May I ask why?”
The dot hasn’t moved a fraction since it appeared.
Shit, shit, shit!
I need to remain calm, but I need to hurry up.
I shrug. “I’d just feel more comfortable facing the window, that’s all.”
She seems to think about it, but after a moment, she stands. “Of course, if that’s what you would prefer.”
I get to my feet and dash over to pick up her chair, making sure I’m standing between her and the window. “Allow me.”
I’m not worried about getting shot. If whoever it is with the rifle wanted me dead, they would aim at me. The fact they’re aiming at Kaitlyn tells me they know who I am, and they want to send me a message by attacking someone I’m close to, so to speak.
She smiles politely. “Thank you.”
I reposition the furniture and sit facing the window. I scan the buildings opposite for any sign of movement, but can’t see anything. The dot has disappeared.
Doesn’t mean the threat has, though.
Who could possibly know I’m here?
Kaitlyn clears her throat. “Brad, are you sure you’re alright? You seem very distracted all of a sudden…”
“Sorry, I just—”
I snap my head left and stare at the door.
What was that?
I frown. There was a loud noise somewhere below us. It sounded as if it came from outside, on the street. I look across at her. She clearly heard it too, but the look on her face is one of confusion more than concern, thankfully. It wasn’t on our floor — it was too distant — but we’re three floors up, so whatever it was had to be big for us to hear it at all.
An explosion?
Perhaps, but I think we would’ve felt some kind of physical repercussion from the blast. Whatever that was, it wasn’t powerful enough to shake the building itself. So it wasn’t a bomb…
A breaching charge?
Hmmm… that’s a little more likely. Which would be very bad. Most normal people wouldn’t use something so specialized to attack a building, which means whoever’s coming in is trained, and has access to that kind of equipment.
Kaitlyn stands. “Do you mind waiting here a moment? I’m just going to see what that—”
I get to my feet and grab her wrist as firmly and as gently as I can. “Ah… actually, I think you’re maybe better off staying here. Let me check it out, okay?”
She pulls her arm free of my grip and furrows her brow. “Brad, I appreciate the sentiment, but while you’re here, you’re in my care, and for insurance purposes, unless there’s a fire, I can’t let you leave the office if there’s something wrong.”
She moves for the door, but I step in front of her. “Okay, Kaitlyn, you have to stay here. This isn’t my protective older brother thing kicking in, alright? You have to trust me. My spider sense is off the scale right now, and I think we’re about to be in some serious trouble. You need to let me handle this.”
“Brad, what’s going on? What aren’t you telling me?”
I go to speak, but hesitate. What can I say? I can’t exactly—
“And I read people for a living, so don’t even think about lying to me. I know sometimes, for whatever reason, you tend to be a little… vague about certain subjects. If you’ve learned anything at all from our sessions, I hope you know you can trust me enough to be honest with me, tell me what’s really going on. You swapped the seats around moments before what sounded like a small bomb went off outside the building. Trust that you can open up to me, Brad.”
I sigh. “Adrian.”
“What?”
“My name isn’t Brad, it’s Adrian.”
“Okay… so, you felt the need to conceal your true identity during our sessions. I can maybe see why—”
I shake my head. “No, Doc… Don’t try to analyze it. Right now, I don’t have the time to explain why you’ve been missing the mark with so many assumptions you’ve made about me. I just need you to trust me… I’m pretty sure we’re about to find ourselves knee-deep in shit, and if we’re gonna get out of this in one piece, you need to listen to what I’m about to say.”
She holds my gaze, and I can see in her eyes that she’s both afraid and professionally curious at the same time. And maybe a little pissed off, which I can understand.
She nods. “Okay, Adrian. Tell me what’s going on.”
I glance over my shoulder at the door, assuring myself it’s still closed. “Have you caught the news today?”